FilmChaw

TIFF Review - Melancholia

2012-01-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

The world ends.

Now that's out of the way, we can move forward with the movie. Don't worry, the world ends at the beginning, in one of the most gorgeous opening sequences ever committed to film. Lars von Trier's latest is fantastic film-
making.

Much has been made of this being his exploration of his own depression, and this movie is sure to help people understand what that might feel like.

Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) are on their way to their wedding at Justine's sister's (Claire - Charlotte Gainsbourg) manor, which is due to the obviously extravagant wealth of Claire's husband John (Kiefer Sutherland), playing an incredibly charming asshole. As the night progresses, it becomes obvious that there is a fair bit of darkness underneath the virginal white surface of the event. Things get progressively worse until everyone goes home.

Months later, Justine returns to the house, catatonic with crippling depression. Terrified by a premonition she doesn't verbalize. Her family tries to help her through this bout, while fighting among themselves. While this is the focus, it's hardly the major plot point. A planet dubbed Melancholia has appeared in our solar system and is heading towards Earth. Not to worry though, as scientists have reassured the population that while it will come close, it will miss our planet while providing the most beautiful sight the world has ever seen. John, an amateur astronomer reassures his wife of this regularly.

As Claire's concerns about the oncoming planet increase, Justine comes out of her depression and starts connecting with her family again. Then things get darker.

No description of the plot can do justice to this film. I generally dislike Dunst's work, but she her accolades for this one are well-deserved. The acting, the cinematography, and the underlying sense of dread and discomfort (things von Trier excels at) all come together to create a unique cinematic experience. I recommend seeing this one in theatres, but if you have to see it at home, put it on a big screen and turn up the bass.

TIFF Review - Juan of the Dead

2012-01-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

There are two types of people in this world - those for whom the title Juan of the Dead is enough to see this movie, those for whom it isn't, and those who can't count. Keeping that in mind, this is another fun zombie movie.

The name immediately invokes thoughts of it being nothing more than a Cuban Shaun of the Dead rip-off/homage. But it is far from that. While there are some obvious similarities, Juan actually takes things in some interesting directions.

The zombies are portrayed by the Cuban media as dissidents, and anarcho-capitalists under the influence of the United States. As the situation gets progressively worse, the state-controlled media gets cheerier and more patriotic despite the fact that anyone can look out their window and see that things are going to hell.Yet still, the people rally and cheer to their obvious detriment. Meanwhile, our heroes are too jaded and lazy to bother getting excited.

That is, until Juan (Alexis Diaz de Villegas, who could be John Turturro's cuban brother) realizes the money-making potential in the situation. People are at home with loved ones turning into the undead. Juan and his companions all have some form of military training (a couple wars, and the constant threat of US invasion keep them primed), and have managed to kill their share of these dissidents already, so why not sell their services to those who need their loved ones taken care of?

What follows is part romp, part action movie, and what I can only assume is a large part social commentary. There's comedic and creative zombie kills, playing with language barriers when an English-speaking priest comes into play, and a pretty realistic (for lack of a better word) impression of how a bunch of talented, yet lazy miscreants would react to a zombie invasion in an isolated location.

But underlying it all is Juan's love of his daughter, his friends, and ultimately, his country. This is a Cuban movie that both mocks the regime and professes its patriotism to home. Drop in some nods to better-known zombie fare, and you've got a more than worthwhile experience for the fans.

All these movies are terrible

2012-01-04T05:48:00.001-08:00

I've always wanted a month where I could definitively describe all the movies I saw as one thing or the other. However, I usually watch too many for that to be possible. Not so for this month! Kudos to all the following sucktacular flicks:

One Day

This was the last movie that I saw in 2011. It stars Anne Hathaway doing an awful and inconsistent British accent and some British actor I've never seen before. He is NOT attractive. Here's why that's important: Hathaway is supposedly in love with him for 20 years despite the fact that he's a self centered, crude, womanizing alcoholic. OH AND HE DOESN'T LOVE HER BACK. O_o This movie will make you stabby.

Margin Call

This movie is supposedly about the financial crisis -- but it has more of a "play on film" feel where there is a lot of exposition and very little visualization. No, I do not know what either of those words mean. I rented it because Kevin Spacey is in it. I forgot that he sucks now. And this movie sucks. It's a lot of white dudes in suits incredulously staring at computer screens going "are these figures, right?! Get Jack in here!" And then Jack comes in and he's all "Are these figures, right!? Where's Alan?!" And so on. This movie will make you shooty.

Midnight in Paris

A movie starring Owen Wilson, directed by Woody Allen AND SET IN FRANCE??! I brought this debacle on myself. I see that now. It's a "comedy" where the central couple clearly hates each other and so seek companionship in other people they actually like, and we're supposed to think that's funny. There's also some kind of time traveling involved as Wilson's character gets transported back to Paris in the 20s every day at midnight. Or he has a tumor. I'm not quite sure. I liked Kathy Bates' character, but on the whole this movie will make you hang from a ropey.

The Change-Up
This is the first nearly unwatchable Ryan Reynolds movie I've ever seen. I...no words. It's some kind of take on the "Freaky Friday" genre where family man Jason Bateman switches bodies with free spirit bachelor Reynolds and "hijinks"? ensue. Awful just awful horrible terrible. This movie will make you jump off a bridgey.

Net Worth
I put this on my queue thinking it was the aforementioned "Margin Call." So, instead of that bad 2010 movie, I got this bad 1980s movie. Oy. It's about the efforts of Ted Lindsay to unionize the NHL in the 1950s and how Gordie Howe stabs him in the back and pulls out the Detriot Red Wings support. I suppose it's interesting if you know nothing about hockey or hockey history and want to shock and amaze your friends by kinda knowing that Conn Smythe isn't just a trophy. However, it's pretty poorly acted, shot and written. This movie will make you sleepy.

In a Better World
Some kind of foreign film, but I could never figure out what country it's set in exactly. It's about two pre teen boys who are outcasts and one decides to blow up a truck and the other one goes along with the plan, but then when he sees a woman walking near the truck with her daughter, he runs in front of them and is himself blown up. As uninteresting as that summary is, I have made this movie sound 400% more interesting than it actually is. It is also inexplicably 180 minutes long. O_o This movie will make you drug overdosey.

Hunger
I thought this was the movie where Batman lost so much weight he was down to double digits. I was wrong. Instead it's a cheap Saw knock off that took me like five attempts to finish even though it was only 89 minutes long. Blech. So some guy takes 8 people hostage for 30 days and records what they devolve into deprived of food and external society. Yes, people get eaten... yet, this movie is still totally boring. This movie will make you wrist slitty.

December Movie Reviews

2011-12-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

Bridesmaids

O_O THIS piece of hackneyed garbage represents the dawning of female comedy? SERIOUSLY? I laughed like TWICE! Once when Maya Rudolph craps in the street in a wedding gown and then when the fat lady steals the dogs. THAT'S IT! The rest was your typical "oh, I want to be married so bad, oh, hey, look the cop who stopped me is in love with me, but I can't see it" drivel! Traffic cops are the WORST! They NEVER love anybody, they just give you tickets and make you sit in the squad car for thirteen hours! Um... that's what I've heard anyway... This movie is WRETCHED!

Animal Kingdom
This movie is super weird. It's about an Irish (I think) family of gangsters and drug addicts. When the drug addict mom dies and her kid goes to live with his gangster uncles, it gets even weirder. So, the kid tries to be a gangster, but they just want him to be a patsy fall guy and then he tries to get out, but things go horribly wrong... but then he goes back to live with them... I dunno. Weird.

The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
I liked this movie. I mean, Morgan Spurlock (best known for trying to ruin my life with his opus on the harms of fast food: Supersize Me), is a bit too proud of himself for his pretty obvious "buying in" gimmick, but the movie works. It's an inside look into the world of product placement by getting the companies themselves to place their products in the movie. I'll tell you whut, I still have a hankering for some POM wonderful pomegranate juice!

30 Days of Night: Dark Days
This is a sequel to the pretty awesome movie 30 days Night about an Alaskan town facing a month of no sunlight when they get attacked by vampires. This movie is the opposite of awesome. AND THEY KILL THE BLACK GUY FIRST! THE HELL?? What year is this?! BOOSHIT! And no, I didn't just "ruin" it for you, it was ruined WAY WAY WAY before that. Like somewhere around the semi-colon in the title.

The Tree of Life
I can't believe I've wasted my best O_O face and "oh god this movie is horrible" lines and I didn't even get to the Tree of Life yet! *throws self into oncoming traffic* Apparently, there were movie theaters that put up signs saying "no refunds will be given for The Tree of Life." That pretty much sums up this "movie." Quote marks are because this is more of a clip show of boring stuff that happens in nature and children chasing DDT trucks. Yarf.

Fast Five
I liked this movie! I think the main characters wore too many clothes, I mean, why is Vin Diesel even wearing a shirt in Brasil? WHY? And THE ROCK is in it and honestly, does he really need pants to play a badass law enforcement agent? NO! And um... I think there are cars... and stuff is furious...er...LESS PANTS!

Jumping the Broom
This isn't the suckiest TD Jakes movie I've ever seen and it's better than most of Tyler Perry's crap, so... win? The tale of a new money black guy marrying an old money black girl still played into old stereotypes that rich black people "act white" and working class black people are "ghetto." Meh. Again, not the worst. Though, unless you are racist and try to see movies with black actors, there's no reason to watch this.

November movie reviews

2011-11-02T02:55:00.000-07:00

The Dancer Upstairs
This movie is one of those arty political thrillers that, honestly, are pretty much hit or miss. All the conversations are veiled and twisty, there are many shots of furtive glances and playful school children right before a bomb goes off. Meh. This one is a miss. It's very long and none of the characters are particularly interesting. The fact that the title is the title, you right away know that the dancer upstairs is more than we think her to be, but the movie drags the "suspense" on forever.

Scenes from a Marriage
This movie is four hours long, is in Swedish and is 40 years old. Clearly, Netflix hates me. It was okay, I guess. But I can't recommend anyone watch this unless they are related to one of the actors in it or something.
It's just not worth the time and energy to basically read a movie for four hours.

Who Killed the Electric Car?
This is a documentary that is mostly well done. I did burst out laughing at the soccer moms crying and getting arrested because they wanted to save their electric cars. Good lord, if ever the hashtag #whitepeople was appropriate... This film tells the story of what happened when California passed an ordinance requiring zero emissions cars. And how Motor City made a compliant electric car, while at the same time unleashing their lawyers to fight the law. Lawyers won.

Sucker Punch
I thought this movie was going to be good. I was wrong. Dude. So so so wrong. I can't even give y'all a synopsis. There are scantily clad young girls doing erotic dances, though... if that's your thing.

The Trip
This movie has a "Dinner with Andre" feel. Two guys who have been friends for a while go on a roadtrip after the one dude's girlfriend breaks up with him and drops out of the trip. There is a resentment between them which simmers just below the surface as they banter and sing ABBA songs along the way. It's a good watch.

The Rocket
So... I think I meant to rent Bottle Rocket... not this biography of some Canadian hockey player. It's in French. OH, my favorite part though is when the hockey player guy writes a scathing editorial about the discrimination against French Canadians. I was all "wait, I thought all Canadians were French!" #noraces

Mystery, Alaska
This movie features some version of the New York Rangers. I was very excited about that...and then I wasn't. It's a flick about a hard scrabble bunch of hockey players from Alaska who get the chance to take on the big boys from the NHL. I think I was supposed to be rooting for them. I wasn't. *whistles*

Hanna
I think the fact that I see this movie as a primer on child rearing, might be a reason I am childless. It's a great ride. You follow Hanna from her days living in the wild, killing deer, to her fight for her life against a covert government agency tracking her and her father. There is blood. Oh yes, there is blood.

Scream 4
The first 12 minutes of this movie is awesomesauce. However many minutes follow that, are a god awful waste of time, space and energy.

The Beaver
Um. Jodi Foster made a movie called The Beaver. *snickers* Actually, I think I liked this movie about a man at the end of his rope, who clings to a hand puppet as his last attempt to not kill himself. But I don't really remember much about it... the kids are annoying. Jodi Foster's character is surprisingly one dimensional given that she directed it...on second thought, maybe I didn't like this movie at all.

Everything Must Go
I liked Will Ferrell in this movie about an alcoholic who is fired from his job and kicked out of his house on the same day. I didn't even hate his little sidekick black kid. It's cute without a tacked on Hollywood ending.

Moammar Gadhafi, Moustapha Akkad, and the Halloween Franchise

2011-10-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today’s news regarding the killing of the Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi reminded me of a kind of unusual and somewhat personal story having to do with movies and my interest in them. Actually the story has to do with Gadhafi’s interest in movies, too.

In 1982, I went to see the movie Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Too young to go to the R-rated feature on my own, I got the 17-year-old girl who lived next door to take me.

I’m pretty sure we both knew going in that this one didn’t continue the whole Michael Myers boogeyman-in-a-mask storyline. I remember liking the movie all right, the new story about the crazed toymaker and the killer Halloween masks being plenty gripping to my adolescent self. But by the time the fourth Halloween came out six years later, I was in college and no longer that interested in seeing how they’d managed to revive Myers and the series, so I didn’t bother.

Fast-forward a couple of decades. Along the way I’d pick up graduate degrees in English and write a dissertation on 17th- and 18th-century British literature that focused largely on the category of sequels. Looking at novels, plays, and poems, I built an argument that this was an era during which the whole idea of pumping out a sequel to your commercially-successful cultural product began to emerge.

I also argued that a lot of writers used these sequels to offer their own commentaries on their earlier works. For example, Samuel Richardson wrote a very popular novel -- a “blockbuster,” really -- called Pamela in 1740. The book was huge hit, and also a bit controversial for some lewd scenes involving the teenaged maid and her older master “Mr. B” who lusts after her. Copyright laws not being what they are today, lots of other writers quickly jumped in and published spurious sequels to cash in on the original’s success. And some of those continuations were even racier than the original! But Richardson had intended to write a morally instructive work -- a warning of sorts to young people. So he wrote his own very preachy (and -- spoiler! -- boring as hell) sequel in which he has Pamela delivering all sorts of life lessons to readers.

While working on the dissertation I read a lot about film sequels as part of my research. Once I finished that, I ended up writing some academic articles all of which happened to focus on horror films. One of those articles compared Pamela to The Blair Witch Project, drawing connections between both “blockbusters” and the way they captured huge audiences. Another was about the 1987 film The Stepfather (I mentioned that one here before).

I also ended up writing and publishing an article about Halloween III. It appeared in the Journal of Popular Film and Television in 2004. It was the fall issue, and so since Halloween was coming up they actually featured my article on the cover.

The gist of my article was to respond to what some theory-minded writers had been saying about horror sequels and postmodernism. Some of those writers wanted to cram these sequels into larger arguments about the postmodern breaking down of categories and ideas of “truth” and whatnot. But I felt like most of those movies were really mostly about making lots and lots of cash. That was one point I tried to make, anyway.

Halloween III presented kind of a problem, though, insofar as it seemed to go against the idea that horror sequels were mostly just blatant money grabs. And in fact, the more I studied the movie, the more I realized it was making a pretty interesting and original commentary on commercialism, generally speaking. Not to mention providing a kind of curious response to the first two films (à la the 18th-century guys and their sequels). So I wrote all about that, too, but I won’t bore you with all of the specifics of my outrageously earnest analysis of the film and the Halloween franchise.

So what does any of this have to do with Gadhafi?

The connection involves a Syrian film producer named Moustapha Akkad, the fellow who kind of fell into becoming the chief financeer of the first Halloween and then ultimately the caretaker of the entire series.

Akkad was himself a filmmaker, having directed an sprawling epic called Mohammed, Messenger of God starring Anthony Quinn in 1976 that takes about three hours to tell the story of Islam. Akkad wanted to break into the American market, however. Akkad knew the producer Irwin Yablans (who had distributed John Carpenter’s 1976 film Assault on Precinct 13), and it was through Yablans that Akkad ended up fronting the $320,000 to Carpenter to make a movie about killer who stalked babysitters.

As we know, the low-budgeted Halloween was an enormous box office hit, earning something like $60 million and helping spawn an entire subgenre of horror, the slasher. It would take awhile for the group to put out a second part (in 1981), but that one, too, was a financial boon for Akkad and others involved. They’d spend $2.5 million to make that one, but it would earn about $25 million from its theatrical release.

Back when Akkad was intially approached about backing the first Halloween, he was in the midst of directing a film of his own, another big-budgeted epic titled Lion of the Desert that told the story of Libya’s resistance to Italian incursions between the world wars. Anthony Quinn was in that one, too, along with Oliver Reed, John Gielgud, and Rod Steiger. That film lasts more than three hours and features lavish Lawrence of Arabia-like settings (all filmed in Libya) as well as lots of elaborate battle scenes.

The production was a lengthy and costly, with a reported budget of $35 million. In fact, Akkad once told an interviewer how he was spending more in a single day on Lion of the Desert than the entire budget of Halloween. He also told that interviewer that Halloween was “funded... with pocket change from Lion of the Desert.”

Thing was, cost wasn’t really an issue for Akkad. Why? Because he had a backer with deep, deep pockets.

That’s right. Moammar Gadhafi.

When Lion of the Desert was finally released 1981, critical response was favorable, but the film had a hard time getting distributed thanks to the Gadhafi connection. Thus, from a commercial standpoint the film became one of the biggest box office flops in history, earning just $1.5 million total from its initial release. In the space of just a couple of years Akkad found himself associated with one of the most profitable films in history (in terms of budget-vs.-box office) and one of the most costly.

When writing my article about Halloween III I became fascinated with the whole Gadhafi connection and how the dictator had kind of indirectly helped start the whole franchise. I ended up including a lengthy digression in the original draft regarding it all, but my editor wisely suggested cutting it out as it wasn’t that pertinent to my main argument.

So that’s why Gadhafi’s death here at the end of October made me think of Halloween movies.

There are a couple of postscripts to add here, too, regarding Akkad.

In my article I did address how they ended up going back to the Michael Myers storyline in the subsequent sequels. I have since seen them, and find them all mostly tedious (although that H20 reboot with Jamie Lee Curtis is a bit inspired). By the time that issue of the Journal of Popular Film and Television came out there had been eight films altogether, with Akkad involved as an executive producer for each.

I mentioned in the article how Akkad was saying he intended to keep on making the films. In interviews Akkad liked to allude to a line that Donald Pleasance (who starred the first two, then the fourth, fifth, and sixth before he died in 1995) had once said: “I’m going to stop at 22.”

Akkad also frequently said he was going to make sure they never made the mistake of III again -- a film that did turn a reasonable profit at the theaters but enjoyed nothing like the commercial success of all the others. In my article I wrote how in interviews “Akkad characterizes his relationship to the homicidal central character as parental in nature, suggesting that the survival of Myers is directly linked to his own: ‘I keep protecting him on and on and on until [laugh] I die!’”

As it happened, about a year later Akkad did die a most tragic death.

Akkad was killed on November 11, 2005 along with his daughter in a terrorist attack in Amman, Jordan. Suicide bombers had been sent by Al-Qaeda to three different hotels, including the Grand Hyatt where the 75-year-old Akkad and his daughter were staying. Those bombings killed 60 people total.

Finally, about a month ago Universal pictures issued a new Blu-Ray edition of Halloween II in which the “Moustapha Akkad presents” credit had been mysteriously removed, crudely replaced with a “Universal, an MCA Company, presents” card.

Fans of the film, franchise, and Akkad were outraged by the change. Some suspected it had to something to do with Akkad’s Muslim background and current “War on Terror”-fueled prejudices. (Not a little ironic, given how he died.) Others speculated it might have had something to do with the Gadhafi connection from long ago.

More likely, however, was just an unfortunate goof on Universal’s part, a possibility supported by the inclusion of Akkad’s name on the DVD box. One theory is that the change had been made on a print way back in the ’80s at some point when rights were being moved around and it was from that print that the Blu-Ray transfer was made.

In any case, Universal has apologized and says it intends to correct the error.

Meanwhile, Akkad’s passing did not spell the end for the Myers character. There have been a couple Rob Zombie-directed remakes with which the numbering started over. And I hear there is another Halloween 3 coming in 2012 (in 3D, natch), although it, too, will be featuring still more Myers mayhem.

Which means (as far as I’m concerned) that Halloween III: Season of the Witch will probably remain the most interesting sequel of the series.

October movie reviews

2011-10-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

Contagion
I wasn't supposed to see this movie. My anti-social, hypochondriatic ass doesn't need a *scientific* rationale for my solitude. Alas, I went, I have one, and now I'm sealed in a hyperbaric chamber with a shotgun with two shells. It was a good movie. Gritty, fast paced, they don't stay on any one group of characters long enough for you to want them dead, so when they die, you're sad. Might just be the BEST Gwyneth Paltrow movie EVAH!

30 Minutes or Less
It's probably not fair to include this movie, as I only saw it because I arrived at the theater 79 minutes too early for Colombiana and I walked out before the end... Um it's about some guys who try to rob a bank. The facebook guy and the brown Parks and Recreation guy are in it. Super dumb... Unless the end is sooo brilliant that it saves the film. Doubt it.

Fright Night
I saw the original in the theaters with my mom when I was a mere lad. It scared the beejezus out of me. Though I have no beejezuses left, the remake was plenty scary. First, McLovin was GREAT in this! I love that kid. Also, David Tennant was perfection. Love him. And they were just *supporting cast*! The special effects were boss (I don't think it *needed* to be in 3D, but whatevs.) the main characters were good, except for the girl love interest, she was kinda terrible. But all around fun horror!

Colombiana
Zoe Saldana and her ubiquitousness is starting to strain my last nerve. That said, this movie about an assasin out to avenge her parents' murder was a fun action flick.

The Debt
I didn't know what this movie was about when I went to see it, but when I left, I went straight home and googled the hell out of "mossad assassinations." It's a great movie, though it's a stretch to say Helen Mirren "stars," since she plays the old lady version of the young woman who is at the center of this political thriller.

What Dreams May Come
Oh man, was this movie bad. I mean, no, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen, but it was truly terrible, especially considering it stars two Academy Award winners. It's about a family who all die in various ways in a 24 month span and how they find each other again in the afterlife. Barf.

The Forgotten
I forget what this movie was about. I'm not even kidding...oh... Wait... that lady is in it... Julianne Moore, I think? Redhead? Oh, she plays a mom whose son died, but then everyone tries to tell her that she never had a son. Aliens end up being involved. Double barf.

Carriers
I watched this movie because Stephen King wrote that it was the best horror movie he's seen in seven years. Either Stephen King doesn't know shit about horror movies or he is secretly an investor in this movie. It was not good. Your typical a-virus-is-loose-and-killing-anyone-who-catches-it apocalyptic tale. There are six main characters who you don't care about. They don't all make it and you don't care about that either. Snooze.

Down to the Bone
Um...the woman from Up in the Air stars as a drug addict mother of two trying to get clean. Super boring.

The people under the stairs
This movie is about a kid who goes with his uncle to break into this huge mansion on their otherwise poor street. Turns out there are mysterious people under the stairs. O_o I watched this cause there were black people on the cover. Does that EVER work out for me? Okay. Moving on.

Shutter
This was the original Japanese version of a Sarah Michelle Gellar movie I forgot I saw until I was halfway through the movie and feeling like I'd seen it already. It's basically exactly the same with English subtitles. It's good.

The Lost Boys
This movie was AWFUL! Why are people always "oh my God, you haven't seen Lost Boys? You just have to!" I spit on Lost Boys. The vampire creation process makes zero sense. The ultimate bad guy is implausible AND the effects suck. No pun intended. Blech.

Your Highness
This movie about a lazy prince trying to prove himself to his father and keep up with his superstar older brother is pretty funny. There are quests and sword fights and possibly gay pedophilia.

Something Borrowed
This. Movie. Is. WRETCHED! It's about supposedly best friends, but when one sleeps with the other's fiance, it becomes quite clear that they hate each other. Ugh. This is, how hollywood always views female friendships. And this one....ugh...awful awful awful. Not funny, not touching, not romantic. Big heaping waste of time. On my deathbed, I'll still be regretting this.

Insidious
Holy shit! So, I'm watching and it's so slow and I figure everything out and roll my eyes forty minutes later when they explain it to the main character cause...DUDE, SO OBVIOUS! Heck, in my head I'm already writing up the bad review I'm going to give it and THEN the last ten minutes happen and I'm screaming and turning all the lights on in my apartment.

Thor
I didn't hate this movie. The Thor dude is hot and spends an appropriate amount of time in a state of half dress. I liked the fighting and the twist...it's no Ironman 1, but it's better than Ironman 2.

Paul
Vomit. I love Simon Pegg. This movie made me want to find him and thump him in the stomach. This movie is about an alien trying to escape Area 51 and he enlists the help of these British tourists. Jason Bateman and Sigourney Weaver are hot on their tails. I fell asleep at least three times. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Irresistible
Crappy Susan Sarandon movie where she lives in Australia and is a stay at home mom afraid her husband is cheating on her, but he's not, so he thinks she's crazy and takes the children... Or something.

Barney's Version
Um...this movie was pretty good. Paul Giamiatti is in his wheelhouse here as an insecure middle aged man looking for love. There's an uninteresting murder subplot that is unnecessary and a bit distracting. Minnie Driver is hilariously annoying.

The Secret in Their Eyes
This is a great Spanish film. Equal parts love story and mystery. Very good from start to finish.

Red Riding Hood
Um. This movie wasn't terrible, but there's really no need to see it unless you're bored on a plane. The big "who's the wolf?" mystery ain't that great.

Limitless
I liked this movie starring the Hangover guy as a failure who starts taking experimental genius pills and becomes an overnight success. He predictably gets caught up in the wrong element and there's a lot of running.

Drive
Wow, so Ryan Gosling's career appears to be back, huh? Here he plays a loner who works at a garage and is a stunt driver for movies. Then he falls for his next door neighbor. Dun dun dun. The casting is excellent, including that comedic jewish guy from "The In- laws" as a badass gangster (you sorta laugh about that for a while, but by the end, he sells it.) Carey Mulligan is good. I liked it.

Surprise, surprise: Social media means we just aren't surprised any longer

2011-09-29T15:27:00.001-07:00

One reason we watch movies is for the hook. Another is the characters. But let's face it: The most fun is the surprise.

It doesn't happen too often, though, does it? In fact, it hasn't happened at all for me in a few years. I don't know if it ever will again.

There's so much out there to spoil the surprise. Spoilers lurk in Twitter, Facebook and e-mail, let alone the office water cooler. Hell it was hard enough not to hear about any major shock BEFORE social media. Homer Simpson, after all, spoiled one of the best (see below), and that was in 1983, before cell phones were just a twinkle in your eye.

Those who make movies don't seem to care about the surprise. They care about shock value, sure, but that usually translates into getting to see someone's skin peeled off or something equally gruesome or maybe lots of fecal jokes.

Shock = money.

The reason I'm partly blaming social media is because pulling off a surprise is nearly impossible anyway. How many can you remember? I will list five below. I call them the five best, but to be honest they are the only five I recall. It takes brilliant, Breaking-Bad-type writing, sturdy plot building and incredible acting. It has to get an increasingly cynical public because we're mostly fed fast-food remakes and retread "thrillers" (I'm one of them if you couldn't tell) to completely buy into a plot, then shift it and come up with a twist so amazing it blows our minds.

So let's say a movie actually does this, against all odds, the kind Phil Collins sang about. Well, come on. Our hype machines are just begging for some grease given today's entertainment climate. We'd Tweet, Facebook and text it to death. And even if any of us didn't give it away, again, Against All Odds, the rest of us would go to the movie expecting a surprise. And when you're expecting a surprise, you're not nearly as surprised when it happens. Talk to M. Night Shyamalan about that one.

My top five movie surprises of all time. I doubt these will shock you. You see what I did there?

1. "The Empire Strikes Back" — Oh, come on, admit it, you gasped, and gasped HARD, when Darth Vader told Luke he was his father. I still remember the theater recoiling in horror. Even Dad, who could tell us what would happen at the end of a movie within the first five minutes, didn't sniff that one out. That surprise also kind of made every other Star Wars movie sucky, or at least not as good as "Empire," but man was that a fun one. The only problem? No way would it work today. Our cynicism wouldn't let us buy into it, and the surprise would last about five minutes after the movie came out.

2. "The Usual Suspects" — This doesn't come until the very end, but that just makes it one of the best endings, ever, to a movie. And it manages to pull off a fun surprise twice. You actually think someone else is Keyser Soze before you find out someone ELSE is Soze.

3. "The Sixth Sense" — I wonder if M. Night's career would have been better had he NOT made this movie. Granted it's probably one of the best movies ever made in the last 20 years, and wow did that ending throw me. You too. Admit it. No, you did NOT know Bruce Willis was really dead. But this movie haunted him throughout his career. He became the "surprise" guy, and that kind of magic only happens once in a director's life. By the time "The Village" came out the act had grown so tired that he seemed to just give up and made some horrible, horrible pictures after that.

4. "The Crying Game" — Hey, I thought he looked female, too, although I remember my mother whispering to me right before the twist "She doesn't have much of a chest." It's gotta be the only time a non-porno film had a shot of a penis be so central to the plot.

5. "Fight Club" — The thing I loved about this, just like "The Sixth Sense," is the surprise was like a delicious cherry on the sundae. We didn't need the surprise for it to be a terrific movie. Yet you add in the surprise and it's an absolute classic. One of the most underrated films of all the time.

Bonuses: Oh, how I wish I was in the theater when that creature popped out of the guy's stomach in "Alien." My uncle was and he said it was one of the biggest shocks of his life. And "Psycho" practically invented the surprise twist, although I saw it coming because of far too many references to Norman and his mother before I caught it on TV when I was 12.

3.5" Movies - Red State

2011-09-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

When I was a young teenager, writer-director Kevin Smith's first film, Clerks, debuted and became an indie sensation. The black-and-white movie was interesting as much for its quirky dialogue as for its sophomoric humor. Smith quickly became one of my favorite film makers after Mallrats and Chasing Amy, two comedies, the first of which is about slackers at a mall and the second, about a small time comic book creator who falls in love with a lesbian.

From there, my opinion of Kevin Smith movies gets worse and worse. Still, Smith has a special role in my heart, since he spoke to my sarcastic, sophomoric self, just when that self was developing. Even now, I follow his blog and maintain my old email address, which was derived from two Smith characters both played by My Name is Earl's Jason Lee, Brody (Mallrats) and Banky (Chasing Amy).

When I heard that Smith was debuting his new film, Red State, on various platforms other than a regular movie theater release, I was intrigued. Here was a guy who was going against the system. When the film finally became available on iTunes and most cable on Demand services, I decided to check it out. And I was delightfully surprised.

Whereas most of Smith's films are comedies, Red State is an intoxicating blend of thriller/horror, with a dash of comedy for full effect. The movie is about a family who lives in the sticks, known as the Coopers. They were modeled after the Phelps family, known for their fanatical anti-homosexual beliefs ("God Hates Fags!") and protests at soldier's funerals. In Smith's film, the head of the family is played by Michael Parks, a veteran actor who somehow makes the leader of an insular, homophobic clan into a charming guy. Unlike the Phelps family, the Coopers are not just content with protests. Things get a lot more heated when the Coopers end up with a couple of neighborhood kids on their property and law enforcement at their gates.

I do not want to give away too much, since part of the joy in the film are the unexpected turns. What I can say is that this film had several moments where you knew what was going to happen, only to have something else happen instead. Whether intentional or not, this set-up-and-swerve storytelling adds richness to the story and characters, rather than feeling like a cheap way to sensationalize or shock the viewer.

I give this film a whopping 9 out of 10. The story is unique, the plotting and pacing are pitch perfect, and the acting is fantastic. If there is any negative, it was in the film's length; quite frankly, I wanted more.

Until next time, keep 'em 3.5"!

TIFF Review - Barrymore

2011-09-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Chrstopher Plummer may very well be the finest classically trained actor alive today. If you have any doubts about the veracity of this statement, make a point of seeing Barrymore.

In 1996, Plummer won the Tony for his role in this one-man (well one man + a guy offstage) play about the declining days of actor John Barrymore. The play came back to Toronto earlier this year, with Plummer once again in the eponymous role. This time around though, it was decided that a a film version should also be produced. Directed by Erik Canuel (Bon Cop Bad Cop), Barrymore the film is more than a simple documentary-style recording of the play. Canuel didn't simply set up some cameras at a performance; the play was reworked to fit the medium.

Without a doubt, Plummer IS the film. A tour de force performance, a master class in acting, and deserving of every acting award that can be handed out for this year's movies. Seriously, halfway through I couldn't see anybody else coming close to being as Oscar-worthy as Plummer is here. Expect a rant from me if he's not on the list of nominees. This should be required viewing for anybody who wants to act, so they have a pinnacle to aspire to.

That's not to say the script and direction aren't noteworthy as well, but the command Plummer takes as the iconic actor he portrays eclipses all else. Switching from congenial and humourous to lost and on the brink of madness to virtuoso performances of Shakespeare, all while recounting his life to that point, John Barrymore evokes sympathy and awe. Raw talent, ego, hedonism, and self-destruction are all laid bare for the audience to experience with the protagonist. Clever directorial choices enhance the experience, and the switch from theatrical to cinematic presentation allows for subtleties and acting choices that wouldn't be available in a live performance.

In fact, the very act of capturing a theatrical performance on film is itself a commentary on John Barrymore. A silent screen star who transitioned to live performances later in his career, with precious few recordings of his Shakespearean work, for which he had received stellar reviews. Plummer is equally renowned for his work on the stage, and this is an excellent means of capturing his intensity and talent in a permanent form.

My screening, the world premiere, was followed by a discussion between Plummer and Atom Egoyan, which made the on-screen performance that much more impressive. A bombastic, overpowering presence on screen as John Barrymore, Plummer was a more subdued, and frankly sane, persona in person. It was a fast reminder of what true acting can be - inhabiting the role as another person, not simply being a variation of your daily self. Add Plummer's long-held idolization of the Barrymore family (pre-Drew), and you can see why so much passion and success can be found in this role.

TIFF Review - The Artist

2011-09-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

No mincing words on this one - I loved this film. LOVED it. There's usually one film out of my TIFF selections that I end up adoring, and this is the clear favourite so far. This one already has tons of buzz from Cannes and TIFF, and has names like John Goodman and James Cromwell in it and Bérénice Bejo is a gorgeous face to plant on posters. But, it IS a silent film about the end of the silent film era, so it probably falls into that quirky category that the morons that market movies can't figure out how to sell effectively.

George Valentin is THE movie star of silent films. He lives the high life in Hollywood in the late 20's, with a seemingly endless stream of crowd-pleasing movies with his name on the marquee. He hams it up for audiences, oozes charisma, and is on top of the world. But a new technology is coming in - sound. George laughs off this new form as nothing more than a fad, only to see his career dry up overnight as talkies take the world by storm.

The movie follows his descent from star to has-been, while at the same time charting the rise of Peppy Miller, a young ingenue whose career was launched by an accidental encounter with George. Peppy, infatuated with George and never forgetting how he helped her, tries to help him in return to regain his status, but has to break through his wall of pride and ego first.

The film is a thing of beauty. Shot in a style that itself an homage to silent film - black and white, with a constant musical score underlying every scene, and completely silent except for two notable scenes - it shows that this nearly abandoned form still has much to offer. Actors are forced to act without voices; dialogue is often unimportant (and unrevealed), leaving the audience to fill in the blanks of what might have been said. Hell, even the dog becomes a more effective actor (and won the prestigious "Palme Dog" at Cannes). By eliminating one of the senses we associate with movies, it forces us to watch more intently, and draws us deeper into this world.

I found it interesting that as I watched, I kept comparing the presentation to that of another of my fest favourites - Pontypool. Where that production relied almost entirely on speech and voice to present its drama, itself nearly a radio play, The Artist relies solely on the visual, eschewing speech entirely.

Sure, there are observations to be made regarding those who are left behind by technological progress, or the ability of mankind to rebound from the bleakest depths, or even how the fickle nature of Hollywood has been largely unchanged over the decades, but in the end this is a movie that can be enjoyed purely for the story it tells and the means it uses to tell it.

TIFF Review - Keyhole

2011-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

A shootout, a retreat, and a holing up of gangsters in their leader's home starts off Guy Maddin's version of the Odyssey. In this instance, that means there's a character named Ulysses and he has to do some stuff to get to his wife. Oh, and there's a cyclops.

In reality, Keyhole is a gangster-ghost-love story about the lives of a house. It is a movie about memories and how the everyday objects around us evoke them. It is about longing, and it is rarely what you think.

Ulysses (Jason Patric) returns to his old home, troupe of straight-outta-noir gangsters in tow, a few gun molls, a captive tied to a chair, and a beautiful blind guide who happens to be drowning. They set up camp in the living room, hoping the cops don't show up, and start fighting amongst themselves. Ulysses needs to find his wife, Hyacinth (Isabella Rossellini) , who is upstairs somewhere, but his memory is fuzzy. The fact there are ghosts screaming and wandering amongst them is almost secondary.

Meanwhile, Hyacinth is lounging in her bed, with her lover in the corner and her naked father chained to the bedpost, warning of Ulysses' search for her.

The story of Hyacinth and Ulysses' past is slowly narrated to us as the search continues. His blind, drowning guide reminds him of past events so that he can discover which items he must present to his wife to speak with her. He sends his minions out to find these lost artifacts, which he presents at the keyhole of every room he enters. Hyacinth says she will pretend he isn't there, and each door opened reveals another element of their past.

In the meantime, the gangsters downstairs are renovating a room for the boss while simultaneously planning their mutiny against him and rebuilding an electric chair Ulysses' son had built years earlier. Eventually, this all comes together. Of course, nothing is quite as it seems.

Over all of this is Maddin's trademark style. Black and white, changes in media, obfuscated symbolism, and overt, slightly unsettling atypical sexuality are all there as expected. However, Keyhole is, like the house it portrays, a story of layers. Years of memories painted over even older ones. Ancient damage is plastered over and remade again and again. For every person who passes through the doors of a home, the memories are different. Even ghosts have their ghosts that haunt them, and we all react differently to them. Even the perspective we believe we know can change subtly and dramatically. And sometimes, these memories are all that is left behind for us.

TIFF Review - The Raid

2011-09-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

Let's get the plot out of the way on this one: SWAT team launches a raid on an apartment building controlled by the most feared criminal boss in town. Apartment is full of other criminals hiding out from cops, because nobody, including cops, goes near this place.

SWAT goes in, bad guys get alerted, bullets fly, lots of people die. Not so many cops anymore.

Yah, van full of cannon fodder. 5 cops left. One of who is Iko Uwais is one of them.

Iko Uwais is a Silat martial artist - a relatively unknown Indonesian fighting method that is all kicks, punches, elbows, knees, and a bunch of close-combat damage.

There, you can largely fill in the rest.

This movie is pretty much 80 minutes of kick-ass with 10 minutes of moving the plot along. There's no "six-feet-of-air" punches, or bouncy-castle fighting. Close-ups of fists to faces, knees to heads, and general mayhem in a confined space caused a theatre full of aficionados of these kind of films to let out the grunts and groans that go with watching someone get their ass kicked in a monumental fashion.

One guy armed with a knife and nightstick vs 20 in a hallway. No problem. Same guy, unarmed, vs 6 guys with machetes? A bit tougher, but a quick rest will fix what ails ya. A mad-dog killer who drops his weapons to fight the captain of the force fist-to-fist? A valiant effort. That same killer then facing off against two good guys (well, 1.5 good guys)? Well, when two of the combatants involved are the fight choreographers, you know it's gonna be good. Hell, the participants are all evenly beat up already to make the 2-on-1 battle a believable contest. There might be a few more battles in there, and a fair bit of pain.

If you're the type that likes watching people kick all kinds of ass in innovative ways, then you're the type that likes this movie. Also, it's actually good. There's no "so bad it's good" cheesiness, or guffaw-worthy moments. It's a fairly pure and straightforward piece of violence. Hell of a way to kick off my fest.

September to Remember

2011-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

Just Go with it
Adam Sandler movies used to be good. Sigh. Now, I shall insert some glib pun like "just go see something else" because this movie about a plastic surgeon who realizes his homely assistant is really JENNIFER ANISTON will make you roll your eyes so hard you will need corrective surgery.

Piranha
HOLY SHIT this movie kicked ass! I mean, if Jerry O'connell screaming "It took my penis," doesn't make for a top notch, grade A movie, how about giant ass piranhas eating people in mid air?! AWESOMESAUCE! Was there a Piranha 2?? I actually have honest to goodness follow up questions.

Horrible Bosses
I liked this movie. I laughed A LOT. That little guy from It's Always Sunny is always funny! And Jason Bateman is a terrific straight man. The bosses were also geniusly cast! Brava.

Glee 3D
Speaking of AWESOMESAUCE...this movie had extra heaping ladles of the stuff! I don't even think you need to watch the TV show to love this movie...though, if you're not watching the TV show... WHY NOT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? And please leave your name in the comment section so I have the correct spelling to give to Homeland.

The Help
This movie is about a spunky young white girl who comes home from college and wants to be a reporter. She gets a job writing the cleaning column for local newspaper. But she realizes "I'm white! I don't know anything about cleaning!" And gets her friend's maid to answer all the questions while she transcibes the answers. As she spends time with this woman who is cleaning and raising her friend's kid *IN ADDITION* to answering the questions for HER columnist job, she realizes that the help sure aren't treated very nice. She then asks the maid to tell her what it's like to be a maid, so that she can submit the stories to a publisher in New York. I saw this movie in a theater full of about 75% old white women. Eff yo nostalgia! My little hands were balled into fists for two and a half hours. It's a right good fine movie. Reminded me of Avatar. O_O. Seriously, when are we getting the sarcasm font? But no, really, if you liked Avatar you will LOVE THE HELP! Also, if you liked Avatar please leave your name in the comment section along with which high school signed over a diploma to you.

Planet of the Apes
This movie was terrific! This is EXACTLY what happens when we start letting animals live in our homes, eat our food and get human names. They blow shit up, murder people and destroy property! Finally, Hollywood stops pandering to the bleeding heart liberals and shows us the truth!

Vincere
A foreign movie about Benito Mussolini and his first wife that he apparently dumped and then disavowed. It's weird at the beginning. There are all kinds of "greek chorus" interludes and random spinning newspaper wipes in between scenes, but the movie settles into a nice pace about an hour in. It then becomes a movie about a woman trying to prove she is who she says she and her son are from the inside of a mental hospital. Not to spoil anything, but, um, it does not go well.

The Cove
This is a documentary about the brave soldiers standing on the frontlines protecting humanity from the impending dolphin threat AND THE SPECIES TRAITORS trying to stop them! O_O I can never run for office now, huh? So yeah, apparently, they brutally stab schools of dolphins to death until the water in the cove runs crimson with blood. Most people are appalled. Others think to themselves, hmm... I like that color, I think I'm buying a red coat for winter. *whistles*

The Lincoln Lawyer
This isn't the worst Matthew Mcconaughey movie I have ever seen. Still, it *IS* a Matthew Mcconaughey, so it's bad. He plays a shady lawyer who suddenly grows a conscience when he realized he talked an innocent client into taking a plea. OH NOES! Dumb.

The Eclipse
I really liked this movie and I think it's because I didn't know anything about it at all because when I googled it later and read descriptions like "horror" "thriller" I was like "What movie did they watch?" This was a short, simple story about a dude volunteering at a literary festival. Some stuff happens, he meets a pretty lady, gets in a fight, maybe sees a couple of ghosts. But that's it. Also, there was no eclipse...so the title's a bit weird.

16 Years of Alcohol
I rented this movie because I loved the series Rome and the lead actor in this was the lead actor in that. (He plays a shitty character on Grey's Anatomy now.) This movie is wretched. And not JUST because it relies heavily on stupid voice over narration...not that it helps. It tells the tale of an Irish boy whose mother leaves home and whose father is an alcoholic, so he becomes an alchoholic...oh wait, I already said "Irish," so the rest was redundant. Oh snap #RACES But yeah, skip it. There are way better Irish tragedy movies.

Ajami
This is an Israeli flick about too many damn things. Like, seriously, they could have broken this movie up into five movies and we'd all be better off for it. There's the Romeo and Juliet story, the Godfather story, the Oliver story, some comic book story... I dunno. I guess it was good...but it was all very superficial, too fast and you ultimately don't connect with any of the characters... plus, all middle eastern people look alike and it's confusing. #DOUBLERACES

Stripes
When am I going to learn that until I find inappropriate breast jokes hilariously funny, I need to stop renting Hollywood "comedies"? Oy. This movie is implausibly dumb even for the genre.

Fish Tank
This movie is awesomely sad, yet not sad, yet totally sad. Four thumbs up! Rent this instead of that 16 years of alcohol crap...they're not Irish, but they are British, so that's practically the same thing. It's a coming of age story of a girl from some poor English neighborhood. I don't quite understand how it got the title... but if you figure it out, let me know.

The Baby's Room
Dumb horror movie about a guy who crosses into a parallel universe and ends up coming face to face with the him that he might have been under different circumstances. Blah.

Paranormal Activity
I totally wrote off this flick about a couple dealing with sounds and objects moving in their new house, as a dumb horror movie. But then, the next day, I was in the shower, jamming to my itunes morning playlist and my computer screen suddenly went to sleep, plunging my bathed in pale blue light bathroom to total darkness. You have never heard such loud, panicked, incessant screaming in your life. So...um...yeah...this movie might have made an impression. Also, I'm getting a shower radio.

The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
Here's the thing: the makers of this movie about one man's journey through the European healthcare system, totally ruined it with the title. I'm sayin. But it's a good movie and it's nice that someone isn't picking on the US healthcare system for once.

The Machinist
This movie SUCKS IT! Ugh. I guess I don't want to ruin it for anyone who still wants to see this so-called "thriller" starring the dude from Batman Forever...er...Batman...but SERIOUSLY IT'S SOOOOO DUUUMMMBBB. For instance, and listen, close your eyes if you plan to see it... but the main character comes home to find someone has started a hangman game with him and theyve posted the puzzle on his refrigerator. First of all, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU START A GAME OF HANGMAN! How will you know if the letters you guess are right or wrong?! Someone's gotta be there to DRAW THE HANGED MAN! OK, but that's not even the worse part...the word that the puzzle is has TWO ELS, but he only writes in ONE of them and then forty minutes later, puts in the second one! THE HELL?? If you get a letter right, they've got to PUT THEM ALL IN THE WORD AT ONCE! *Head desk*

Then She Found Me
I thought I hated this movie, then I liked it, then they tacked on the Hollywood ending and I hated it again. Boo. It stars Helen Hunt and Bette Midler as a mom who gave up her baby for adoption then tracks her down as an adult after her adoptive parents die. If it had ended like 15 minutes earlier, it would have been a strong movie. As is, meh.

I'm Through with White Girls
I got this because it had a black guy on the cover. And I thought "Ha! A movie that's going to not skewer black women!" Uh huh. This movie sucked and I was punished for my racism. It's what I deserve. And also, he ends up with a half black, half white canadian girl in the end. AS IF there are even half black people in Canada!

Eight Men Out
I'm obsessed with baseball cheating scandals...mostly I keep hoping there is some effective way that the Mets can cheat their way to winning another World Series. This movie provided NO helpful suggestions. It was also not a very good movie. There was no nuance to any of the characters...I was surprised to find a John Cusack movie I hadn't seen though.

Let the Right One In (original)
Story of a boy and the vampire who falls in love with him. I preferred the American version. These kids were too "kid actorish." Also, the American version improves on the supporting characters and makes their stories more plausible.

Hall Pass
Meh. I didn't hate this movie. I also didn't laugh at anything in this movie until the 60 seconds following the credits where the funniest shit ever happens and I couldn't stop laughing for like 20 minutes. I could almost recommend this movie on the strength of those seconds alone...almost.

Arthur
Yes, I cried during this movie. SO WHAT? I WILL FIGHT YOU! It's not a comedy per se (and as such, I don't consider it a remake of the Dudley Moore classic) but there is a grown man wearing tights and a cape, so it's not exactly a drama. But if you are not made of stone you WILL WEEP!

Battle: Los Angeles
GOT DAMB EFFING ALIENS ALWAYS TRYING TO COME FOR MY GOT DAMB PLANET! Earth is so lucky Americans are bad ass alien fighters! This movie falls just shy of awesome, but only barely. You get sucked into the story and the way it's shot makes you feel like you're totally in the movie. It's pretty good!

Rango
Um. So...um...yeah...I find myself at a loss for words because I can't say terrible things about a Johnny Depp movie, right? I mean, he's Johnny Depp...wait...never mind...Depp was in The Tourist...I can do this. This movie WAS WRETCHED HORRIBLENESS WRAPPED IN A CRAP BURRITO. I don't know how it got made or why it was then released or why every copy wasn't then rounded up and burned, but I'm writing a letter to my congressman. Ugh. Woman. Hate her sooo much.

Unknown
Here's a tip everybody: if you get in a taxi cab in Berlin and your driver is a smoking hot blond woman, SOME STUFF IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! This was a pretty standard action flick. There's a twist, but it's not really that twisty. Stuff blows up and there are impressive car wrecks. I can't complain.

Last train home
I can't tell for sure if this was a documentary or not...I'm 79 percent sure it is. In which case, this movie about a family of parents who work in the big city and the two kids they left behind to be raised by the grandma, is pretty good. If it's fiction, it's just okay. My favorite part was this scene where thousands of Chinese people (oh, it's set in China about the workers who take a train home for Chinese New Year because that's the only time they see their families) are waiting for ten days for the train because there's been a power outage. There was no food or facilities and the conditions are wretched. But there's this one dude who tells the reporter he's excited about China hosting the Olympics and he "hopes the Chinese win all the gold medals. There are billions of us! Why should we not beat America, there are only millions of them!" I laughed so hard! Nationalism is nationalism even when you live in a facist psuedo communist country. Which that dude does.

Blue Valentine

I want to say this was the perfect movie, but I fear that may reveal exactly how twisted I am, so...er...this movie was so sad and these characters are damaged and flawed...nah, can't do it. Movie was perfect...that's exactly how life and relationships are. *B-boy stance*

The Adjustment Bureau
Why does Matt Damon keep making bad movies? Does he want me to Ben Affleck him? OH MAN THIS MOVIE WAS BAD. However, I did start paying attention to my every minor decision making for the next week wondering if I was really choosing or if the Adjustment Bureau was choosing... but then I lost interest and stopped. Or did I? Maybe they wanted me to stop because I was getting too close!

Source Code
Jake Gyllenhaal is officially Ben Afflecked.

Last Year's TIFF Quick(ish) Hits

2011-09-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

Yah, I really DID look through the drafts folder. Here are quick hit reviews of what I didn't quite hit publish on last year:

The Illusionist

Yah, I saw this nearly a year ago, and Dawn wrote about it last month. That's shameful on my part.

A nearly silent animated film, The Illusionist brings the work of Jaques Tati to fruition. An aging magician, Tatischeff, is in the twilight of his career as the world moves on from simple magic shows to grander entertainments. A young, naive girl, Alice, sees his show and believes he is truly magical and forces her company upon him. Lonely, and with little to show for a life of performing, he reluctantly accepts her presence, rapidly developing a father-daughter relationship. In order to maintain his final illusion of magic, and being able to provide for her, he takes demeaning jobs and sells his few possessions to afford the meager lifestyle they live. Throughout this time he longingly stares at a photo, believed to be that of his own estranged daughter.

The film is about regret. Tatischeff, now believing himself to old to make amends, uses Alice a surrogate for his own daughter. While his life declines and he leaves all he has to her, the world he comes from declines as well. The performers he works with follow a similar path of deteriorating fortune and increasing depression. The world of vaudeville and live performance fades in the face of rock bands and modern entertainment. In the end, all he can truly hope to do is see that his new ward has a better chance than he does, while destroying the illusions around him.

You Are Here

This one is a bit of a mind trip. Disparate stories, all strange, come together in unexpected ways. There is no easy way to describe a film where an archivist picks up the pieces of a solitary man in a room translating Chinese without knowing the language while a group of men and women, all named "Alan" wander the streets of Toronto at the behest of people on phones in an office, constantly trying to avoid any of the "Alans" meeting one another. Or are we just watching a video of waves while pointedly trying NOT to look at the red laser pointer dot?

It's a twisted philosophical exercise on our place in the universe and elements of unseen control and coincidence in our lives. Maybe.

I really need to get me a copy of this and watch it again. Of course, it's also currently playing down the road from me, so I could wander there... if I'm given the proper directions.

Trigger

Bruce McDonald and Daniel MacIvor's My Dinner with Andre morphs into a night wandering the streets of Toronto for two women with a history. Seen as Tracey Wright's last film (she was also in You Are Here), her presence infuses every aspect of this film, which is, despite protestations of the filmmakers, as much about her as the story.

Kat (Molly Parker) and Vic (Wright) are former bandmates who fell out long ago. They reunite at a posh restaurant on the night of a local club show in their honour. The two women have obviously followed different paths, with Vic's face showing that her previous lifestyle, time, and illness have taken their toll. Kat is every inch the successful sell-out who moved to L.A. and abandoned her true roots. The two of them quickly put aside the pleasantries as past wounds open and the truth emerges. They move on, slowly making their way to their show, revealing bits and pieces of themselves as they go.

This is a conversation movie, but instead of a single room, it spans a city as it spans two lifetimes in a single night. We are drawn in to the story being told, an eavesdropper seeing painful truths and raw emotions being brought to bear. The fact that Wright was literally dying as this was filmed, as they raced to finish the film while she was still alive, only deepens the truth found within. It's a great piece from start to finish, and with the minor exception of a dream-like sequence near the beginning (which is used to give us a quick history of the main characters), the whole thing feels authentic. An easy favourite from last year's fest.

But then, I expected nothing less from the names in the credits.

Repeaters

I have to be honest, I had to look this one up, as I had NO recollection of what it was about. As soon as I did though, I remembered it.

It's Groundhog Day for psychos.

Three 20-somethings in rehab get a day pass to make amends with those they have wronged in their past. None of these attempts go well. In fact, they go as badly as possible, and all three just want the day to be over. Then it starts again. And again. And again.

So you're a young, recovering drug addict, with destructive tendencies, who has found themselves in a temporal loop where your actions have no consequences in the larger world. What would you do?

Yah...

Now make one of the three of them a developing psychopath. Who only gets worse with each iteration of the day.

Now have him realize the only people who he can really affect are the other two.

Have them develop a conscience.

Go.

The premise is good. The execution? Uneven. It's decidedly Canadian low-budget, which is somewhat distracting, but the trade-off being that it can be darker than a slick big-budget production would be allowed. In the hindsight of a year, I still recall walking out entertained but disappointed. It hit all the notes I had expected it to hit. The acting was good enough, there was tension and ridiculousness, and all that one would think they'd find. But it just felt like some polishing could be done.

Hey, I can't remember everything a year later, can I?

Monsters

This has popped back on the radar recently. I guess a recent dvd/blu release happened, or maybe HBO showings... I don't know. I do know that I saw it, and actually have notes!

First off, the director is a photographer, so they movie itself is beautifully shot. Which is good since it largely takes place in Mexican jungle near the US border. See, a little while back, some aliens crash landed on Earth. They started growing and becoming a menace, so a large swath of land (most of Northern Mexico) was abandoned and walled off to contain these giant monsters. Now, a very rich publisher has a very spoiled daughter on the wrong side of the border as they're doing a final evacuation of the area. He sends one of his photographers to escort her to the ferry that will bring her home. They do some stupid stuff and of course, missed ferry.

This leaves the option of... travelling through monster-land. What's that? Two attractive people going through dangerous territory together? I wonder if any feelings will emerge?

It's not a complicated movie by any means. Where one would normally expect a twist or backstabbing in modern films, this one goes straight through. Things are exactly as shown, the sketchy mercenaries are, in fact, just fine. The fear of bad things happening is misplaced. In short, it was somewhat refreshing to have a story go from A to B to C without taking detours. After all, it's a world inhabited by monsters, why should you need to worry about the humans?

Except the monsters don't really make that many appearances. A bump in the water, a rustle in the trees, some distant screaming, gunfire at the camera... but no monsters.

Until the bioluminescent cephalopods start floating around that is. They're beautiful creatures and suggest that, surprise surprise, these monsters may be somewhat misunderstood.

Monsters is a pretty film. It's a simple film. It's even a good film. But don't go in expecting a whole whack of excitement, or even much to keep it sticking around in your head. It's a romance wrapped up in a survival movie that takes a look at what happens long after the aliens get here.

Amigo

Nobody's ever accused John Sayles of being a-political. In Amigo, he uses the Philippine-American war as a means of commenting on the modern-day conflicts in the middle east. A small Barrio of rice farmers has become a makeshift prison for Spanish guardsman and Padre. The leader of the village, Rafael was given the task of holding them by his brother, the head of the local revolutionary guerrillas. Life continues on until a garrison of Americans show up en route to capturing Emilio Aguinaldo. They are left behind to "protect" the village, while trying to "win the hearts and minds" of the Filipino people. The Americans free the Spanish prisoners, who promptly turn on Rafael as a troublemaker. Rafael is dubbed "Amigo" by the Americans and finds himself answering to both the new occupiers and his people while trying to maintain some control over the situation. Things get worse as the Americans impose restrictions on the locals, slowly turning the village into a camp, and the guerrillas at the gates.

The movie strives for authenticity. Filmed in Filipino barrios, with locals cast in various roles, and Tagalog being the predominant language. There's also a valiant attempt at casting some grey into the various roles. The soldiers aren't generally bad guys, honestly believing they can help the locals. Some are racist bastards of course, but most are just kids trying to make it through. The villagers range from just accepting the situation and trying to get by to outright defiance. The guerrillas in the jungle are self-righteous and violent, but with a real cause. Where the black and white comes in is with the arrival of the American leadership. Chris Cooper riding in changes the tone from "hearts and minds" to "beat them down". There is no grey when you get higher up. It's obvious the American military leadership is not held in high regard. This of course turns things from middling to bad to terrible, all for naught. The message, while not reaching sledgehammer of subtlety levels, is nonetheless clear - war is hell, and America should stay at home, because the real victims are those who have nothing to do with grander political machinations.

It's a Sayles movie, so it's solid as usual. The message comes off as a bit heavy-handed, to the point where some lines and actions detract from the experience, pulling the viewer out of the movie entirely. On the whole, there's an earnestness to the film that is appealing. There's a fine job done showing both sides to the conflict. It isn't just troubled soldiers and cowering natives, as much time is spent on the villagers and their dialogue as on the Americans'.

TIFF Picks

2011-09-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) is rolling around, as it does ever year. The programmer's pick HUNDREDS of films to be shown over the week and a half of the fest. Me? I pick just TEN of those to watch. It's often a difficult process to narrow it down to such a small percentage, but this year seemed easier. My "long" list was only 31 films and the top 10 came fairly easily from those. Here they are:

The Raid

Indonesian film where a SWAT team gets stuck behind enemy lines in an apartment complex controlled by one of those untouchable badass gangster-types, thereby guaranteeing that it is filled with bad guys with guns and martial arts skills. The lead actor is compared favourably with Tony Jaa in terms of martial artistry. Yah, floor after floor of violence. This starts my fest at midnight.

Keyhole

I honestly have no idea what this is about. It's Guy Maddin's latest feature film, so that's enough for me. Okay, something about a guy desperately trying to reach his wife in her bedroom upstairs I think. But with Maddin, it's never that straightforward.

The Artist

A silent film. A MODERN silent film, about the last days of silent film. Has a definite Sunset Boulevard feel to the description, except it's actually a silent film. Also, it has John Goodman in it. Also Malcom MacDowell and James Cromwell.

Barrymore

The story of the last days of John Barrymore, as portrayed by Christopher Plummer. With Plummer doing a talk afterwards. Christopher Plummer - 'nuff said.

Juan of the Dead

Cuban zombie comedy. The title alone sells it.

Take This Waltz

Sarah Polley's latest directorial effort. Seeing as I must, by Canadian law, love Sarah Polley (I don't need the law for that), it's a given. Throwing Sarah Silverman somewhere in that mix (I just learned that) is a bonus. Something about Michelle Williams being married to Seth Rogen but falling for Luke Kirby. Oh, and also Toronto.

Surviving Progress

A documentary, based on the book A Short History of Progress, where a bunch of progressive thinker-types (David Suzuki, Margaret Atwood, Jane Goodall, Stephen Hawking, etc..) talk about how somehow "good ideas at the time" lead to quagmires of stagnation for society - "progress traps". I need to get me some thinking in at some point.

Carré Blanc

Here, I'll just copy-and-paste the TIFF description:

A young boy ekes out an existence with his mother in an austere, unidentified city where loudspeakers make strange announcements and proclamations, a rapidly declining population resides in grim high-rises and the weak are killed and likely used for meat. In the wake of a suicide attempt, the boy undergoes a harsh rehabilitation in a state-run school. When we next see him, he’s a productive adult member of society, estranged from his wife and working for a nameless organization, where he puts other employees through a series of humiliating and bizarre performance tests.

Oh, and it's in French.

Coriolanus

Shakespeare's play, modernized by Ralph Fiennes, starring him and Gerard Butler. The preview looked pretty cool, I saw Colm Feore in the role at Stratford, so I'm looking forward to it. Besides, it doesn't get released until December otherwise.

Melancholia

Lars Von Trier tackles the end of the world. That's about all I know about it (other than Kiefer Sutherland and Kirsten Dunst are in it). That's more than I needed, as "Lars Von Trier" would be enough to get me to sign up. Oh, one more thing I've heard - it's beautiful and people like it.

So there they are - ten films for TIFF. Maybe I'll even get around to reviewing a few of them here. [checks drafts folder from last year...] Maybe I won't.

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999 005: Round 1, Heat 4

2011-08-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

Vote. It's Easy.

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Heat 3 Results

Jules Winfield 17, Red 11

Dignan 12, Derek Vinyard 20

Little Bill Daggett 10, Truman Burbank 24

William Wallace 13, Dirk Diggler16

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Mia Wallace Division, Round 1, Heat 4

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Eric Draven, The Crow

You're killed by a group of thugs after watching them rape and murder the love of your life the night before your wedding. What does one do? They come back from the dead with preternatural powers and one of the most iconic makeup jobs of moviedom and take revenge, obviously.

The Crow was an instant cult hit. It hurled "goth" into the mainstream (again), launched a hit for the Stone Temple Pilots, and made Brandon Lee a legend. Yes, his tragic death on-set contributed largely to both his status and the film's success, but Eric Draven could have well launched him out of bad B-movie action and into the mainstream. The character was SO successful that it was brought back for 3 sequels and an upcoming remake, even though the actor who portrayed the protagonist was long gone.

Crow masks were everywhere, t-shirts were sold like mad, WCW ripped the character right off when it remade Sting in his image. The black-and-white harlequin that was a reborn Eric Draven was inescapable. Here was the ultimate anti-hero on a mission of righteous vengeance - unstoppable, superpowered, and tortured.

Let's face it, if Micky Knox had killed Shelly, Draven would have made short of work of him. 17 years later, that face is still cool, and people still know what it means - sometimes, good people come back to get the justice denied them in life.

- Astin

Mickey Knox, Natural Born Killers

(Note: Riggstad is busy campaigning for Barack Obama 2012. . If he gets a spare moment, he'll give us his take on Mickey Knox. In the meantime, we'll just point out that Mickey Knox is a well-acted character in an iconic movie, not some drippy emo Robert Smith from The Cure wannabe who can't even take a single bullet. Vote accordingly.)

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Tommy DeVito, Goodfellas

"Are you kidding me? Are you f***ng kidding me? Who is this crewcut retard they're sending out here to whack me? To whack me? With his little f***ng golf clubs and his little f***ng opera man voice, listen to him, sounds like he's gonna cry, get outta here ya little f***ng ****kn***gler*** of a gl****blerch**** before I wrap that mothercr***ng golf club around your ugly little Caddyshack pl***unking head for you, you f***ng cry***ler****gle. I'll show you a hole in one, you fu*k*ng larchbl****ck, call ya mother and I'll show her a hole in one and my f**king hat trick, too. Now go home to Bob Barker and cry into your pillow for a week."

- Julius_Goat

Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore

"The price is WRONG bitch!"

I LOVE this matchup. Tommy DeVito, the foul-mouthed nutjob gangster of Goodfellas vs Happy Gilmore, the foul-mouthed nutjob golfer of, well, Happy Gilmore. Two psychos facing off, only one victor. Let's do this.

Happy Gilmore quotes:

Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way... or you'll pay! LISTEN to what I say!
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What'd ya say?

Shooter McGavin: You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: ... No!

Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

"You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!"

"Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass."

"Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass."

And of course the one at the top, spoken to one Bob Barker.

Tommy DeVito Quotes:

"Fuck you in the fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Clown."

"I am somehow amusing like a painted-face harlequin one would find in a circus or carnival environment? I commend you on your pointed compliment sir."

Or something like that.

Both are loose cannons, ready to explode at any provocation, real or imagined. But Happy IS funny and turns what seems like a truly idiotic movie into a classic piece of comedy. This is the movie that made Adam Sandler's post-SNL career. Pesci was already known by the time Goodfellas came around, and let's face it - Pesci, De Niro, Liotta in a gangster movie directed by Scorsese? That's hard to screw up.

It's not easy to knock Tommy, so I'll go for the one area that he lacks - growth. Happy Gilmore goes from hockey playing thug who has no direction and beats up everyone into a zen master of golfing. He endures personal tragedy and comes out the other side with an acceptance and maturity that seemed unachievable at first. What? This was the template for every Sandler character? Yah, but Happy did it early, and better than his predecessor, Billy Madison. By the end of the film, Happy is still Happy, but the rough edges have smoothed a bit.

Tommy? By the end of the movie he's *SPOILER ALERT* dead. Why? Because he refused to change. He showed no capacity for growth as a person and paid the price for his hubris. This isn't a tragic death, nor a hero's death. This is the inevitable end for a violent psychopath in an environment of violence. If only he'd discovered golf.

- Astin

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Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

Malcolm X was one of the most fascinating figures in the last century of U.S. history. As a movie character . . . eh, not so much.

Buzz Lightyear, on the other hand, is the sparkplug that juices one of the most successful and influential movie franchises of all times. Buzz is the heart. Buzz is the soul. Buzz is the nutball who doesn't know he's a toy, until he embraces his destiny entirely. He's the perfect toy, because he's so totally committed to the game, he doesn't always even know it is a game. Also, on Spanish setting, he's a hell of a flamenco dancer.

Vote for Buzz over Malcom, citizen. No one man should have all that power.

- Julius_Goat

Malcolm X, Malcolm X

(Note: Riggstad is on assignment with the Peace Corp, helping to save the baby seals from corporate interests. Don't judge him; he can kill you with a magazine. If he gets a spare moment, he'll give us his take on Brother Malcolm. In the meantime, we'll just say that if you can't vote for one of the most electrifying performances of the decade and one of the most amazing and uniquely American individuals of all time, instead of a cartoon toy, well, brother, you can't see the clear glass of water in front of you.)

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Phil Connors, Groundhog Day

My favorite movie of all time, with my favorite character of all time.

The "process of living" often gets in the way of the actual living of life. The alarm clock rings, we shovel some food in our mouth and rush off to work for 8 hours a day. Drive home, eat again, clean up. Take a shower. Maybe you squeeze a workout in there or a tv show. Head on the pillow, and the alarm clocks rings again. Shovel some more food in, off to work again.

Life can become an infinite loop of the same boring activities if you let it.

Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.

Like Phil Connors, we're all stuck in the same place every day. Most of us have to wake up at the same time every day, go to the same job, see the same people, and sit in the same meetings. So how do we escape this sameness? How do we embrace the routine and make our life worth living?

Like Phil, we fight. We fight against the sameness, we fight against accepting that our life consists of a routine that can imprison us. We fight for freedom and for dignity. We fight against death.

Phil Connors is a fighter, and Groundhog Day takes us through the 5 stages of accepting his own mortality.

Stage 1: Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.

Yeah, Sport,I know there's a blizzard.

When are the long-distance lines gonna be repaired?

What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

Hello?

Stage 2: Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"

Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.

I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.

*That* was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get *that* day over, and over, and over...

Stage 3: Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."

What I wanted to say was...

              

I think you're the kindest, sweetest, prettiest person...



I've ever met in my life.

I've never seen anyone... that's nicer to people than you are.

The first time I saw you... something happened to me.

                   

I never told you, but... I knew that I wanted to hold you as hard as I could.



I don't deserve someone like you.

But if I ever could...

I swear I would love you...



for the rest of my life.

Stage 4: Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

This is pitiful.

A thousand people freezing their butts off, waiting to worship a rat.

What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town.

They used to pull the hog out and eat it!

You're hypocrites, all of you!

You got a problem with what I'm saying?

Untie your tongue, and you come out here and talk.

Am I upsetting you, Princess?

You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil.

I'll give you a winter prediction.

It's gonna be cold...

it's gonna be gray...

and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

Stage 5: Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.

When Chekhov saw the long winter...he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope.

Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life.

But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney... and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts...

I couldn't imagine a better fate...than a long and lustrous winter.

From Punxsutawney, it's Phil Connors.

So long.

***

The fact that Bill Murray can take us through the five stages of grief, while making us laugh really hard, is what makes his character so memorable.

-HDouble

Donald "Sully" Sullivan, Nobody's Fool

This is Paul Newman in his last great role, and it's one of his very best. More believable than Cool Hand Luke, more relateable than Fast Eddie Felson, more likable than Hud, Newman settles into the skin of perennial loser and hereditary bad father Sully like a pair of broken-in work boots, and, because he's Paul Newman, he's also the coolest guy in town (and Bruce Willis is in town). Sully lives in an old town in upstate New York that's just like him -- hard working, but everybody knows nothing will ever come of it.

Sully walked out on his wife and kids. He's got a bum knee. He doesn't have more than a couple of twenties to rub together. He let the family house rot to pieces out of spite for his old man. He'll punch a policeman rather than stop driving on the sidewalk. But he's the only guy who can coax the demented old lady off the snowy road, and he does it by charming her. He'll even help the old lady's daughter by taking over at the local diner while she tends to her mother's feet.

Here's the thing about Sully. He's a total screwup. He's about the best guy you'll ever meet.

I expect that Phil will beat Sully in this matchup. Groundhog Day is by far the more popular movie, and Murray is admittedly great in it. But if you're one of the lucky handful that has seen Nobody's Fool, I bet you are voting for Sully.

- Julius_Goat

Vote At FilmChaw

Dawn's Not The Only One Who Watches Movies

2011-08-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

That's right, I also watch movies!

Captain American: The First Avenger

Great comic book movie and final piece before The Avengers launch next summer. My second favourite of the series behind the first Iron Man. A WWII-era film with a comic book veneer, and a generally realistic (for comic books) interpretation of a hero. Nice preview for The Avengers after the credits too.

Drive Angry

I wanted a brain-dead action piece. I got a 70's carsploitation flick with a supernatural twist. Some of what I expected (Nicholas Cage enjoying himself and Amber Heard looking hot), and some of what I was not (Satanists? It was actually pretty good). Definitely worth a watch if you want a little under 2 hours of escapism and cheese.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2

All the action that was missing from Part 1 is here. It picks up exactly where the last left off, moves into "this is SO going to be a ride" territory, and doesn't let up on the action. Pretty self-aware, lots of crowd-pleasing moments, and the bonus of half a theatre sobbing like babies as soon as the lights went down (okay, that was annoying).

Thor

Also surprisingly good. The romance plot was stupid and mostly unnecessary, but the rest was fun, carried largely by the fact that Chris Hemsworth has far more charisma than I figured. Get over the fact he's literally the God of Thunder, and enjoy the film. Also, ignore the love subplot.

Attack The Block

I don't get the mad love for this one. Sure, it's a nice little contained British creature feature. It's got all kinds of classic Spielbergian aspects to it. It's darkly funny, has some brief Nick Frost, and the creature design is original, there are nods to classic films, there's a social message.... but it's not the second coming of whatever it's supposed to be the second coming of. It's a great low-budget British movie about kids defending their apartment building and learning stuff along the way. It's worth seeing. It's worth supporting. It's not going to give you an orgasm.

Crazy, Stupid, Love

Yah, I saw it. What's your point? It was good. It's a classic rom-com with likable actors and characters that never really go into stupid-dom like every other version of this genre in recent years. Yes, seriously - they seem to have rationale for what they do and don't lose their brain for 20 minutes while chasing after their gay friend who they've fallen in love with or whatever. There is one particularly over-the-top scene, but it's makes for big laughs. On top of all that, the characters have actual chemistry with one another. It helps that, again, the cast is made up of great actors. Would I buy it? Naw. Will I see it again? Probably not. Did I enjoy it? Obviously. If you've got a date lined up, take 'em to this.

Battle: Los Angeles

More brainless action. If you were expecting anything else from this movie than what it delivers, then you have no idea how to judge a movie from its trailer. Military + aliens = movie. Nothing new here. Plenty old here. There's Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, and a bunch of interchangeable actors in interchangeable roles. Things go boom, but not as many as you'd think. Again - want to blow some time without using your brain? Give it a shot.

Cooking With Stella

Canadian movie. Deepa Mehta co-wrote I think. Don McKellar and Lisa Ray as Canadians in India (Ray's a diplomat). Waste of time. Felt about an hour longer than it was, slow-paced, and completely misses its mark. Marketed wrong, but it seems to be TRYING at a classic British servants caper/farce placed in India. It doesn't work. There's scamming and crime and grifting and corruption of morals... but there's no sympathy for the characters or much in the way of the funny. Skip it. Not like you even knew it existed.

TIFF is coming up fast, and I'll once again half-ass my way through reviews, leaving a bunch sitting in the "drafts" folder, never to be seen. Luckily, no hockey musicals this year.

Oops, I did it again

2011-08-01T05:38:00.001-07:00

Be with me

This is a weird flick of four different love story vignettes. It's in Chinese. Don't do it.

Biutiful

I think I liked this movie. It's not what I thought it would be at all. Javier Bardem plays a single dad to two kids and then he is diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's also a criminal exploiting the illegal immigrants in Spain. He has to figure out how to provide for his kids after he dies and how to reconcile his bad deeds before he goes to hell, presumably. And then he kills a baby. Yikes. It's a deliberate, though not always linear movie...But good...I think. (I'm still more than a little terrified that Bardem will show up to my door talmabout "friendo.")

Cedar Rapids

Sigh. I had, not exactly high hopes, but hopes of some kind, for this movie. Instead, it ended up reconfirming the theory that me and my college roommates came up with decades ago about movies...if it can't even get to 90 minutes, it's going to suck. Sure enough, this movie about a button up insurance salesman who goes on a bender of crack, alcohol and adultery is not funny or sweet or even remotely interesting. I especially hated that we were supposed to be shocked that the black man speaks proper English and gardens -- but then it's hysterical when he goes all "gangta." Eyeroll. I expected better from this cast. Also...whoa, I wondered what happened to Anne Heche.

Country Strong

I keep forgetting to review this movie. Or forgetting if I did already. But just in case, ARRRGHH GOOD LORD THIS MOVIE SUCKED IT! Whoever told Gweneth Paltrow she could sing...oh wait, this line is sounding familiar, maybe I did review it already.

Cowboys vs. Aliens

Dear Super 8, please take note: THIS IS WHAT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOULD BE! See the title: Cowboys v. Aliens. Wanna know the plot? THERE ARE COWBOYS FIGHTING ALIENS! SEEE??? That's how that shit should work! Anyway, loved this flick. I clapped when Harrison Ford came on screen -- ever since that craptacular Indy sequel, I've been pissed at him. But he's back in awesome shape in this movie. I also played the "guess who's an alien game." I was 1 for 4, which is pretty good if you ask me! Plus, I got to yell out "TAKE THAT ALIEN"! And, honestly, isn't that really what summer blockbusters are about? No? It's not? Is that just for black people? #races

Exit through the giftshop

Documentary about grafitti artist Banksy and possible street art fraud "Mr. Brain Wash." If this were twitter, I'd slap a #whitepeopleproblems tag on this.

Dune

So how much money did George Lucas get when he sued David Lynch for this blatant Star Wars rip-off? Like really? Was it new mansion money? So, I'm apparently not allowed to say anything bad about this movie because it's a "classic." Instead, I will say you know what the hallmark of an amazing movie is? When every character needs to have a voiceover explaining what the hell they're doing and why because otherwise no one would have a clue. And such a movie further ascends to the pantheon of awesome cinema when on top of those voiceovers, they have an overarching narrator because it STILL doesn't make any sense. Yarf!

Vera drake

It took me six weeks to do it, but DAMMIT, I FINISHED THIS! I have no idea why the first hour and ten minutes exist, as an hour and ten minutes after the last half hour would have been infinitely more interesting, but I finished it! *slow clap*

Captain America

I took @VinNay to this movie for his birthday because he refused to watch Dune with me. We both fell asleep during the movie, though at different parts. This movie was fine, I guess. I just don't like the notion that "Captain America" won World War 2. America won World War 2. (Shut it. I will fight you.) Like, if they make some movie where Sam Jackson's eyepatch guy frees the slaves...um...actually, I might go see that... *whistles*

Harry Potter: Part 72 3D: The revenge of Voldemort's Hammer

This movie might be the best one in the series. I say "might" because it's been, what? Eight years? Who can remember! And I forshizzle ain't watching them again. This one might also be better than the book about the same events.

Transformers 3: Michael Bay,needs a hobby

Robots from outer space battle for Earth supremacy. Somehow, Shia Lebouef is an asset. Things go boom. Frequently.

True Grit
The Coen brothers tricked me! Tricked! This movie was okay. Kinda boring. Really predictable. And boring. I guess some dude kills this girl's dad, so she hires Jeff Bridges to track him down, but Matt Damon is already on his trail, so they go off on a "two scruffy men and a little lady" adventure. There's a bunch of shooting. But not the cool rapid fire kind.

The Company Men
This effing movie is such a bullshit, racist, sexist, craptacular piece of crap that I will punch Ben Affleck in the FACE ON SIGHT if I ever see him! Arrrgghhh. He gets laid off, but keeps his Porsche and golf club membership, and his wife, conveniently, goes back to work as a nurse. Then, his brother-in-law gives him a construction job. Then his old boss is fired and decides to open a new company, on some Pretty Woman "let's build ships together" tip, and he makes Affleck the head of it. Nevermind that all the women are either retarded or sleeping with men 40 years their senior or that the black guy is the best educated of the bunch and ends up working construction for free...wait, did I say nevermind? Correction. MIND!! Double mind! TRIPLE MIND! Right. In. The. Face.

Illusionist
This is a weird creepy cartoon about this wandering middle aged magician and a teenaged girl who decides to stow away with him. Uh huh. She's all "I want new shoes!" "I want a pretty dress!" "Get me that coat in the window!" And he has to get like three extra jobs to buy them for her while pretending he gets them by "magic." After a few years, she's now a young woman and takes up with the first dude to bat eyes at her through a window. So, then the magician is all "you know what? Fuck you, whore!" I may be paraphrasing. Also, there's no talking in the movie cause the magician speaks French or something and the girl doesn't. I said weird already, right?

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999 004: Round 1, Heat 3

2011-07-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Vote. It's Easy.

Up and to the right. Up and to the right. Up and to the right.

______________________________________________

Mia Wallace Division: Heat 2 Results

"The" Jesus Quntana 29, Jesus Shuttleworth 14

The Terminator 39, Bernie LaPlante 8

Annie Wilkes 24, Mona Lisa Vito 22

Colonel Nathan R. Jessup 25, Jack Skellington 23

______________________________________________

AND NOW

Clarice Starling Division - Round 1, Heat 3

______________________________________________

Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction

Well this is change - I have the top seed with Jules from Pulp Fiction. Granted, Red is no push-over, but a mild-mannered Morgan Freeman versus Samuel L. Jackson's defining role? The edge has to go with Jules.

I'm going to make an assumption here: no matter who you are, you are at least familiar with Pulp Fiction. It can be argued it was THE movie of the 90's. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you know some key moments -- Marcellus Wallace about to go medieval; The Wolf fixing the problem of the dead... guy... in the back seat; what will happen to every motherfucking last one of ya if any of you fucking pricks move; and just about everything that came out of Jules Winnfield's mouth. He quotes bible verse when bringing retribution, he is amused by the names for hamburgers in France's McDonald's, he enjoys a Big Kahuna Burger, you know which wallet is his, and he is more than capable of breaking your concentration.

Jules, like so many great characters is not only complex, but grows as we watch him. Our first real experience with him is discussing the eroticism of foot massages, immediately followed by him becoming the baddest motherfucker you've ever seen blowing away a group of minor-league thieves. The pontification that comes from him prior to the massacre is some of the most casually intimidating bad-assery ever captured on film. Then to cap it off, he dodges bullets without moving. This moment causes a spiritual awakening in the most feared hit man in Los Angeles. As the day progresses, we see that he is more than a cold-blooded assassin. He knows who his friends are, and when to contain his fury. Jimmie epically chews him out for bringing the car to his house, and Jules knows he deserves it, and takes it, when he could just tell Jimmie to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. He debates the merits of pork with his partner. He knows what the Wolf says goes without question. By the end, he's not only realized that he has had the meaning of his favorite quote turned around this entire time, but that he could still be the biggest bad-ass motherfucker you know while helping people, instead of limiting himself to crime. His juxtaposition with the nearly as erudite, yet blank-faced Vincent drives home the depth of possibly the most iconic characters of the 90's.

- Astin

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

Best film character? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it’s just a made up term. A hit man’s word, sonny. Young fellas like yourself can wear a black suit and a tie and kill some folks, and think you have a job. So now you come in and quote at me. Bible? You can save it, sonny. Old difference between you and me is I'm sitting below you. And you know it.

What do you really want to know? Am I sorry that the heart and soul of one of the decade's best movies went in the sixteenth round? The very last pick? There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I gotta face your silly jerri curled ass. Because you think I should. I look back on the way I was picked. Four young, stupid kids who couldn't see true quality until the very end. I want to talk to them. I want to try to talk some sense to them. Tell them the way things are. But I can’t. The draft's long gone and this old man’s all that’s left. Do you know my buddy Andy went first pick? First? I got to live with that. Best film character? Best? That’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and walk the earth, and let the people vote in the poll, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because, to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.
- Julius_Goat

______________________________________________

Dignan, Bottle Rocket

Back in 1994, Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson were making their first film. From the Jacques-Cousteau caps to the red jumpsuits to the retro casio keyboard music, all of Anderson's movies make audio and visual references to his childhood, which took place in America in the late 80s. Anderson is known for his careful storyboarding of scripts, so it's no accident that his films look like something else that would be familiar to a child of the 80s: comic books.

In his first film, Anderson had not yet completely developed his unique visual aesthetic, but his desire to capture things from his childhood was obvious. The film opens with Dignan (Owen Wilson) "rescuing" his friend Anthony (Luke Wilson) from a voluntary mental hospital. Anthony: Ah, whew. Well, see my friend Dignan didn’t realize that this was a voluntary hospital, and he got this whole escape thing worked out. And he just got so excited about the thing, I didn’t have the heart to tell him “no”…that uh…Look how excited he is. I gotta do it this way, Dr. Nichols. I gotta climb out. It’s only one floor down.

Throughout the movie, Anderson shows us a twenty-something boy who is struggling to adapt to the world of adult responsibility. Dignan refuses to give up on his childhood dreams, and you get the feeling that he was once reigned his neighborhood as king of fort-building and the game of cops and robbers. Here is a guy with grand plans, a guy whose meager landscaping job is only cover for his budding career as a master thief.

Growing up in the 80s in suburban America taught us how to be ambitious. Everybody wanted to grow up to be president, and if that wasn't your thing, then you wanted to be a professional athlete, a doctor, or a lawyer. As we grew up, these ambitions died or changed into something more pragmatic, and we lost sight of our childhood dreams.

Dignan didn't. Stuck in a suburb filled with characters who represent a life without passion, Dignan lives his dream of orchestrating a great robbery, even if that robbery takes place at "Hinckley Cold Storage." Dignan is the dreamer, the idealist, someone who follows his ridiculous dream despite the many pragmatic reasons that indicate he shouldn't.

Because he follows his passion and attempts to realize his dream, Dignan ends up in prison. But in the final scene, Dignan mocks himself for his failed ambition, suggesting that a passionate life ending in a jail sentence is better than a comfortable existence without dreams. Better to burn out than to fade away.

Dignan: Pause. Uh, we did it though, didn’t we?

Anthony: Yeah. All laugh. Yeah we did it all right.

Scene cuts to jail entrance. Anthony and Bob are walking with Dignan in a prison line. A fence separates Dignan and the prisoners from Anthony and Bob.

Dignan: Well, thank you for coming.

Anthony: It’s good seeing you.

Dignan: Looking around. Did you bring that grappling hook?

Bob: Grappling hook?

Dignan: Don’t worry about it. I think I may have found a way out of here.

Anthony: You’re kidding

Dignan: No, I’m not.

Anthony: How?

Dignan: Shhh! Wait for my instructions. When we go through the next gate, you will have 30 seconds to take out the tower guard.

Anthony: What?

Dignan: 30 seconds. Have the car running at the North West checkpoint. Bob and I are going to scale the barricade.

Bob: No, we’re not.

Dignan: And then we’re going to cut through to no man’s land, and Bob, remember, shield me from the bullets. They won’t shoot civilians. Are you ready?

Bob: Hold on, man.

Anthony: Wait a second, Dignan.

Dignan: Let’s go! Let’s go! Now! Now! Now! Changes tone to playful. Isn’t funny how you used to be in the nuthouse and now I’m in jail.

They all laugh. Dignan walks away into the distance.

Besides the movie's sophisticated intellectual message, Dignan is one of the funniest, most quotable movie characters of all time.

***

Anthony: Maybe we should've robbed your house. You ever think of that?

Dignan: You know there's nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!

***

Bob: Wha - why is there tape on your nose?

Dignan: Exactly!

***

Dignan: Why are you here right now? You're always at lunch at this time!

Workers: Not always.

Dignan: Yes! Always!

***

Kumar: Man, I blew it. I blew it, man.

Anthony: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?

Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.

Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?

***

Dignan was the first in a series of Anderson's unique characters that resonate long after the movie has ended. Without Dignan, we wouldn't have been able to fly kites with Max Fischer, roam the seas with Steve Zissou, or ride go-carts with Royal Tanenbaum. The existentialists insist that a life without passion isn't worth living, and Dignan is the prototype of the passionate-yet-misguided hero who is doomed to failure, but makes the lives of those surrounding him more exciting and fulfilling. Living with passion, on the edge, trying to achieve a goal that is seemingly impossible -- these are the characters that make for great heroes:

Dignan: Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!

So, come on! Listen to the voice of your inner dreamer and vote for Dignan.

PS. Derek Vinyard is a Nazi.

-HDouble

Derek Vinyard, American History X

Obviously, this isn't about likability. This may be (at least before the rather unbelievable turnaround) one of the five most despicable people in the tourney. But character? One of the most fascinating.

So come on, Dignan. Put your mouth on the curb.

- Julius_Goat

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Little Bill Daggett, Unforgiven

This was an odd pick for me. Unforgiven is one of my favorite movies (and Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite actors), but I picked Little Bill over William Munny deliberately because Gene Hackman puts on such a fabulous performance really showing the depth of this character. Which turns out is pretty shallow.

Little Bill is a lawman who proactively dispenses justice by force. His strategy is to beat down anyone who doesn't follow his rule. NO FIREARMS within city limits, and don't dare jaywalk either because Little Bill has a propensity for violence when deterring, well, violence. His methods are beautiful, and if he even thinks that you're a bad guy, before doing anything to prove your criminality, you're getting a beat down. It's also coming in front of as many people as possible because he wants to prove a point.

An ill-tempered man, "maybe you should hang the carpenter" may just be the line that gets you killed. However he does show restraint against the weak and stupid. He also shows zero hesitation or regret when meeting his own demise.

Little Bill is a man's man, living the way he does among the harsh western life where anyone can turn criminal in a blink of an eye. He controls his town, and as harsh as his methods are, the town accepts it to ensure their safety from outsiders.

Duck I says!

-Riggstad

Truman Burbank, The Truman Show

my teacher was a television

taught me how to talk and who to be

everything's an exhibition

everyone just acts like they're on tv

everyone is always pretending

acting like our lives are scripted

everyone wants a happy ending

paranoia conspiracy

today the spotlight hit me

voices on the radio

maybe i'm just going crazy

but I swear there's something I don't know

everyone is looking for money

their smiles look almost real

whatever makes you happy

but this lifestyle's not for me

and now I'm stuck in this movie

all money and product placement

who am I supposed to be

when something's not right you taste it

had enough of all of it

so I sit here in my basement

savor this isolation

find my way to my reality

why don't you all find your own way

I'm done playing the fool

make your own entertainment

I'm going and never coming back

In case I don't see you

good afternoon good evening and good night

-HDouble

______________________________________________

William Wallace, Braveheart

Here is my first round write up for Braveheart as I see it... It doesn't need much...

He's a bad ass who takes revenge on the death of his wife and then fights the good fight rallying an entire people to gain freedom.

He does it without regret or hesitation willing to do it by himself. He truly is a leader by example.

Jules (from Pulp Fiction) stole his wallet.

Deal with it...

-Riggstad

Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights

Your choice is pretty clear. You can go with the guy with the face makeup and the kilt, or you can go with the guy who can't wear a kilt without breaking most indecency laws. Poor Braveheart, he felt so inadequate he had them take out a few feet of intestine to try to compensate.

Dirk Diggler is a major star. William Wallace? Hell, even Rob Roy managed to get a drink named after him.

- Julius_Goat

JU-LIED

2011-07-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

See what I did there? July? Ju-lied? I am so great!

It's my birthday month! Are you all excited? Ready to shower me with praise and adoration? I am gearing up for daily parties and international cake eating. I'm looking at you, Toronto.

So yeah...here I am again. Listen. LIS-TEN! THINGS HAPPEN! Though not to me, apparently. I am somehow always watching movies. Stop staring. It's rude. Anyhoo...so I sorta kinda saw a bunch of movies! Want to hear about them?

Super 8

Okay, this one is kind of a funny story. Through no fault of its own, I thought Super 8 was going to be about superheroes and super powers -- I take that back, I thought that because of the NAME, so it's totally the movie's own fault! Anyway, I decided that since I was actually going OUT to the movies, I should do it properly. So I paid TWENTY dollars to see this flick in the IMAX theater. By the end, I. was. PISSED! In retrospect, this movie was fine for what it was, think more ET than Batman. The guy from Friday Night Lights is quite good as the worried, stern dad and the heavy child-actor cast did not make me want to vomit. That sister of the little blond girl might just be better than the blond girl herself. HOWEVER, at the time...I was maaaad that I had wasted $20 when there weren't even that many special effects scenes. I could have seen this movie three months from now, on my flatscreen and been perfectly happy. So, in protest, I walked across the movie theater hall to see...

X-Men: First Class

Now, I was almost super mad at this movie too, because it starts off very cerebrally without much stuff flying around. But it turns around about forty minutes in and becomes a fairly kick ass, ass kicking movie. I'm not a comic geek, so I don't have much to say about adherence to the real origin stories, but I did love the first two X-men movies and this was a GREAT prequel. I also highly dug the cameos from Wolverine and John Stamos' ex-wife! Two thumbs up. However, this still meant that I had paid $10 for Super 8. I found that distateful, so I went to see my boyfriend in my head, Ryan Reynolds, in...

Green Lantern: 3D

Sneaking into a 3D movie is not without its challenges. Needless to say, I overcame them...happily I LOVED this movie! I thought the 3D parts actually made sense (unlike most totally unnecessary 3D fare.) I liked the alien spaceship guy and of course, Ryan Reynolds was practically perfect in every way. Heck, I didn't even hate Serena from Gossip Girl, even though she was throwing herself at my boyfriend - how embarrasing for her. I liked the storyline. The mad scientist part was kinda sad, he just wanted a little love, was that so wrong... but I don't really see how they do a sequel. A TV show maybe...or like a live action play that Ryan Reynolds will perform in my house every day...*whistles*

Pirates of the Caribbean 4

Okay, now I felt completely justified seeing this movie for free because the last Pirates of the Carribean was just SO bloody awful and I felt the franchise owed me. This movie was not horrible, in fact, I rather enjoyed some parts of it...though, holy crap it was long! And for the life of me, I cannot remember what happens to the mermaid or that christian man... anyway, it was fine. Of course, I had now spent something like 12 hours staring at giant movie screens. I was starving, dehydrated and had a severe headache. So, I went home and watched...

Mao's Last Dancer

The trailer for this movie made it seem more arty than it actually was. It told a surprisingly linear story of a Chinese dancer who was reluctantly loaned out by the communist regime to spend a summer dancing with a texas troupe. It then disappointingly gets very formulaic with him falling in love and marrying the first american girl to smile at him. He clashes with his government about going back blah blah blah. There weren't even any horrible consequences. Also, I'm pretty sure he wasn't actually Mao's last dancer. Lame.

The Hit List

Man, once again, Cuba Gooding Jr. sucks me in with a delightful premise of a man, who is down on his luck and having the worst day of all time, running into a disillusioned hitman who promises to eliminate the guy's enemies for him. The guy doesn't take it seriously and writes down five names. But when they start dying off...dun dun dun. Awesome, right? Wrong! Cuba Gooding juniors all over it and all that's left is a sucktacular mess!

The Good German

It took about seven hours to see this movie one Sunday. I put it in, fell asleep twenty minutes through. I woke up, started it over, fell asleep 24 minutes in. Decided not to start over, fell asleep twenty minutes after that. And so on, till I was well rested and had sorta pieced together that Cate Blanchett was some kind of race traitor in this horrible knock off of Casablanca. And I think George Clooney was in it...but that might just have been an awesome dream.

Shallow Grave

Alceste not only *recommended* this flick to me; he loaned it to me because he OWNS it. O_o Yeah, I have to fight him now. With fists. This piece of crap is a so-called morality tale about four friends who take in a boarder. The man dies and they discover he was hiding a suitcase of money. Instead of calling the police to collect the body, they devise an elaborately ridiculous scheme to hide the body so they can keep the money. And everything that happens after that moronic decision is, predictably, equally moronic. Ugh. WITH FISTS, ALCESTE!

Another Year

This movie ranks up there with Black Swan and Catfish as one of the best movies I've seen. It's haunting, depressing, cute, touching, funny, depressing...oh, did I say depressing already? Basically, it follows a couple and their friends and family for one year. One character, who believes her whole life will change if she could only get a car, will just about break your heart. Poor thing. Great movie.

Happy-Go-Lucky

I gave Another Year so many stars that Netflix felt that I would definitely totally love this movie about a happy go lucky woman who has to learn to drive after her bike is stolen. I must now fight Netflix with my fists. Bleeecchhh.

School of Life stars Ryan Reynolds as a teacher with some kind of terminal blood disease that inspires him to approach teaching his middle schoolers with that Robin Williams "seize the day" spirit. This upsets the conservative headmaster's son teacher and he sets out to destroy Ryan and his life seizing ways...until he learns the tragic truth. You'll laugh, you'll cry...no, actually you won't do any of those things. This movie is bad. On the plus side, you do get to watch Ryan Reynolds.

A summer in Genoa

The previews for this movie about a mom who dies, leaving behind her husband and young daughters, intrigued me. It wasn't clear where they were going with it. Does the mom's ghost come back or does the family just move to Italy and start over. After seeing the movie I'm still not sure. Blah. It did make me want to go to Italy though!

Inside Job

A documentary about the 2008 financial meltdown. Like all good documentaries to raises up the hackles and angries up the blood! I want prison sentences and I need the President to explain to me why these people are still working in his administration as financial advisors?! I demand answers! But then the movie ended and I forgot. But now I remember again! ANSWERS!

Get Low

Yet another movie with an expert trailer. The story of a dude who decides to throw his funeral before he dies so that everyone in the town can tell a story about him, seemed like something I would enjoy. But instead of committing to that premise, the movie changes into a sentimental story about regret and a quest for forgiveness. Boo. I wanted the movie where all the townspeople roast this old dude.

Multiple Sarcasms

One of those "married man has female best friend and then half way through the movie realizes he's been in love with his best friend the whole time and then tells her one drunken night" movies. Those movies can be good, if done properly. This one isn't cause it isn't. Boo. Also, why is Stockard Channing in this? Why?

Double Take

A faux documentary about Alfred Hitchcock having dinner with himself from the future. And about Hitchcock's real life double...it's weird and eery, and it intersperses lots of stuff about the cold war. Honestly, I still don't know what I think about it...the meeting yourself from the future part is fascinating and being a celebrity doppleganger sounds cool...I dunno. It's weird. But short. So there's that.

Did Pixar make a bad movie?

2011-06-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest. I was not looking forward to seeing "Cars II" as much as I had the last few Pixar movies. And it broke my heart.
As I grow into an increasingly cynical guy about to turn 40, Pixar was one of the few things that kept me believing. If you are cynical, or even struggling against it, like me, it's hard to like the movie business. There's Michael Bay, reboots, remakes, unoriginal ideas, Twilight movies, sequels and increasingly bad horror movies that believe buckets of blood can make up for a bag of twists.
But then there was Pixar, and in the summer, no less, when most of the sludge was served to us in a trough full of special effects and inane dialogue, we got brilliance. We got terrific storytelling, great characters and heartfelt, honest moments. I cried away my cynicism at the end of "Wall-E," "Up" and "Toy Story 3." In fact, I thought those three movies were some of the best movies I'd seen, and "Toy Story 3" was my favorite movie last year.
And what was even better was EVERYONE went to see them. Pixar is one of the few great success stories, a wonderful product that is actually endorsed by the public. That combination is rarer than you think. For every Adele, there's two Katy Perrys.
It got to the point where I believed Pixar was incapable of making a bad movie. It made me believe. Going to the new Pixar movie is a summer tradition, like running a 4th of July race.
Alas. Brilliant white light eventually dims. Maybe that's the lesson of "Cars II."
I just got back from the theater, and I'm trying, really hard, not to bash the crap out of it. I mean, Rolling Stone's Peter Travers, who is not only my favorite movie writer but a guy I agree with more than anyone else, gave it three-and-a-half stars, and one thing I love about him is he always forms his own opinion, rather than jump on the back of other reviewers and reheat what everyone's saying. So he saw that same brilliance that we all saw in "Wall-E."
What Travers does is impressive because it's HARD not to let the buzz influence our opinions of something. Word of mouth is the most powerful advertising in the entertainment business. That's how movies like "Little Miss Sunshine" become smash hits. And I had not heard many good things about "Cars II."
I honestly wondered if reviewers were either falling for the new story, i.e. Pixar Made A Sucky Movie! or ready to knock Pixar off its perch. We love it when greatness falters because, well, it brings it back to our levels. When something is THAT great, all the time, well, you begin to wonder why YOU can't be great all the time, and let's face it, that's an uncomfortable feeling, and we Americans, more than anything else, like that comfortable feeling of feeling good about ourselves.
So I went in with an open mind. I'm still trying to keep it. I owe Pixar that much, at least.
(Actually, I have repaid Pixar for its greatness and inspiration in thousands spent on the company's annoying merchandise. It's inevitable when you have three small children and the characters are so very, cheek-pinching cute. Ironically, "Cars" was by far the most criminal at this. McQueen is printed on T-shirts, bedsheets, underwear, frosted cookies, a dumpyard of toys, swimsuits, floaties, kickboards, countless food items, watches, CDs, DVDs and I don't have all day to list the rest. And that's just in our house. I would not be stunned to find Cars on tampons).
So here's my quickie: The movie isn't really all that bad. It doesn't hold up to the past movies. It's probably the worst Pixar movie ever, save for "A Bugs Life," which I had wiped from my memory with one of them Total Recall machines. In fact it almost doesn't deserve to carry the label.
But it's not "Hop," not by a longshot. It's even better than some reasonably cute kids movies I've seen in the last six months, like "Rio" or "Megamind." Part of the problem of being Pixar is the movies are almost TOO good. People think "Led Zeppelin III" is a bad album for the same reason.
In fact, I walked out of the movie, and Jayden, my 6 year old son, was grinning ear to ear. Did you like it, we asked him, and he nodded.
OK then.
No, what worries me more is "Cars II" honestly seemed far more like a normal movie than I've ever seen from Pixar. In other words, it was a sequel, and it didn't seem all that imaginative or well-thought-out or even planned in any way. It seemed like a summer movie that featured friendly, well-known characters, lots of cool special effects (the movie does LOOK incredible), an easy, wild, plot and lots of explosions (!!!).
Sequels aren't always bad. Remember what I said about "Toy Story 3"? (And "Toy Story 2" was just as good). And neither are fun summer movies. Hey, I loved "Speed." I loved "The Dark Knight." I loved "Inception."
Instead, "Cars II" honestly was the kind of movie that made me so cynical about movies. And it didn't seem like a simple misstep. John Lasseter, the head of Pixar and one of my top three people I'd kill cute, fluffy bunnies to invite for dinner, co-directed it. Yikes. And what's even worse, before "Cars II," Pixar showed a "Toy Story" short. I love the shorts as much as the movies. They are when Pixar seems to stretch its considerable creative limits even further. They are imaginative and brilliant and everything the movie business is mostly not. But this movie was something Pixar can find in its office trashcans. I'd be surprised if it took more thought than a working lunch over Burger King.
The fact that Pixar made both scares me to death. I need magic in my life. I suppose I can't have it all the time. But I live in a world where it's drying up. If I can't count on Pixar once a year, well, maybe I'll just have to join the crowd who believes Katy Perry is actually good.

Hi guys! You can also find this at pokingandoeaking.blogspot.com.

At the End of the Road

2011-06-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

I must start with a bit of breaking news from the Summersverse...I just canceled
my blockbuster subscription.

The company has been recently acquired by Dish Network or something and for the last five weeks have not gotten in any new movies... or most accurately, have not sent me any new movies, as you'll shortly see in my movie reviews. So, the long and the short of it (Did I get that saying right? Hell does that mean??) is that I'll have an extra $25 a month and this is probably my last lengthy movie reviews post unless and until I'm all unemployed again. Or Netflix finally brings streaming to the Droid X. I know you're all sad. Shut up! You'll miss me! #Rude

I wish I could say I'll be going out with a bang here, alas...

Funny Face

First off, I thought this movie was Funny Girl with Barbra Streisand. It's not.
It's Funny *FACE* with that Audrey Hepburn lady from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
It's TERRRRRRIIIBBLLLEEEE. It's a musical, but she can't sing. It's about "funny looking girls," but she's not funny looking. It's a love story with a romantic lead old enough to be her grandpa! BOO! LAME! EWWW!! Oh, and it's Gene Kelly dancing, which should be awesome, but he's like 300 years old in the movie and I spend all his dance solos terrified that he's going to break a hip. NO. BUENO.

Meet Me in St. Louis

The best part of this movie is in the first ten minutes, where the little girl
is talking about how much she loves St. Louis (she's like 5) and she says "It's
my favorite city! Wasn't I lucky to be born in my favorite city?" I laughed so hard! THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT BROOKLYN! Except it's not ridiculous for me to say
that because I'm a grown-up. And I'm well traveled! Anyway, it's a musical, but
not a really good one. I didn't leave my couch singing any of the songs, though I did recognize a couple of them. Acting is predictably hammy, as was the way in
the olden times of Judy Garland movies.

Finder's Fee

So, a couple of months ago I decided to go all in on Ryan Reynolds. When I go all in, I go ALL IN. So here we are. This is a "Jeff Probst" production (head desk) about a guy who finds a wallet. Turns out that inside the wallet is THAT NIGHT'S WINNING LOTTO TICKET! OMG! (Seriously, worst scene ever. The lotto ticket is only three numbers, but the camera keeps going back and forth between the TV screen of the winning numbers and the ticket like it was the White House nuclear codes. AND THEN the guy takes a pencil to double check AGAIN. I'm like 8 23 91, MORON! IT'S THREE NUMBERS!) Anyway, he had called up the lost wallet guy before he realized the 6 million dollar ticket was in there, the guy comes and then the cops lock down their building so the old man has to stay and tell his sob story as the guy feels guilt about taking the ticket. Think a beating heart beneath the floorboards. Except much much much worse. Not even Ryan Reynolds could save this. There is some really bad poker in it.

Foolproof

Yet another Ryan Reynolds flick from the way back machine. He and his friends plan a faux jewelry heist, but their plans are stolen by a Mafia big wig and carried out. He then blackmails them with the threat of telling the cops they did it unless they help him carry out the heist he really wants to work on. They agree. It's bad, but not terrible. And I like Ryan Reynolds in this. I also like saying Ryan Reynolds. I also now believe that typing is speaking. Moving on.

Catfish

Okay. Wow. WOW WOW! This and Black Swan are the best movies I've seen all year. Catfish is a documentary about a New York City photographer's relationship with a family in the Midwest. People have questioned whether it's real or if it's like that Joaquin Phoenix fauxmentary thing. I can understand the skepticism because the whole thing is so brilliant you can't believe it's true. It held particular fascination for me because I do live so much of my life online (so much so I think typing is speaking.) But this flick made me seriously consider deleting my facebook account. So good!

Somewhere

This movie, like all movies directed by Sophia Coppola, makes me long for the
days when she was an actress. Oh yeah, I said it. Sophia the actress >>>>>>
Sophia the Director. AND SHE SUCKED AS AN ACTRESS! So here's Somewhere: Opening
scene: Guy driving his Beamer around a racetrack three times. Closing scene:
Guy driving his Beamer down the LA Freeway. Get it? GET IT?? First he was going
nowhere BUT NOWWWWWWW he's...going....SOMEWHERE! Kill me.

Rabbit hole

This movie is weird. It's about a couple who loses their four-year-old son to a
car accident. The husband wants to go to group therapy; the wife doesn't. So the
husband smokes pot with a lady from group and the wife has playdates with the teenager who drove the car that killed her son. And there's a mother and a pregnant sister. I dunno. It's not the worst, but...yeah.

The Rite

This movie is what can only be described as "Catholic Porn." Anthony Hopkins is a priest who does exorcisms and an unbeliever seminary student from America is assigned to shadow him. Of course, the student thinks the old man is faking the exorcisms, but then when the old man himself becomes possessed it will be up to the young man to find his faith and vanquish the demon! "I believe in the devil, so I BELIEVE IN GOD!" Cheesy, sure. Effective, hell yes. My ass was in church the next morning for the first time this year. Also, I didn't just say hell. And I definitely didn't say it two times.

I love you Phillip Morris

I rented this movie from the store in a predominately Italian-American neighborhood in Brooklyn. I was wearing a Patriots T-shirt and the clerk goes "Tom Brady can lick my balls." Um...and then, a few seconds later, as he takes the movies from my arms, he goes "You don't want to watch this movie," he says holding up the box, with Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor on the front, by its edges lest he catch the AIDS "It's all faggy homo stuff. Disgusting." Now, there are a hundred and one clever responses to both these statements that I have since come up with, but at the time what I said was "That's okay. I'll still take it." Sure enough, the movie is a romantic comedy about two inmates who meet in prison. It's also part that movie with Leo DiCaprio where he steals a pilot's uniform and is walking through the airport with a bunch of stewardesses even though he's like a teenager. (Oh, you guys are so gonna miss these reviews, aren't you?! AREN'T YOU?) Jim Carrey is pretty good in this. So is Ewan. I liked it, but I have to admit, if this movie were about a man and a woman, I would have thought it was cheesy. So, it might just be my impulse to not be heterosexist that makes me like it. You know, like how white people give Academy Award nominations to crap like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Amistad just not seem racisty.

Gulliver's Travels

I rented this movie because Donna Noble from Doctor Who is in it. She's not even really in it all that much. It's mostly a bromance between Jack Black and Marshall from How I met your mother. It's okay. Some cool effects. But you so see the end coming a mile away. Amanda Peete also didn't shine at all and I usually love her! Meh.

Gnomeo and Juliet

Um. Yeah. I rented a movie called Gnomeo and Juliet. And now I'm putting that in writing and publishing it. With my name on it. Um. Yeah. So what can I say? It's about garden gnomes. Rival garden gnomes. Who fall in love. And...did I say that they were garden gnomes? Why am I still typing?! Little kids might like it though. And I can't wait for them to get to junior high school and be all "hey, this play is just like that cartoon I saw with the garden gnomes!"

The Dilemma

Vince Vaughn discovers his best friend's wife is having an affair. When I saw the trailers I thought there would be some twist like...it was really the wife's cousin or the wife had a twin sister. But no. It is exactly what it says it is. The rest runs very predictably through the bromance formula which has become so popular. Yawn. Queen Latifah is extra weird in this movie. Like extra. Weird. Oh, but it has some hockey in it! What? Hockey is cool.

The Roommate

This movie stars Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girls and Lila from Friday Night Lights. I watched it with my friend F-train, who was visiting from Las Vegas. He did not enjoy it. His comment "oh, these people have TV shows? So they're not desperate enough to have to do nudity." He was right. There was no nudity. (The next day we were watching The Good Wife and his only remark was "wait, rewind the lesbian sex scene! I can't believe they can show this on network TV!) Anyway, The Roommate is a psychological thriller in the vein of "Single White Female." But it was neither psychological... nor thrilling. I liked Blair in it though. She did a good psycho chick.

No Strings Attached

Ugh. Okay, so this movie sucked, which you totally expect from an Ashton Kutcher
movie, right? BUT THEN it has NATALIE PORTMAN in it! I was TRICKED I TELL YA!
TRICKED! Why is she in THIS??? WHYY?? She's got Star Wars money, man! I want my 101 minutes of my life back! Eh...who am I kidding, I woulda just wasted them. But dude, this movie was AWFUL. It's a "romantic" "comedy" about a girl doctor and a man writer who decide to just hook up all the time, but then they fall in love. And then you vomit.

The Mechanic (2011)

I also saw this movie with F-train. In my defense, I planned to spare him my Sunday night movie watching ritual, but the first five minutes of this movie was SO AWESOME that I thought I was doing him a favor by letting him watch it with me. Unfortunately, there were like 100 not so awesome minutes which followed the first five and um...no bueno. Why did I then make him watch the roommate? Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I say!

The Trial (2010)

This movie stars Matthew Modine. I do not know why I know who he is. I avoided this movie about a wrongfully arrested teen who is paired up with a lawyer whose whole family was just killed in a car crash, FOREVER. It was literally the last movie left on that wall that I hadn't seen, so I just rented it. It was SO BAD. It's was like a Tyler Perry movie with white people. Just ham handed morality tale, obvious plot twists and awful awful awful dialogue and plot points. Blech.

Greenberg (2010)

Ben Stiller's latest pretentious crapfest is...pretentious and crappy! Huzzah! I
actually didn't mind it because it met my expectations exactly. Skip. Skip.
Skip. Oh what's it about? A 40-year-old man moves in with his brother after having a mental breakdown and starts up a relationship with the nanny. And then, he takes her to her abortion. Well, not hers, her fetus'. Touching.

The Romantics (2010)

This movie stars every B list actor you can name. I watched it with my six week old nephew. He cried, screamed, spit up and pooped his pants twice. And then he fell asleep. Personally, I thought that was generous. It's about a "Friends-like" group of six friends who have all dated each other and they are gathering for the wedding of the last pair, but the man is really still in love with one of the other girls and then they quote terrible poetry and then it rains. Or something. AWFUL!

Just Friends

More Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds! Um...here, he is in love with his best friend, but she has a boyfriend. He decides to proclaim his love anyway, but his note is intercepted by the high school bully and read aloud. In shame, he flees his town never to return until he is a hot, successful bigshot producer. Turns out his crush still lives with her parents in town and he sets out to woo her. But he's an asshole now. It's an okay movie. There is hockey in it. Which is weird for a movie starring only American actors. Hush.

Buy the Cow

Oh man. The things I watch for Ryan Reynolds. I swear, Ryan Reynolds himself probably hasn't seen this movie. There is five long minutes of totally nude Ryan Reynolds in this. And then there's a plot of some kind involving women as cows.

Back to School

Vinnay recommended this movie in that "how could you have never seen" tone of voice. When in actuality, I coulda lived my whole long perfectly fulfilled life without ever having seen a Rodney Dangerfield movie. Alas, this wasn't the worst. There were some funny lines. The football team at my high school, now they were tough! After they sack the quarterback, they go after his family! But it was just an hour and a half of Rodney standup.

Blade: the Trinity
Ryan Reynolds FIGHTS VAMPIRES! Listen. I wasn't fucking around here. All Ryan Reynolds EVERYTHING! He totally saves this otherwise wretched film. I mean, he doesn't make it good, but he makes it so you aren't rooting for the vampires to kill everybody. You root for them to kill everybody except Ryan Reynolds.

The In-laws

You know who plays the groom in this awful terrible "comedy," about a spy's son marrying a dentist's daughter? Ryan Reynolds. Again, he's great. Everyone else? Horrid. He doesn't save the movie though. It's unwatchable, no getting around it.

The Green Hornet
I THOUGHT RYAN REYNOLDS WAS IN THIS! ARRRRGHGGGHHHH. *smashes a lamp* Anyway, there are 24 great minutes in this movie. Unfortunately, they're spread out randomly through the rest of this (inexplicably) 135 minute mess. I don't know who told that guy from Knocked Up that he was a leading man who could anchor a movie like this, but THAT GUY should be hired by the US Government to handle future negotiations with China about our debt. He'll SO convince them that we paid already. "What?! You didn't get the check? This is ridiculous! What's your address again?!"

Casino Jack
This movie stars Kevin Spacey and that "I'm not lying" guy from SNL. You know, Chanukah Harry... I so just dated myself. Um... movie is okay, the documentary I saw last month was way better.

Van Wilder: Van Gone Wilder

Heeyy, it's another Ryan Reynolds movie! What're the odds?! Actually, I all kinds of loved this movie about a seven year undergrad who finally has to get it together to graduate. I actually saw this right after Back to School. They are kind of alike, but Van Wilder is actually funny. Except for the racist "they have to fly in an Indian girl for Kumar to get a girlfriend" part.

And that's a wrap! It's been a wild four years, Blockbuster. But it's time that we part ways. I need to do other things... Like figure out how to beat Kearns at Kinect Sports. Peace.

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999 004: Round 1, Heat 2

2011-05-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Vote. It's Easy.

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Heat 1 Results

Morpheus 28, John Malkovitch 8

Ghost Dog 15, Trent "Double Down" Walker 19

Captain John Miller 25, Barton Fink 11

Andy Dufresne 29, Will Hunting 7

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Mia Wallace Division - Heat 2

The Jesus, The Big Lebowski

This is very much like The Highlander. There can only be one Jesus in this tournament. I don't think I'm being over-confident when I say we all know which character named "Jesus" from the 90s is more memorable, so I'll save my big argument for closer competitions down the road. If Mr. Quintana can't win here, there wasn't much hope of his besting some of the truly memorable characters he'll meet in future rounds, anyway.

So I'll just leave you with this animated GIF

- Julius_Goat

Jesus Shuttleworth, He Got Game

Man, what a tough draw. Up against the Jesus? I don't know how I could vote against the guy.

But I will give this my best shot... I mean the guy is a purple-suit-and-hair-net-wearing-pederast-with-a-long-pinkie-fingernail. Strangely, Turturro plays a college coach in "He Got Game," and he shares a scene with Ray Allen:

Category: Nickname
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Basketball Jesus
Jesus Quintana: "The Jesus"
Verdict: Ok, so we've got a guy named after Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, one of the most beloved street ball players of all time, and a guy who immortalized himself in cult movie history with the quote: "Nobody Fucks with the Jesus!"

Jake Shuttlesworth: "My all-time favorite ballplayer was Earl Monroe.
Earl the Pearl. Yeah, he was nice. See, everybody remember him from the Knicks,
you know, when he helped win that second championship. I'm talking about when he was with the Bullets down at Winston-Salem Stadium...
before that game, with points a game the whole season.
. ...
the whole season.
But the Knicks, they put the shackles on him, man, you know, on his whole game.
They locked him up, like in a straitjacket or something.
When he was in the streets of Philly, the playgrounds, [ Grunting ]
he was like-- [ Laughing ]
- You know what they called him? - What?
Jesus. That's what they called him-- Jesus. 'Cause he was the truth.
Then the white media got a hold of it. Then they got to call him Black Jesus.
He can't just be Jesus. He got to be Black Jesus.
You know, but still... he was the truth.
So that's the real reason why you got your name.
You named me Jesus after Earl Monroe, and not Jesus in the Bible?
Not Jesus of the Bible, Jesus of North Philadelphia.
Jesus of the playgrounds. That's the truth, son.
The way he dished, the way he, you know, he spinned.
You know how you do, coming off and all that. Taw"

Despite the great Spike Lee lines delivered by Denzel, I have to give this to the pederast.

1-0 Quintana.

Category: Job
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Basketball Player
Jesus Quintana: Unemployed
Verdict: All I'll say here is that I wish I played in the NBA.

1-1.

Category: Best Line
Jesus Shuttlesworth: "Basketball is like poetry in motion, cross the guy to the left, take him back to the right, he's fallin' back, then just J right in his face. Then you look at him and say, "What?""
Jesus Quintana: "You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus!"
Verdict: Again, Spike's lines go down against the mighty pen of the Coen brothers.

2-1 Quintana.

Category: Theme Music

Jesus Shuttlesworth: "He Got Game" by Public Enemy
Jesus Quintana: "Hotel California", Spanish Version, by the Gipsy Kings

Verdict: This is a tough one. I really love the the Gipsy Kings version of the Eagles horrible classic. But Chuck D came up with great lyrics over the Stephen Stills riff from "Something's Happening," and I have to give this one to Shuttlesworth due to originality.

Nothing to lose
Everythings approved
People used
Even murders excused
White men in suits
Don't have to jump

Tied up at 2-2.

Category: Clothing
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Outfit by Nike
Jesus Quintana: Purple bowling jumpsuit

3-2 Quintana. Let's just move on.

Category: Signature move
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Dunking on Denzel Washington.
Jesus Quintana: After bowling a strike, Jesus performs a little dance on the lane that can only be appreciated by watching it:

Ok, the Coens make Jesus's strike pretty impressive, but Ray Allen's dunks during his match with Denzel are pretty sweet. I definitely could bowl a strike but I can't throw down reverse jams against Denzel.

Point to Shuttlesworth. 3-3 in a close call.

Category: History
Jesus Shuttlesworth: All-American
Jesus Quintana: Pederast

8 year olds, dude.

4-3 Shuttlesworth.

I feel I'm up against Johnny Cochran here, and my poor defendant is going to the chair no matter how good my argument is. It's going to be difficult to vote against one of the most memorable characters in the Coen brothers' profilic library of original personalities. But hey, at least I've got Basketball Jesus ahead on my scorecard.

-HDouble

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The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day

The beauty of this character is his transition from bad guy in part I to savior in part II. It really puts the “like” factor of this character into a relm of unexpectedness. It’s nice to witness such an almost unbeatable villain finally come back and actually be on your side. The shock and eventual relief that little John Connors shows in the hall way of that mall after realizing that the bad guy was actually on his side resonated throughout the viewers and all adrenaline levels shot up knowing that you now have said badass on our side. Cause that what it was… Our side. Not John’s, not Sarah’s.. . Ours.

The Terminators growth throughout the movie was almost a little campy, you know… feelings, emotions, caring… but he still got the job done with always the most vicious and creative displays of violence as possible, and never failed to disappoint by dispatching of the bad guys, over and over and over again. Something to be said about persistence. Terminator II rocks. A’sta La Vista Baby.

-Riggstad

Bernie LaPlante, Hero

A tough matchup for me here.

I debated a long and extremely subtle joke involving the Terminator's housekeeper, but I was never good at that type of humor.

I don't know what anybody could write that would convince somebody to vote for a cynical Dustin Hoffman character against Arnold in one of his best performances. Does it help that Mariah Carey's most famous song was written for this movie?

The truth is, I picked Bernie Laplante late in the draft because I thought it would be interesting to see if:

1. anyone would vote for him and liked this movie as much as I did

2. I could persuade some people to see the film.

So what is so special about Bernie? Nothing really - he's the everyman who is able to act heroically when the situation arises. He's the "unknown hero," symbolizing all the heroic people out there doing good whenever they can. A hero who doesn't even think about what the word means (until he figures out that he can get a million bucks for his heroism).

But honestly, now that I'm trying to figure out what to write about Bernie Laplante, I can't come up with anything spectacular enough to defeat Arnold in Terminator 2. Terminator 2. We'll forget the fact that the original character was a relentless killer and featured young Arnold who embodied the word "fierce," and that the second version, who actually protects the hero and becomes a "good guy." Seems like a character from Wrestling... anyway, Bernie Laplante was a good reluctant hero who shows the value of living a good life -- robots who use time machines to fight other robots somehow seem less heroic, but I'm definitely biased towards humans. But maybe my guy has a shot against a watered-down version of the character from the original film in 1984.

BERNIE
What wouldja say if I toldja I ran
into a burning plane an' saved a
buncha people, Chick, an' risked
my goddamnlife?

CHICK
You mean like Bubber? The hero?

BERNIE
Yeah, like that. Same thing.

CHICK
Well... I mean... what am I supposed
to say here, Bern? Is this a riddle
or what?

BERNIE
I mean, if I said it, wouldja
believe me?
(then...)
Ya wouldn't, would ya?

CHICK
It's a character thing, Bernie.
I mean, you wouldn't do it. No
offense. Me neither. I mean, a guy
like Bubber, he's a certain kinda
guy. Heroic. You and me, we're
not... heroic. It's not our nature.
It don't mean we're bad or nothing.
We're just not so inclined. What
about it?

BERNIE
Nothin'.

-HDouble

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Mona Lisa Vito, My Cousin Vinny

Forget about the fact that Marisa Tomei is a top five hottest chic on the planet. Forget that she won an Oscar for her performance. The gal nailed this role and made this movie. Her dedication to her man, her unbelievable background, which she makes very believable to the audience in her portrayal, and her overall cuteness factor makes her one of the best characters of the 90’s hands down. The writers did a fabulous job tying her skills into winning the case. Marisa playing this character was hands down her best role of her career. I kinda liked when she got all naked in When the Devil Knows You’re Dead, but that’s just cause she goes full frontal.

What makes this role perfect is her stubbornness, her badassedness, and yet her ability to show that she’s still a woman. Her frustration for wanting to be married, have a child, and taking matters into her own hands so that her man can finish the job to obtain what SHE wants.

Overall, she is a fun, interesting character that helps defines the movies main character. Without her, he doesn’t play out so well.

-Riggstad

Annie Bates, Misery

This seems cruel. Not only do we have the previously-pointed-out paucity of female characters in our list, but one of them has to go in the first round.

And not only that, but do you realize that only eight of all 64 of these characters are Oscar winners for their roles? Do you realize that not only is this the only matchup between two women in the first round, it's also the only matchup between two Oscar winning roles? It could be argued that this is the most competitive match in the whole sheebang, at least until we get to the later levels.

Here's the thing. Mona Lisa Vito may be a hot mama, and very funny, but she's going to be neither pretty soon. Because Annie Wilkes is going to ride right over her cockadoodie dirty birdy skirt with a rider mower and then bury a sledgehammer between her eyes.

Annie Wilkes -- Arguably the purest cinematic characterization of a Stephen King creation.

Annie Wilkes -- For those moments when she goes from exuberant to dead-eyed, vacant, truly terrifying.

Annie Wilkes -- One of the most iconic names in cinematic thrillers.

You're thinking about voting for Mona. But you'll vote for Annie. You'll do it because you're scared not to.

- Julius_Goat

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Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, A Few Good Men

You have that luxury… you have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiagos death, while tragic probably SAVED LIVES. And my existence, which is grotesque, and incomprehensible to you, SAVES LIVES. Deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you WANT me on that wall… you NEED me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a lifetime spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a person who rises and sleeps under the very blanket of freedom which I provide, and then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just say Thank You, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. EITHER WAY, I don’t give a GODDAMN… WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!

I didn’t even recount the most famous of lines, or most commercial I should say, which is of course, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Nor did I recount the funniest… “Tom, get me the president, we’re surrendering our position here in Cuba”… Or how about,” What I want is for you to stand there in your faggety white uniform, and with your Harvard mouth, extend me some fucking courtesy”.

No, don’t really need to. The beauty of this character, so eloquently portrayed by one the most talented and revered actors of our time, is how he convinces the viewer of how terrifying a man he really is, and at the same time how necessary he is. Not because he is inhuman, but because it is his JOB. His total disregard for one human life, or several, in order to do his job, which is to save thousand as he sees it, is evident in his stance as a Marine. The fact is, men like this (ok, women too you liberal feminist fags), NEED to exist. Jack shows why and more importantly HOW, with his portrayal of Colonel Nathan R Jessup. (insert cheap shot at competing writer) Leave it up to a Canadian to not understand that. After all, what do they ever need to defend. A country? BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..

OK, kidding about the Canadian thing… I think… As a movie character, aside from the fantastic acting, the writers make this character. Jack is nothing more than a talented vessel. The writers really try to show the horror of this maniacal, egotistical narcissist who in the end makes you believe that his existence, although grotesque, and incomprehensible to you, really does need to exist. See a sane person knows that it is necessary. A liberal, humanist can keep their head in the sand until another tower falls I guess.

-Riggstad

Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas vs Jack Nicholson. Yah, I know it says "Col. Nathan R. Jessup", but let's be honest here - did ANY of you remember that was his name? No. He's "Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men." A middling movie remembered for ONE line. The character isn't memorable, the scenery chewing from one of the greatest actors of the 20th century is. But we aren't here to debate actors or their best quotes. No, we're here to find the best CHARACTERS.

But MY Jack? Why he's ALL character. Do you know who does his voice? Nope. Sure, you can look it up, but that's not necessary, because you remember Jack Skellington, not Chris Sarandon and Danny Elfman. Yah, that's right - TWO people were needed to bring this walking, singing, dancing saviour of Halloweentown to life. Skellington is a case study in character growth. Starting out as the toast of the town, putting on the best Halloweens every year, we see that this soul is lost. Having feared that he can't top himself, he wanders and discovers a world he just can't comprehend. His good intentions lead to the Christmas from hell, and through this journey he discovers not only the old "meaning of Christmas", but himself. This leads to him bringing righteous retribution down on the villains of his town, while begging for forgiveness for those he was wronged. Find me one other character from the 90's that can be as joyful, lovable, misguided and terrifying as Jack Skellington. He GROWS, he IS the movie. He doesn't just show up for a cup of coffee and a good yell at some pretty-boy Scientologist, he elevates what could have been just another holiday special to a classic.

Here's a test. Jessup's famous line: "You can't handle the truth!" Now please, recite ANYTHING else he says in that speech.

A line from Jack: "There are children throwing snowballs, instead of throwing heads. They're busy building toys, and absolutely no one's dead!" You're welcome for the earworm.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but I'm sure you can handle it. Jessup doesn't qualify for this tournament since you don't recognize his name without the picture. 19 years after A Few Good Men, Jessup is good for a single line in Nicholson retrospectives. 18 years after Nightmare, Jack Skellington is still gaining fans, being seen in theatres in 3D, and causing people to hum songs about their confusion about snow. Truly great characters endure through time and become legends. Mediocre ones only survive through their best line.

- Astin

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999 003 - Round 1, Heat 1

2011-05-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

Mia Wallace Division - Heat 1

(Polls Are Up and To the Right; Up and to the Right; Up and To the Right)

______________________________________________

Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

Dear Will,

If you're reading this, you've gotten out of South Boston. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. The name of the town here is Zihautenejo. I could use a good man to help my friend Red and I with a project. Remember Will -- hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

I always liked the smart guys who have some fight in them. It always seemed to me that you and Chuckie had something good. Seeing you two made me think of the old days and the time I spent with my good friend Red. One thing I like about you, Will, is that it seems like there are always people looking out for you. I didn't have too many people I could count on in my life, and I hope you appreciate your best friend and your psychologist -- finding people who truly care for you is difficult in this world.

Red was a good friend to me, but if I had a friend like Sean or Chuckie, things might have been easier. One thing that bothered me about you is that it seemed like you lost your hope for a while. I you had a rough childhood, but I really hated seeing you so close to giving up hope.

Even during the worst of times at Shawshank -- the Sisters, the Warden's tyranny, Tommy getting shot -- I always had hope. Without it, I would have been a dead man a long time ago.

Another thing -- can't you come up with some better lines? "How do you like them apples?" Seems like a smart guy like you could come up with something a little more poetic. I always thought that if I was in a movie, I'd have some pretty good lines. One thing I always say is "Get busy livin or get busy dying." That seems like something people could remember.

Your friend,
Andy

-HDouble

Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting:

When we started drafting these characters it was during a weekend. I was picking and via the Iphone because I have a social life and was out and about NOT in front of a computer. Will Hunting was my very last pick and frankly didn’t even realize that he was available. Andy Dufresne was the very first pick of the draft if I recall (which was quite honestly a bit of a shocker to me). I think Will hunting was wrongly overlooked by all of us to have fallen to the last pick and frankly, was really even lucky to be picked at all if someone hadn’t reminded me about the movie.

Who doesn’t like Andy Dufresne? Really, who doesn’t like Shawshank as a top movie of all time? Good Will Hunting was a spectacular movie that made a huge splash in part because of the circumstances surrounding its success and such. Oscar awards, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck – both virtually unknowns, and a character based on some punk thug who happens to be the smartest person on the planet and happens to like apples. Great story line, although I think Psycho therapy is a crock of shit. Any who… oh right, I’m supposed to make a case as to why Will Hunting is a better choice over Andy Dufresne.

The only thing I have in that regard is that the circumstances of how and when they were picked in the draft should be brought to JUSTICE! No way Dufresne deserved a #1 pick and NO way Will deserved a last pick. Other than that… I got nothin’! So have at it and vote.

-Riggstad

______________________________________________

Captain Jim Miller, Saving Private Ryan:

This one I actually have something to write about. Saving Private Ryan is about the Character, albeit not the title character, more than the movie. The director does a lot to distract you from the point that the real value of this film, carried out by Capt. Miller’s character, is to take you inside of the war and its intended and known objectives and show you personal redemption. I mean we all loved the bombs and the brains and the guts. The special effects were so realistic and such a large part of the story. For the first time in Cinematic history, they had the ability to show the horror and gore of war as it really was. Not sensationalistic like movies tend to do but believable carnage. Captain Miller, a firm, disciplined soldier who does nothing to deviate from obtaining his objectives and to rally his men to stay focused on the same tasks, shows often why he prefers to be such a warrior. It’s not his training. It’s not blood lust. He’s not a career soldier. He’s a school teacher who is doing his job to the best of his abilities if for any other reason than to distract himself from the horror or insanity of why they are even there in the first place. He uses that tactic to focus on getting home as quick as possible and as sane as possible. He’s not in it to just blow shit up. He’s in it because he has to be. He finds the task of taking on the objective of saving one soldier, while risking the lives of his own men redeeming. Especially if it rewards him the opportunity to get home himself to see his family and return to normal life. In the end, he proves that his discipline in completing the objective outweighs his own desire to get home. A discipline born out of a desire to earn his way home from somewhere he had to be, not wanted to be. Truly a fantastic caricature of your not so average man accepting the fact that this is the world he lives in and will stop short of nothing to complete his objectives despite the consequences. No matter how dire they are.
Barton fink? Riiiiiiight…

-Riggstad

Barton Fink, Barton Fink:

Pragmatist: Really, you picked Barton Fink as your 9 seed?

Idealist: Yeah, I guess I could have gotten him later, but for some reason I thought somebody might pick him.

Pragmatist: I thought you knew how to draft, you played fantasy sports and stuff!

Idealist: Fine, it was a stupid pick, he would have gone last in the draft, are you happy now?

Pragmatist: Yes.

Idealist: But you know, I'm a wanna be writer who hates LA, tries not to be pretentious, and Turturro is great! How many movies have a writer as the main character facing off against John Goodman as the devil??? Fuck Tom Hanks!

Pragmatist: Yeah I am sure everyone will vote for you with that line of thinking.

Idealist: Anyway, how do you think I should approach it? He's got some great quotes... I could focus on those... Whatever I do I have to get this in somehow:

"It just doesn't seem to me that Los Angeles is the place to lead the life of mind."

Pragmatist: Man, all you do is quotes!

Idealist: Yeah you're right. Got any better ideas?

Pragmatist: He's got some great scenes. Maybe you could pick some youtube clips and break them down?

Idealist: Yeah, I thought of that but it seems kind of like cheating. We're assuming people have seen these movies already and--

Pragmatist: Why didn't you pick Goodman's character? That would be a lot more fun.

Idealist: Look I made my pick already, can we just move on here?

Pragmatist: Just trying to help.

Idealist: How about the wrestling scene? I mean you have Goodman suplexing Turturro in a wrestling demonstration, I have to put that in there.

Pragmatist: What, as an example of how a writer suffers for his craft?

Idealist: Why the hell did I pick this guy? Ok, forget the wrestling. Is it worth mentioning that Faulkner wrote a wrestling script and inspired the movie?

Pragmatist: Ummm...

Idealist: Ok forget it. I'm going with the youtube clips. Without showing Turturro's face there is just no way I can explain how awesome Barton Fink is.

Pragmatist: Good luck.

-HDouble

I'm A Writer, You Monsters!

That "Barton Fink" Feeling

I'll Show You The Life of the Mind!

I Got Respect For Working Guys Like You

Barton's World

______________________________________________

Ghost Dog, Ghost Dog, The Way of the Samurai:

Category: Nickname
Trent Walker: Double Down
Ghost Dog: Ghost Dog
Verdict: One applies to "what you should always do with an 11 except against an Ace", the other describes a Samurai who moves through Jersey City invisibly and with fierce determination.

Category: Job
Trent Walker: Aspiring Actor
Ghost Dog: Samurai Hit man
Verdict: I don't think I even need to comment here.

Category: Best Line
Trent Walker: "Vegas baby! Vegas!" and "You're so money and you don't even know it!"
Ghost Dog: "You know, in ancient cultures, bears were considered equal with men."
Hunter: "This ain't no ancient culture here, mister"
Ghost Dog: "Sometimes it is."

Verdict: I have heard both of Trent's lines about 1000 times in my life, so even though Ghost Dog has a better line, I have to give this one to Trent.

Category: Theme Music
Trent Walker: Jaws (while trying to pick up women at a bar)
Ghost Dog: Wu Tang's RZA
Verdict: The use of Jaws is witty, but Ghost Dog's theme, created by RZA for the movie, is one of the baddest theme songs for any character in any movie.

Category: Skills
Trent Walker: Understands Blackjack basic strategy, Decent Driver, Knows how to utilize Jeremy Roenick in EA's NHL Hockey on Genesis
Ghost Dog: Master of Samurai swordsmanship, Sharpshooter, Pigeon Whisperer, Inability to feel fear
Verdict: I love blackjack and I was also an expert with Roenick, but come on.

Category: Clothing
Trent Walker: Old school (slim) Vince Vaughn looked good in a black tie. Shark skin jacket.
Ghost Dog: All black leather jacket over a hoodie. Also rocks a blue suit with a black shirt.
Verdict: Although Trent's shark skin jacket is memorable, Ghost Dog's look is original, unique, and has resonance.

Category: Hair
Trent Walker: White man's high top fade
Ghost Dog: Corn rows
Verdict: Push

Category: Favorite Book
Trent Walker: Stanford Wong's "Winning without Counting"
Ghost Dog: Hagakure
Verdict: "Our bodies are given life from the midst of nothingness. Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase "Form is emptiness." That all things are provided for by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase "Emptiness is form." One should not think that these are two separate things." Nuff said.

Category: Favorite food
Trent Walker: Comped Treasure Island Lox platter
Ghost Dog: Ice cream
Verdict: Free Lox? Point for Double Down Walker.

Final score:
Ghost Dog 6, Trent Walker 2

There may be another character like Trent Walker someday, but I would vote for the only Jersey City Samurai Hitman you'll ever see.

-HDouble

Trent "Double Down" Walker, Swingers:

"Hey baby, what are you some kind of -- samurai gangster? That's literally So Cool, that's in right now, but not in a 'that's been done to death' sort of way, you know, more like a Wu Tang, old school, back in black sort of way, great all the babies will love it. You're like a bear. No, I mean it, baby, you're like a bear with these big f-- no . . . No wait, you're like the guy who KILLS the people who kill the bear, right? That's money. You've got this big sword and it's like you don't even know what to do with it, and I'm just this LA douche sitting here just BEGGING you 'cut me in half, cut me in half', and you're like, 'how? how? how can I cut you in half?' and you've got this GREAT BIG SWORD and you're like 'how do I cut him in half with this enormous fucking sword??' Listen, baby, you know everybody's voting for me. It's not because my movie is the one more people have seen and remembered, and it's not because I'm the most memorable character from that movie, and its not because I'm Thin Vince and not Puffy Vince, and it's not because I get the best scenes, and it's not even because I made Gretzky's head bleed just for fanboy 99 over there. Oh, wait. Yeah, it's totally because of all those things. ALL those things. You know how your code tells you to start each day with the knowledge you're already dead? That's good advice, baby. Why don't you ask your ice cream buddy over there how to say sayonara in French? "

- Julius_Goat

______________________________________________

Morpheus, The Matrix

It's rare to find a movie character who can believably pull off so many dimensions simultaneously.

Prophet, Mentor, Keeper of the Faith, Martial Arts expert, Hero.

As I was trying to figure out how best to show why Morpheus is a "better" character than John Malkovich, I ended up with a few approaches that all failed to capture the greatness of . So let's go straight to the source and break down my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movie characters of all time.

Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.

Morpheus's first lesson to his pupil is delivered with calm intensity, and explains in simple terms the way in which the "unexamined life" and materialism can imprison us. It's something an expert painter might say to an aspiring painter who has shown early promise. The speech also illustrates the painful reality of being a caring human being: we fight to save our enemies and open their eyes to a way of living outside the system.

Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

The teacher continues his lecture, using a powerful simile to make his point. The "splinter" he refers to reminds us of those moments when we aspire for a more fulfilling life and a better world. In a world filled with depressing headlines, cynicism and sarcasm fill our mind with storm clouds that threaten apathy. With this speech, Morpheus offers us a ray of idealism that pierces the dark clouds.

Morpheus: Free your mind.
[Morpheus jumps from one building to another a long distance away]
Neo: Whoa

Like all great teachers, Morpheus first explains a concept, and then illustrates the concept by doing it himself. Just as Yoda lifts his pupil's ship from the swamp when Luke sees only the impossible, Morpheus forces his pupil to see beyond the limitations created by his mind. Sitting in the theater as a 22 year old, I remember sharing Neo's amazement at the sight of Morpheus's leap of faith.

How many Malkovich quotes do you remember? Do you remember his voice? Do you remember what he was wearing? Take the red pill.

-HDouble

John Malkovitch, Being John Malkovitch

Some characters are incredibly one-dimensional. Others have some pathetic other side that is intended to add depth. Nowadays it seems everything is going 3D. But Malkovich? He's multidimensional, he's got dimensions you can't even imagine. Accessible through a small door on the 7 1/2 floor, you too can be this broad-based auteur. Thespian, tortured soul, puppeteer and puppet both, a man controlled by the whim of petty man-gods, with direct access to the side of the New Jersey Turnpike, Malkovich fights an ultimately fruitless battle against forces he can barely understand. Man vs Army of Senior Citizens inside his own mind isn't frequently visited territory for most actors, but John Malkovich lives it in a means beyond the deepest method actors. Rare is it that one can face oneself, let alone oneself lying on a piano reciting oneself's name. Morpheus nearly broke under the "duress" of being asked some questions by an Australian with an hearing aid. John Malkovich rebelled against a man almost literally pulling his strings. Also, he's best friends with Charlie Sheen. Morpheus is best friends with some dork hacker who refuses to accept the reality of spoons.

- Astin

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999: 02 - Matchups

2011-05-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

So, it's been a while since I brought up this whole 'greatest movie character' thing, hasn't it? My apologies; I won't get into the details, but suffice it to say that massive technology tilt is a major culprit.

That's all through now. I haven't talked with my fellow caballeros yet, but I think we can get going this week. Look for us Wednesday. For now, I'll put up the various matchups of Round 1 so you can get a preliminary idea of how you'd like to vote.

A couple final thoughts first.

1) Those Left Behind. I knew from the beginning that this experiment was built for controversy. Unsurprisingly, most of the comments have included something along the line of "HOW COULD YOU HAVE LEFT OUT BEST CHARACTER EVER????" Frankly, I'm surprised as well. The choices that were made were not all choices I would have made, and I'm betting at least a few of my picks had the others scratching their heads. How can it be otherwise? What makes a character "great" is completely subjective. Suffice it to say, 64 is a very small group when you're talking about literally all movie characters of a decade. My last picks were agonizing as I realized just how many incredible characters were going to be left out of the big dance. So, yeah, you're right. It is crazy that ___________ was left out. I guess there's always the NIT.

2) This One Is For the Ladies. We chose 60 male characters and only 4 female. I know. Look, I know. What can I tell you? I've been thinking about this discrepancy, and I think it comes down to a few factors. First, I think we're dealing with four guys; there's probably a bit of identity politics at play. Second, I think a huge amount of what makes a character great (more even than the acting) is the dialogue. Great lines mean great characters, and this experiment's first lesson for me is just how many of the great lines go to the fellas. Lastly, we're competitive types, all of us playing to win. I can't speak for the others here (and I think HDouble is probably a notable exception to the rule), but I didn't really pick my favorite characters in all cases so much as the characters that I thought would get votes. To be clear, I love all the characters I picked, but I might have picked other more obscure ones if I thought the majority of potential voters wouldn't have just said, "who?"

Anyway, it's not much, but as some sort of nod to the fact that the nineties also had a ton of great characters of both genders, I'm naming the 4 divisions of this bracket after four female characters that I really think ought to be represented.

OK, let's get this going. My hope is that we run round one in groups of 8, one a day.

Mia Wallace Division, Day 1

Mia Wallace Division, Day 2

Clarice Starling Division, Day 3

Clarice Starling Division, Day 4

Trinity Division, Day 5

Trinity Division, Day 6

Tracy Flick Division, Day 7

Tracy Flick Division, Day 8

May movie Mayhem!

2011-05-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hello there good movie viewers of movielandia! No? Movetopia? Fine. FINE!

It’s May! Wooo…almost my birthday. Is everyone excited? I thought you would be. You have two months and one week to come up with the perfect way of honoring my greatness. FYI: My birthstone is the ruby.

Anyhoo, I totally thought I had slacked on my movie watching, but it seems I still managed a decent amount of couch time and saw a, largely, good group of flicks.

Ticking Clock (2010)

This was not one of that group, unfortunately. But hey, as this falls in the category of movies rented because “there was a black person, who is not Tyler Perry, on the box.” And really crappy movies is pretty much the least a racist should get. Um... this movie stars Cuba Gooding Jr as a crime reporter who stumbles upon a serial killer who is traveling through time killing the people who were mean to him as a child. Awesome premise, yes? But then I need you to remember I said “this movie stars Cuba Gooding Jr.” Moving on.

The King's Speech (2010)

This movie was okay. I cannot believe it won best picture…well, I can, the Academy loves Holocaust movies and accents. This movie has the second in abundance and a smidge of the second. I thought Colin Firth was AMAZING. Did he win something? He should have. Rush and Bonham Carter were a bit too flip, I thought. They acted like they were acting their parts. I liked the twist at the end. And all in all, it was okay. Not the best movie of the year though…

Black Swan (2010)

Now, THIS movie was amazing! OMG! I spent a week after I saw it going “ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT!” It was robbed robbed ROBBED! Stupid ass Oscar voters. I was leery going into this. The costumes are weird and the reviews about lesbian ballerinas gave me further pause. But, in reality, this is a movie about a woman coming undone. Actually, it's about three women, in various stages of undoneness. Winona is after, Mila is before and Princess Amadala is during. It's genius. She deserved her Oscar, AND HOW. ATTACK IT!

Children of Men

One of my coworkers recommended this movie about a worldwide infertility plague. It's weird. It's like a post apocalyptic military nightmare with serious continuity and motivation problems. Meh. I liked Idiocracy better.

Heat

The same coworker recommended this. I LOVED this movie! Why isn't it more famous? Why didn't it win awards? DeNiro is a criminal mastermind Pacino the supercop assigned to catch him! They meet face to face in an awesome diner scene where they basically say "I'll kill you if you get in my way," and the other one is all "not if I kill you first." The supporting cast rocks the casbah, too. However, I do not know why an innocent TV had to be harmed in the making of the movie.

Tron [Original Classic] (1982)

This movie is awful. The hell? Our programs are fighting it out in cyberspace? And they wear spandex and neon? No wonder my laptop is always crashing. Save us, Tron. Yawn. Also, all the actors look thisclose to bursting out laughing.

Tron: Legacy (2010)
Now, this movie was genius! So, the son of Tron - well, really, the son of Tron's partner from the original is now a fighter for freeware and open source code. He's fighting the men who took over his dad's company when he gets sucked into the cyber world which took his father 20 years ago! Okay, I'm kidding. This movie sucked too, I just wanted to make VinNay's brain asplode.

The Amityville Horror [WS] (2005)

This movie is the beginning of me going all-in on Ryan Reynolds. Canadianness aside, he da man! And he's great in this remake of the House from Hell. Also, the little girl in this becomes the little vampire girl in "Let me In."

Casino Jack and the United States of Money

This is a documentary about Jack Abramoff. Man, I can totally see Petitedov going "don't be Jewish don't be Jewish don't be Jewish" or "don't be Republican, don't be Republican don't be Republican." Sorry. This movie is great. If you weren't sure if Republicans are evil...this movie is for you! It's also for you if you're sure Republicans ARE evil.

Casablanca

I saw this movie in AV club when I was 15. I didn't like it. Then, by some weird chance, I saw it again when I was 25. I loved it. So, I figured I'd continue the pattern and rent it again. I still love it. It's the greatest love story ever told. And no, none of our problems amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world. Or something. Sigh.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (2010)

This movie was a bagillion times better than the last one. At least it was exciting and stuff happened. But I'll be glad when it's all complete with the final movie I've got boy wizard fatigue.

Country Strong (2010)

I don't know who told Gwenyth Paltrow that she can sing. That person needs repeated kicking in the junk. She's been ruining my Glee for months now...this movie was like a two hour bad episode of a Paltrowfied Glee. It also stars the black haired girl from Gossip Girl who I usually like. Me no likey.

The Next Three Days (2010)

This movie was GREAT! Russell Crowe is back, baby! Obviously, there's a lot of disbelief suspension required in buying this movie about a guy who breaks his wife out of prison after she is wrongfully convicted of murder, but the movie is good and Crowe sells it.

Fair Game (2010)
This is like a dramaticized documentary of the Valerie Plame affair starring Sean Penn. If you were paying attention to the news in the mid aughts, you'll be bored. If not, you'll be appalled that only a New York Times reporter went to jail for this.

Little Fockers (2010)
Blech. I didn't even like Meet the Parents that much...why did this spawn two sequels? Double blech. Keep in mind, though, I hate Ben Stiller. Shrug.

The Resident (2011)

Does Hilary Swank know that she won an Academy Award? Wait, doesn't she have TWO? Hmm...maybe that's it. She's all "bah, I've got my awards, I'm going to set my career to 'Cuba Gooding Jr.' This is the only explanation I have for her appearance in this grade D "thriller" clearly designed for a TV actress...like a basic cable TV actress. Blah. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who I usually love, is also bad. Terrible terrible terrible. Oh, the premise is her landlord is a psycho.

Skyline (2010)
Oh. My. Lord was this movie awful. Starting with the fact that when the old latino cop from Dexter knocks on the apartment door to tell them to keep it down, you just know he'll be the one to save them later because he's too big an actor to waste for one scene. Sure enough, he does. But, and this is predictable too, the black guy gets eaten. Oh whoops, was that a spoiler. Bah. I'm saving you from yourselves. They actually had a dude yell "vaya con dios, motherfuckers!" Out. Loud. Where I could hear. No. Just no.

Mystery Team

VinNay recommended this quirky flick starring the black guy from Community. It's about what would happen if those cute plucky, precocious kid detectives like Encyclopedia Brown or Nancy Drew never bothered to grow up. And at 18/19 they were still solving the crime of the missing baseball for ten cents from their wooden "mystery team" booth. Oh, and what would happen if these developmentally stunted "kids" tried to solve a double homicide. It's cute and you will laugh your ass off at the last scene. Hahahahahaha

Tristan & Isolde (2001)
This movie is a 70 minute french cartoon. Proving once again that Blockbuster hates me.

Invincible
This movie stars Marky Mark as a walk-on to the Philadelphia Eagles team in 1976. He has some hot abs. Um. The girl from the last three days is in it. I also couldn't help but think of The Fighter. Marky Mark always plays these working class stiffs with pro athlete talent who make good and get a blond wife out of it. It's okay. The Eagles suck though. So that's how you know it's based on a true story.

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999: 01 - Introduction

2011-04-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

My wife tells me I have a rich internal life. That's her far-too-kind way of saying "why do you think about all this random nonsense when you're not even sure where you're going or why most days?"

For instance: Have you ever wondered to yourself, Hey, I wonder who the greatest movie character of the 90s is? I mean, you just went through the 90s year-by-year to figure out which movies were likely to enter the cannon of Great Cinema, or, failing that, Enduring Entertainment. But what about, you know, the characters? Could Hannibal Lector survive a match-up with Col. Nathan Jessup? Is Forrest Gump still a player?

Just me, huh? Oh well. Moving on . . .

We're going to do something about this, people. We're going to discover who the best of the best of the best. Here's what I plan to do.

We're going to do this March Madness style. I, along with three others, will hold a draft to choose 64 movie characters. First pick will be first seed, second pick will be second seed, and so forth. We'll then pit character against character, each of us writing an impassioned case for why our chosen character is the better movie character. Any criteria is fair game: enjoyability, iconic stature, importance to film culture, hair, whatever.

Then, all of you go vote at FilmChaw for the character you wish to see win. Winner advances. Loser hangs him or herself from the HOLLYWOOD sign.

So now you're probably asking yourself (if you haven't stopped reading already, that is) when will it happen? When will the draft take place? When will I do this?

Do it? Readers, I'm not a Republic Serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I've already done it.

Voting starts sometime this week.

Note: THIS DOES NOT WORK UNLESS YOU VOTE. PLEASE VOTE. LET OTHER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT. ENCOURAGE THEM TO VOTE. TWEET ABOUT IT. BLOG ABOUT IT. WRITE ABOUT IT IN SPRAY PAINT ON HIGHWAY OVERPASSES. WRITE IT IN THE SKY IN GOSSAMER TEARDROPS. MAKE IT YOUR FIRST THOUGHT WHEN YOU WAKE AND YOUR LAST THOUGHT BEFORE DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP.

Ahem. Anyway. We gonna do this like Brutus, cause we knew 'dis.

Obviously, I needed to find three other crazy people. This was not hard.

_________________

HDouble is a part of the poker-blogger bedrock. If poker bloggers were hockey teams, he'd be one of the original six. If poker bloggers were elements, he'd be Helium. If poker bloggers were pizza toppings, he would be cheese. This guy was around back when the Blogfather was only a Blogbrother. Not only that, but he wrote a series of film posts comparing poker to various movies that are must-reads.

TEAM HDOUBLE

1)     Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption
2)     Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
3)    The Dude, The Big Lebowski
4)    Morpheus, The Matrix
5)    Ghost Dog, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
6)    Mike McD, Rounders
7)    Herman Blume, Rushmore
8)    Dignan, Bottle Rocket
9)    Barton Fink, Barton Fink
10)    William Blake, Dead Man
11)    Jesus Shuttleworth, He Got Game
12)    Truman Burbank, The Truman Show
13)    Marge Gunderson, Fargo
14)    Bernie LaPlante, Hero
15)    Neil McCauley, Heat
16)    Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

_________________

Astin has become one of the prime FilmChaw contributors (though nobody can touch The Real Dawn Summers), and possesses one of the more refined film palates out there. Also, if you listen to some people, he is me, which makes this praise more than a little suspect.

TEAM ASTIN

1)     Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction
2)     Verbal Kint, The Usual Suspects
3)    Ash, Army of Darkness
4)    Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
5)    Austin Powers, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
6)    Eric Draven, The Crow
7)    Agent Smith, The Matrix
8)    Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense
9)    John McClane, Live Free or Die Hard
10)    Mr. Blonde, Reservoir Dogs
11)    Brodie Bruce, Mallrats
12)    Jean Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg, The Fifth Element
13)    John Malkovitch, Being John Malkovitch
14)    Happy Gilmore, Schindler's List*
15)    Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas
16)    Darth Maul, Star Wars Episode I: The Death of Hope

*Citation neeed

_________________

Riggstad is a closer, and is therefore allowed to drink some of the coffee. He can handle the truth. Come with him if you want to live. You're a daisy if you do.

TEAM RIGGSTAD

1)     Tyler Durden, Fight Club
2)     Col. Nathan R. Jessup, A Few Good Men
3)    The Terminator, Terminator 2
4)    William Wallace, Braveheart
5)    Little Bill, Unforgiven
6)    Forrest Gump, Boys On The Side
7)    Mona Lisa Vito, My Cousin Vinnie
8)    Cpt. John Miller, Saving Private Ryan
9)    Doc Holiday, Tombstone
10)    Malcolm X, Malcolm X
11)    Micky Knox, Natural Born Killers
12)    Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
13)    Nicky Santoro, Casino
14)    Lt. Colonel Frank Slade, Scent of a Woman
15)    Roy McElvoy, Tin Cup
16)    Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting

________________

Julius_Goat is me. I'm pretty old, I guess. Estimates range as to how old. I reckon some day I'll get those carbon dating fellas out to my flypaper shack in the Ozarks to test me and then I'll know for sure. Then I'll shoot 'em because I hate trespassers and Nosey Nancies. I keep my teeth in my mouth, but I'm thinking about getting them into a Roth IRA or maybe a hedge fund. I am tall enough to ride all the rides at Seven Flags. I am omnifragrant, which means that I smell of everything, and, therefore, nothing. In my spare time, I catch eagles with my bare hands. You just need plenty of patience, and bare hands. And a gun. In seven years, I've caught 0 eagles. Someday I think I'll catch one, if I just stay positive. Today's the day!

TEAM JULIUS_GOAT

1)     Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs
2)     Blake, Glengary Glen Ross
3)    Tommy DeVito, Goodfellas
4)    Milton, Office Space
5)    Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
6)    The Jesus, The Big Lebowski
7)    Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story
8)    Drexel, True Romance
9)    Derek Vinyard, American History X
10)    Annie Bates, Misery
11)    Karl Childers, Sling Blade
12)    "Double Down" Trent, Swingers
13)    Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights
14)    Wooderson, Dazed and Confused
15)    Donald "Sully" Sullivan, Nobody's Fool
16)    Red, The Shawshank Redemption

________________

Keep watching this space -- Round 1 begins soon.

Julius Goat is a monster

2011-04-01T00:16:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry, you guys, I won't be able to do any movie reviews for April. I've been too busy working and socializing with people in...society? Ha! I got you! April Fool's!

I totally got you! Admit it! Admit it! No? You weren't fooled? Was it the socializing part? Like if I had just stopped at "busy working" would that have been more credible? Or was I fine right up until I wasn't sure where exactly all the socializing takes place? *shakes fist*

Okay, let's get on with the show:

Quarantine
My universe is a weird place sometimes. I start watching Dexter like a week ago, and then, this movie, which I probably put on my Blockbuster queue two years ago, comes and it stars the Dexter lady! Not the really annoying one with the lisp and blond hair, the mostly annoying one with the lisp and the black hair. The movie is good. Not a traditional horror movie, it’s more in the “Blair Witch Project” genre of we follow the “terror” through the cameraman’s lens. But it gets scary. There’s good gore and you’ll scream at the end cause you hella won’t see that shit coming.

The Tourist
This movie proves to me that Angelina Jolie ruins everything for everybody all the time! Her and her stupid face. There are two types of people in the world: people who think Angelina Jolie is beautiful and people who aren’t crazy and blind! And it’s not even like I hate her, sometimes she works, but literally she spends this entire movie with pouty lips and clothes that are too tight going “ blah blah blah.” And the worst part? She completely detracts from the awesomeness of Johnny Depp. Do you understand how difficult a thing that is? Whoa…actually, I saw lots of Johnny Depp movies this month and this is the only one where he can’t save a whack ass script and horrible plot failures. Boo. BOO. BOOOOO! I’m tempted to tell you the twist so you don’t bother. But I won’t, but seriously, don’t bother. Not worth it. Also, for an actor born in Kentucky, Johnny Depp does a terrible American accent.

How do you Know
So, I have developed certain movie truisms through these years of watching and writing about hundreds of movies. One of them is that no movie title with a question mark is ever good. How do you Know tries to trick you by leaving off the punctuation, but it can’t fool me. I hear the question a mile off and even though there are some good moments between Paul Rudd and Jack Nicholson and Reese Witherspoon is cute as a button, this movie about a love triangle and "woe is me, where is my life going" thirty somethings, bit. Hard.

Children of the Corn (1984)

I thought this movie was going to be terrifying… in general vegetables, children, the Terminator lady COME ON… but nope. It was so tame and often lame. And complete and utter nonsense. I’m still not clear on what happens or why it happens or frankly how children take over a town and the feds don’t jump in. Bah.

One Missed Call

Again, I had high hopes for this horror movie about people who get a call and then die. To be honest, I was looking for scientific support for my perennial refusal to answer the telephone under any circumstances. Instead, I got sucked into this crapfest about poltergeists who kill people through the phone lines…even though cell phones don’t have lines. Eyeroll. And the calls aren’t even missed! The idiots pick up and hear the call and then they die. It should be called “And this is why Dawn doesn’t answer phone calls, idiots.”

The Fighter
Sigh. Every year after the Oscar’s, I grudgingly add the Oscar nominated movies to my queue and every year, as they trickle into my mailbox, the one following the other, I just know I’m in for two boring hours of “cinematography” crap. The Fighter starts off strong and ends strong, but there’s this 95 minutes or so in between where you just wish the movie were in 3D so one of the characters’ punches could hit you square on the jaw and knock you unconscious until it gets good again. Oh, the movie is about two Boston brothers who fight. One of them ends up a crackhead and the other one is Marky Mark.

Don Juan DeMarco
Johnny Depp! Good, beautiful, unspoiled Johnny Depp. Not exactly clear on what was happening in this movie, but Johnny Depp is beautiful and charming and has a lovely Spanish accent and um…*claps*!

Hereafter
Um… okay, this movie is about a psychic who quits psychicing because his whole life started to become about death. I thought I was going to hate it and then I did for a while, but the beginning of the end was so poignant and wonderful that I actually liked it, but then the end end was terrible and trite and predictably hackneyed that I didn’t like it anymore. So…all in all. I didn’t hate it.

The Switch
I thought I was going to hate this movie too, because, well “Starring Jennifer Aniston.” God, she’s so irritating that it makes me go “I’d leave you for Angelina Jolie too,” and you all know how I feel about her. Jason Bateman plays a stereotypical whiny hypochondriac. I hate the way movies portray hypochondriacs, like they’re crazy and paranoid. These are real people, with real feelings who may or may not have the only modern day case of leprosy. You don’t know! #rude Where was I? Oh, right. So he and Aniston are best friends, she decides to get a sperm donor to have a kid, he’s sad, gets drunk and switches the sample. Voila seven years later she is saddled with a whiny hypochondriatic kid and can’t for the life of her figure it all out. It’s not bad. Jeff Goldblum is gold, Jerry, gold.

Faster
This movie has a lot of the Rock. He is often shirtless. He doesn’t speak much and there is a lot of fast car driving and bad man killing. In short, Dawn gives this film 19 thumbs up and watched it twice. The Rock is puhrty. And he has muscles. Lots and lots of rocky muscles. And a face. *claps* Oh, I think it’s about a guy getting revenge on the bad men who killed his brother…or a dude that knows his way around a gym.

Morning Glory
This movie was great! I know I know…crazy right? It looks so dumb… wait, is Jeff Goldblum in this too…let me check? Yes! And he’s great in this too! Wow! Get that man a TV show…wait…they tried that, didn’t they? Anyway, it’s about a floundering thirty something who lives with her mom who gets a job on a dead end morning show that everyone wants to see fail (that’s why she’s hired to run it) but she turns it all around. Harrison Ford is a delightful curmudgeon and Diane Keaton plays that character she’s been playing since Annie Hall…except with menopause jokes.

Burlesque
This movie did not suck. And funny enough, though I usually love musicals, I didn’t like this movie for the music stuff, the music stuff was weak. I liked Christina for the… um…cough…acting. She plays a small town girl who moves to LA to make it as a whatever young girls try to make it as in LA, but she ends waitressing at a failing Burlesque bar and eventually gets her break on stage. She then uses her cunning to save the bar! You’ll laugh, you’ll cr…no, you won’t cry. But it’s not the worst movie in the world.

From Hell
Johnny Depp! My wonderful Johnny Depp, who cannot be brought down, not even by Heather Graham’s terrible terrible accent and acting. You see? Only Angelina Jolie can destroy him! So, this movie is about Jack the Ripper. Johnny Depp is the lead investigator trying to catch him. He would have too if it weren’t for those meddling kids! Or something.

Mallrats

Ben Affleck as a pedophile? Okay, I’ll bite. The My name is earl guy plays a slacker layabout who hangs out in malls all day. It’s okay. Some of the dialogue is good. But this is definitely a movie for people who live in suburbs and know who Stan Lee is. That’s not me. However, I totally empathize with the guy who keeps staring at the magic picture and can’t see the sailboat. That’s so me.

Nothing But the Truth
If there is anything more hilarious than a terrible movie populated by actors who think they are starring in the second coming of Citizen Kane, I don’t want to know about it. This movie is a dramatization of the Judith Miller goes to jail for her principles case. All the actors think they are making an “important film.” You can tell this by the way Kate Beckinsale dyes a single strand of her hair gray to demonstrate the gravitas of her character. Also by the way Ross from Friends crinkles his face to show his wife that principles are fine and good but he needs to have sex right away! Instead, the movie they made is not even fit for Lifetime. Every performance is laughable. The dialogue is laughable, the sets are a joke, oh man…terrible, but you can totally tell they were all practicing their Oscar speeches between takes!

Love and Other Drugs
Um. This movie wasn’t the worst. But I didn’t really know it was about a terminally ill woman getting into a relationship with a commitmentphobe drug rep going in…so…I dunno. It wasn’t what I expected, so I was thrown for a lot of it, but it wasn’t good enough to watch again.

Due Date
I’m probably not the first to opine that this is a modern day Planes, Trains and Automobiles, right? Cause if I am… dibs! You all owe me a dime for every time you’ll think that thought while watching Due Date. The premise is preposterous, execution is painful to watch most times, but I like Robert Downey Jr, so I watched the whole thing.

It's Kind of a Funny Story
You know who I do not like? Zach Galifianakis! I want to hold him down with a razor and figure out what he’s hiding under there. You know what’s not kind of a funny story? A movie about a suicidal 15 year old. Oh, and you know what else is not a funny story? How the black girl gets rejected for the psychotic blond. Eyeroll. Fucking Hollywood. #races

Personal Best (1982)
Don’t know how or when this got added to my queue. It’s a weird movie about two ladies in love but then they both want to compete in the Olympics and the coach makes them breakup and then they marry men. But they stay friends. I dunno. It’s weird and has that 70s movies look.

The Contender
This is another movie where you could tell the actors thought they were making this huge statement about women in politics and they thought they’d change the world. It’s about a lady Vice Presidential nominee who gets saddled with a sex scandal and she refuses to deny the accusations because “sex is private.” Eyeroll. Bullshit. Which pretty much accurately describes this whole movie.

Absolute Power

Clint Eastwood plays a 70-year-old cat burglar. I feel like I should stop there. But no, it gets better. He witnesses a crime. By the President of the United States! Eye fucking roll. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

The Butcher Boy

Julius Goat is evil. He writes up these “delayed Oscars” posts and makes you go all “hmmm…that sounds interesting, let me rent that,” and then you spend 80 minutes watching “The Wonder Years,” but with an Irish accent, a lot of yelling and no cute Winnie Cooper young love story. And then, just when you cants stand no more, there’s this awesome 12 minutes that almost makes the movie worthwhile. Almost. Sinead O'Connor is in this, didn't recognize her though.

Lost Highway
Again, Julius Goat? Satan Incarnate. Why? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WOULD HE RESCUE THIS HEAPING PILE OF DUNG BEETLE CRAP FROM THE DUMPSTER OF MOVIE HISTORY? David Lynch doesn’t even admit that he had anything to do with this awful awful awful…okay, I can’t tell you what the movie is about…no really, I can’t! I have no fucking clue. The main actress plays two characters that are exactly the same, but have different names and aren’t the same. The main actor changes into another actor halfway through the movie without explanation. I…I…no words. But then, because Butcher Boy was also terrible for 90 percent of it, I kept watching and watching and then when the car drives away down the dark highway and the credits roll, I kept watching. And then when my TV went into screen saver mode, I kept watching. And then I vowed bloody bloody vengeance upon the head of one Julius Goat.

Hamlet
I love David Tennant. He stars as Hamlet. So I rented it. I used to think Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet was the gold standard, but I haven’t seen it in 15 years, so I should probably rent it again before I change my mind about that. But I verily enjoyed Tennant’s performance.

Glorious 39
This movie was also billed as starring David Tennant. So I rented it. DAVID TENNANT HAS LIKE NINE LINES in the whole THREE HOUR movie! And some of those are repeats in memories after he’s killed in the first ten minutes. DIRTY FUCKING POOL Glorious 39! I swear, I couldn’t believe it. I kept waiting for his character to have a twin brother who comes to town or something. But no. This movie is dumb. Don’t bother. DIRTY POOL!

Skin
This movie is the fascinating story of a woman born in Apartheid South Africa to white parents, but she has dark skin and coarse hair, so she is deemed to be “colored” and shunned from white society. The parents sue and the government decrees that all children shall be designated the race of their parents. Leading to one of the greatest lines uttered in a movie ever: “Thank God! She’s white again!” LOL. Of course, she still looks the same and well, it’s interesting what happens to her being not quite white, but being an outsider to the black community. Definite rent.

Tangled

An update on the old children's tale about the girl with impossibly long hair. This movie is cute, but the songs are terrible, it steals the ending of Shrek Forever, and I'm pretty sure it's that Nerd Herd dude Chuck singing...which is just creeepy. But it hits the right chords and manipulates you into caring.

Time-Delayed Oscars 1999

2011-03-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

Folks, we’re nearing the end of the nineties, and what have we learned? First, I’ve learned that this is a truly enjoyable series of posts to write. I’m almost certain to move on to the eighties. Second, it can be a total grind. I’m almost certain to take a break before moving on.

I was asked on Formspring the other day which year I thought represented the decade’s strongest showing. This is that year. Seriously, go look at the absolute monster list below. It’s almost silly. We’re talking about a breathtaking array of genre-benders and risk-taking films that sent shock waves into and throughout the next decade. Amazingly (or perhaps not so much), this was also a year that the Academy got it almost entirely wrong.

Spoilers: This is too long and you didn’t read it. Those of you who sold your attention spans for the latest Angry Birds upgrade pack should probably just pull the ripcord now; your parachute will carry you down with cottony softness to the Daily Doses of Crazy and Awesome.

Huh? You’re still here?

Let’s do it.

Check Out The Movies of 1999.

Yes, you can ask your contractor to install a similar ceiling,
but the insulation is crap, it's going to just KILL your heating bill.

And Down! The! Stretch! They! Come!

All About My Mother – The first Pedro Almodovar movie to receive serious Oscar notice. Not my favorite of his, but all the touchstones are here; the strong women, the bright palate, the artifice of performance bleeding into “real” life. It’s worth seeking out.

American Beauty – Otherwise known as Your Best Picture of 1999, Beauty hasn’t aged all that well. It’s still got bits that pop, the cinematography is absolutely gorgeous, and I think Kevin Spacey in particular is very good in it, but it comes off now as overly mannered in some spots, and outright contrived or pretentious in others. In another year, I think it would remain a contender, but I think it would be hard-pressed to even get a nomination in retrospect, particularly given director Sam Mendes’ spotty track record (Road to Perdition, Revolutionary Road, and other movies without the word ‘Road’ in them).

American Pie – Brought back the teen raunch comedy and launched a billion direct-to-DVD sequels. Also, Shannon Elizabeth. Just sayin’.

Any Given Sunday – Never saw this, but it got Jamie Foxx started down the ‘serious actor’ road, and allegedly has a lively Al Pacino performance. Warrants a brief mention.

Being John Malkovich – OK, so we’re all now aware that this is an all-time classic, right? Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jones showed up with this aggressively bizarre gem about people scheming for recognition, scrambling around in a culture that values fame so desperately that they’ll pay top dollar to spend a little bit of time as a kind of famous person. I think this movie pretty much freaked everybody out, and though there were a couple nominations given, it pretty much was ignored, written off as a cult hit with a small but rabid fan base. Nope; this one pushed the envelope of how stories could be told, and spoke into our culture of ‘look at me!’ with far greater insight than The Truman Show managed to do. Also, it’s safe to say I will never fully recover from the “Malkovitch enters Malkovitch” scene.

The Blair Witch Project – This was a sensation at the time, remember? I thought it was OK, but much better at creating atmosphere than sustaining it. Nevertheless, I think it was the first major hit to employ the ‘handheld’ look, and it redefined film marketing by producing hoax documentaries about the film, which went an early form of viral. In fact, the first time many of us heard the term “viral” in reference to web popularity may well have been in the context of this movie.

Boys Don't Cry – One of those classic “excellent movies that I never want to watch again.” Hilary Swank gives the performance of her career as Brandon Teena.

Dogma – This is notable to me because it is the movie where Kevin Smith and I parted ways. Not because of the religious satire stuff, which I thought was interesting-to-brilliant, but because he felt the need to bring in Jay and Silent Bob, who fit in to the movie about as well as a fart demon in church. And then they fought a fart demon. Smith is a very funny guy, and I’ll listen to him talk whenever and wherever and about whatever he wants to talk. But when he self-deprecatingly calls himself a lazy film-maker, it is proof that ‘self-deprecating’ doesn’t equal ‘wrong.’ I’m a fan of Kevin Smith who is not a fan of Kevin Smith movies, is I guess what I’m saying.

Election – Guys, Reese Witherspoon is el magnifico. I mean pure genius. If not for an entry a little further down the list, this would be the recipient of my ‘sadly buried classic’ prize for this year.

Eyes Wide Shut – I rented and watched Stanley Kubrick’s final movie ten years ago. I thought it was absolute drivel, but on the other hand, I also thought Nicole Kidman was naked in it. Now critics who hated it are coming back around. It occurs to me that this sort of critical time-lapse is pretty common with Kubrick. It also occurs to me that I probably rented a lousy pan-and-scan on VHS. Might be time to revisit Nicole, um, I mean this movie.

Fight Club – Was this movie any good? I don’t know, I never saw it but I think it’s probably been forgotten.

HA! Caught you, didn’t I? You probably were already crafting your angry comments.

Galaxy Quest – Just a fun B-movie all the way. If it were on TV right now, I’d watch it, and so would you.

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai – All I really want to say about Ghost Dog is this: I think of this meditative and immensely oddball gangster movie as the ultimate halfway litmus test. If you didn’t like it, it doesn’t mean too much to me in terms of your taste, by which I mean I understand why it might not be your cup of tea, and I don’t really judge you because of it. On the other hand, if you loved it, you are definitely my kind of people. If you loved The Godfather? Well, congratulations. Who didn’t? But if you loved Ghost Dog? I need to buy you a beer and talk with you for a while. You’re part of my tribe.

The Insider – Almost left this off the list. I think it’s still sort of remembered for the Russell Crowe performance. It’s a good movie, but I think it’s going to be/has already been forgotten.

The Iron Giant – Dudes. Dudettes. Trust me. If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re missing out on one of the finest and most sadly unknown ~~children’s~~ films ever. Before he made The Incredibles or Ratatouille, animation legend Brad Bird made this. If you don’t love it, I’ll kill ya. This would be a credible Best Picture choice in most years, kids’ movie or no kids’ movie. It’s pretty much perfect.

Magnolia There comes a point, after the frogs have started raining down on Los Angeles, when Current Quiz Kid Stanley Spector looks around and says with awe, “This happens. This is something that happens.” That’s how I felt too, as I realized that PT Anderson had decided that no limits were necessary in his narratives. I was already pretty well invested in the movie, a well-acted, beautifully written, stunningly directed piece, but I couldn’t shake that it was essentially nothing more than a well-made entry in the ‘we-are-all-connected-in-this-big-city’ cannon that Robert Altman (among others) had already done pretty well. But then Anderson hocked up a frog rain, and dared us to follow him right down the rabbit hole. Did you? I did. This is my favorite movie of this very strong year.

The Matrix – You see what I mean about 1999? You see what I mean? The original lost a little of its shine because of two ghastly sequels, but whatever you might think of those movies, it’s difficult to say that The Matrix didn’t drop a megaton paradigm bomb all over action cinema and helped usher in the design aesthetic (sleek, black, lots of white space – this movie basically invented a decade of Apple products) we’re still living with. It’s also a top-shelf sci-fi action film, and provides us with what is sure to be the defining ‘whoa’ of Keanu Reeves’ career.

Office Space – This movie was a total bomb. I’ll repeat that. This movie – this movie – was a total bomb. My, what a difference a few hundred cases of the Mondays makes, am I right? I think it’s safe now to call Office Space one of the defining comedies of the decade. This is the way we can find the Russian agents still hiding among us: Find out if they’ve seen this movie. If not, you’ve got a sleeper agent for sure. It’s a sort of polite howl against the dehumanizing effect of cubical life, it’s the movie that gave us all the chance to vicariously beat the living shit out of a faulty printer, and most importantly, it’s the movie that reclaimed the name ‘Michael Bolton’ from infamy. In many years, this movie would be a likely dark horse Best Picture nominee, even though it’s in the comedy ghetto that is seldom Academy-honored. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

The Sixth Sense – Remember when M. Night Shyamalan was considered the heir to Spielberg and Hitchcock? Yeah. So, anyway…I watched this again, and it isn’t terrible. In fact, there are creepy little parts of it that are effective and bordering on great. Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, and Toni Collette all give interesting, if highly stylized, performances, and Shyamalan -as-director’s strength have not yet been subsumed by Shyamalan -as-writer-of-terrible-and-obvious-dialogue. Also, it kept Donnie Wahlberg off the streets for a few days. That said, it doesn’t hold up as anything resembling ‘great’. It’s difficult to know how much of my reaction is biased by the midden heap that M. Night has been slowly pooting out for the last 10 years, but it’s pretty clear that this is simply the cleverest of his empty little Twilight Zone episodes. (I’d say one of his later movies is less clever but still more successful cinematically. Now I’m quibbling. How do I get out of this parenthetical?)

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut – I’d have to say this is one of the very funniest movies that have ever been made. What’s so extraordinary about SPBLU is not just that it expands the South Park universe to a scope epic enough for the big screen, but that is it easily one of the most enjoyable screen musicals in decades. They don’t just make fun of the music they are satirizing, either; Parker and Stone went and made honest-to-God great songs. They are geniuses, and it’s little wonder that this year they have become the toast of Broadway.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace – Yep. So. This happened. Hmm. Kind of awkward. Shall we just sort of politely move along?

The Talented Mr. Ripley – A fantastic thriller that kind of gets lost it in the 1999 mix. It brought Jude Law front and center in the national consciousness, but what is often missed is that Matt Damon delivered what is probably the best performance of his career. How he missed the nomination is beyond me, but who cares? Go back and watch him now.

Three Kings – An odd little sleeper in 1999 (part Kelly’s Heroes, part Platoon), it’s now often mentioned among the best war films ever. It doesn’t hurt that director David O. Russell has become an official Auteur To Watch in the decade following this Gulf War drama, or that stars Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney have themselves gained significant critical cachet.

Toy Story 2 – The sequel is every bit as good as the groundbreaking (and Retroactive Oscar Best Picture winning) original. There are those that would say it’s even better, setting up and deepening the themes that would, by part three, blossom into a full-on existential meditation about the inevitability of death. To be fair, it’s also about toys doing funny things. I don’t want to get too far down Pretention Parkway with this. Whatever, all hail Pixar.

Varsity Blues – I think this is sort of remembered, but I just want to point out that this is the movie that actually gave the hero my last name (and the nickname derivative that is the natural offshoot of said name), and then cast James VanderBeek (Dawson himself) as that hero. This is like finding out you won $500 in a contest and then finding out that it is a Dom Deluise look-alike contest.

And The Time-Delayed Oscars Go To. . .

"Some people who took Red Pill reported side-effects, including
changes in appetite; changes in sexual desire; constipation;
dizziness; drowsiness; pursuit by kill-bots, increased saliva
production; deluisions of godhood; lightheadedness;
tiredness; kung fu; leather fetishes; unsteadiness; weight changes,
and the ability to control time and space. Consult with your
physician before taking Red Pill."

Best Picture

Real List: American Beauty, The Cider House Rules, The Green Mile, The Insider, The Sixth Sense

Today's List: Being John Malkovitch, Fight Club, Magnolia, The Matrix, Three Kings

My pick: Magnolia

Look at those two lists. I don’t think that there is any more damning evidence of the Academy’s increased irrelevance than that. I mean, of the movies actually nominated in 1999, only eventual winner American Beauty is even credible. Meanwhile, the bottom list is almost comically stacked. It’s the 1992 Dream Team of Best Picture nominees, and consider the following: (1) in 1999, none of them even made the team, which would be like leaving off Magic, Michael, Larry, and Isaiah* in favor of John Starks, AC Green, Christian Laettner*, and a then-4 year old Darko Milicec; (2) I even left off Office Space, Toy Story 2, South Park, The Iron Giant, Ghost Dog, Election, Eyes Wide Shut, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and Boys Don’t Cry, any of which would have been perfectly credible entries (and all of which I at one point or another nearly included in place of Three Kings), and none of THEM made the list of nominees either.

The Cider House Rules?

The Green Mile?

The Insider?

The Sixth Sense?

Are you kidding me? These are forgettable-ish at best (The Sixth Sense, The Insider), and downright terrible in some cases (The Green Mile, The Cider House Rules).

The Academy was sitting at a veritable Brazilian steak house of cinematic destiny, and they filled up at the salad bar. LOLDonkOscarments, as the man says.

*Yes, I know. I am still bitter.

Anyway, it’s nearly impossible for me to decide which of these movies is the winner. I’m tempted to go with my personal favorite, Magnolia, but I know that it annoyed many even as it inspired many. It’s a prickly pear, and probably still too prickly for a solid win. Being John Malkovitch undoubtedly belongs at the table…but is it still too damn weird to get to carve the turkey? I sort of think ‘yes’. Three Kings has the war movie thing going for it, which the Academy loves, but there’s precious little flag-waving in it, which the Academy loves…less.

I think it’s down to Fight Club and The Matrix. I’ll admit that I’m not the biggest fan of The Matrix. I think it has a number of story problems (which blossom to full flower in the sequels), and morally speaking it is about ten times too nihilistic for me. (Look, I realize that the Matrix by its very nature makes all people connected into it potential enemies, but they are still PEOPLE, you know? Having our heroes looking all cool and awesome and just mowing down a bunch of cops without any reflection on either their part or the part of the film is troubling to me, and I suspect it always will be.) However, it is without doubt a touchstone movie and a defining moment in modern popular culture. James Cameron aside, I think its safe to say that Big Spectacle Hollywood is still trying – and failing – to catch it.

"It's a can of whup-ass. Let's open it."

Oh, and speaking of nihilism: Hello, Fight Club, aka the Gonzo American Beauty. Yes, the parallels are certainly there between Tyler Durden’s Diary of A Mad White Man and American Beauty, the actual, considerably more wan, Best Picture winner of 1999. Here we have a movie about a guy much like American Beauty’s Lester Burnham, a guy who realizes the absolute cancerous emptiness of the consumerist American careerist/ consumerist death trap, a guy who is forced to face the impossibility of human contact within the lifestyle that he’s chosen for himself, a guy who (exactly like Lester) responds to this new realization first by acting out, then by aggressively blackmailing his superior into firing him with a dream severance package, and then by dropping out of common society altogether.

You see it, right? The Academy got the zeitgeist right. It just chose the wrong damn picture.

Oh. Unlike Lester Burnham, the unnamed hero of Fight Club becomes a friggin’ terrorist with split personality disorder who by movies end stands hand-in-hand with his damaged girlfriend, listens to the Pixies, and watches the world financial system (built on nonsense – that is to say, credit) and the skyscrapers fall . . .

(Spoilers! Also: Chills!)

Um. Dudes. This movie came out in 1999. No way it gets made today with that ending. But did it have its finger on the pulse?

Answer? Yes.

I am Jack’s Best Picture Oscar.

Best Actor

Kevin Spacey carries American Beauty. Bruce Willis grounds The Sixth Sense. Matt Damon is revelatory in The Talented Mr.Ripley. Keanu Reeves is, um, in The Matrix. That said, you really have to give this to Bradley Pitt, the live wire that makes Fight Club jump. Imagine another actor as Tyler Durden, please. You see? That’s one sad tamale, isn’t it? I recall a time when I thought that Pitt was just another pretty face with not much going on. A Keanu, in other words. After a while, it became clear that he had the Robert Redford charisma gear, and was a genuine movie star who could actually act when needed. I am pretty sure that 12 Monkeys was the moment it became entirely clear that Pitt was an excellent actor, period, and Fight Club was the moment when that promise came to full flower. Brad Pitt is going to be in dozens more movies, I’d imagine, but Durden is rightfully his career definer. Oscar time, please.

Best Actress

You’d be hard-pressed to take this away from Hilary Swank, an actress that I normally can barely tolerate, but who nevertheless gave a performance in Boys Don’t Cry that was so raw and vulnerable and believable and utterly heart-rending that experiencing it almost feels like it should leave scars. On the opposite side of the spectrum, though, we have Reese Witherspoon, who is comedic perfection in Election. (I didn’t know that was going to rhyme like that when I wrote it, so I’m leaving it. Screw.) I don’t think she’d manage to win it retroactively in this fantabulously stacked year, and frankly I’m not sure she even deserves to, but since in almost any other year she’d be the obvious pick, I wanted to mention her here.

What was the Best Picture of 1999? Vote!

Time-Delayed Oscars 1998

2011-03-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

Right after the films of 1997 came the film of 1998. And the year before that had been 1996! Really, it just happened that way. Personally, I am beginning to detect a pattern. If the movies of 1999 follow, this whole thing may be rigged.

The year of our King of the World (1997) was what we might call 'disappointing' to write about, as I first wrestled against, and then finally learned to stop worrying and love, Titanic. Well, OK, not 'love'. More like 'accept the fact that Titanic still casts a long shadow fourteen (!!) years later and will probably still win the Oscar'. It sort of makes me want to start up a "30 years later" series, except then I'd have to wait to do it. What I'd like to do is reiterate that I believe that The Sweet Hereafter is the best film of the year, and will eventually be recognized as such. I'm heartened to see that so many of you agree, as you made it the easy winner in the FilmChaw poll. Not quite the level that we saw with Fargo, which crushed for 1996, but still enough. Good show, Internet!

OK, let's reach the bourgeoisie and rock the boulevard.


"Highness, forgive me for saying so, but you look like some kind of Batman super-villain. We thought you would want to know, you are making babies cry."

Behold All The Movies of 1998, And Despair

And Those The Storm Left Behind

American History X – Edward Norton was awesome in this overly-didactic Tony Kaye flick. Also, you can’t bring up this movie without reliving the grueling curb-stomp scene, the grueling shower scene, and the hilarious basketball scene where Norton dunks.

The Big Lebowski – I must confess, I’ve been considering this movie to be the proof case for the whole Time-Delayed experiment. For most people, this meandering spoof on noir detective tropes was a minor little nothing when it came out, a sort of confusing disappointment from the Coens following their mainstream breakthrough with Fargo. What a difference a decade or so makes, huh? Lebowski has proven to have some serious legs as a cult film and a critical darling. It’s an endlessly quotable, marvelously clever, perfectly daffy movie. It may be the best comedy of the decade.

Blade – Wesley’s Nipes as a vampire hunting vampires, back in an age when vampires were dangerous instead of sparkly. I think there are still a lot of fans of this movie. It did spawn two sequels, after all. Was it any good?

Buffalo '66 – Vincent Gallo made this movie about a stunted man-child ex-con who kidnaps a girl to pose as his wife to impress his parents, who are the cause of all his emotional problems. It’s sort of insane and compelling.

A Bug's Life – If there’s a forgettable Pixar movie, it’s this one. But it’s also possible that there isn’t a forgettable Pixar movie, so I’m mentioning it here. Yep. Um, yep. So…let’s move on.

Bulworth – Warren Beatty raps. This is not a typo. This is actually a seriously under-rated political satire. It falls apart at the end and falls short of the 70s masterpieces like The Candidate and Network to which it clearly aspires, but until then Beatty is serious fun as a senator who loses his marbles and starts telling the truth.

Croupier – Great little gambling noir that introduced Clive Owen as an actor to reckon with.

Elizabeth – Sort of dull-ish but stylish costume drama with a superb Cate Blanchett role. Not her first big role, but definitely the first where she made a big splash.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – Another one of those 1998 movies that tanked in the theater but have warranted reconsideration afterward. I tried watching this as a comedy, and I hated it. Then I watched it as a horror film, and I loved it. Arguably Johnny Depp’s finest hour, and required viewing for both fans of Hunter S. Thompson’s book and the oeuvre of Terry Gilliam.

Gods and Monsters – Ian McKellen was a favorite to win Best Actor until Roberto Begnini cold-cocked him on Oscar night. I remember this film fondly, though I don’t hear a whole lot of people these days saying, “hey, remember Gods and Monsters?”

Happiness – Wow, is this the most disturbing funny movie of all time, or is it simply one of the most disturbing movies of all time? It remains Todd Solondz’s most acclaimed offering, and one of the only films (the only one?) that attempts to humanize a pedophile – and that’s only one thread in this twisted little path of woe. I think if Solondz’s post-Happiness films had been better received, it would be a 1998 best picture contender.

Life is Beautiful – Ah, yes, the Holocaust comedy. You know, I actually think that any topic, no matter how controversial or painful, is a valid target for comedy (see the entry directly before this one), but certain topics require a very deft touch when it comes to tone. I think if we know one thing about Roberto Begnini, it’s that he isn’t a particularly deft touch when it comes to tone. He’s more like a shotgun than a sniper rifle, is what I’m saying, and he gives us a movie where a guy gives a whole barracks full of Auschwitz prisoners hilarious and comical instructions so that his son won’t know the horrific truth. It’s a slapsticky feel-goody Holocaust farce. Is the Academy embarrassed yet about falling in love with this one?

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels – Look out, bad guys; here comes Jason Statham. The Statham is actually a low-key (and approximately 300% less badass) part of a massive ensemble that sees Tarantino’s tough talking thugs, twisting plot, and stylized dialogue, and raises with impenetrable British slang and diction, twice the characters, and three times the nihilism. Still a hell of a lot of fun. Guns for show. Knife for a pro.

Meet Joe Black – This was a total bomb, but I wanted to mention it for the rag-doll-struck-by-two-cars death of Brad Pitt’s character in the first act.

Out of Sight – There should be warnings before a movie that is this stylish and assured and fun. George Clooney came into his own as a movie star in this, and Jennifer Lopez is never better than here (which means that she is actually good). Seriously, from beginning to end Out of Sight is an embarrassment of awesome. Woefully under-appreciated in its day.

Patch Adams – Behold, the end of Robin Williams’ funniness. This movie gave me cancer.

Pi – Darren Aronowsky’s debut. He really wasn’t any mellower back in the day. Are you thinking of the power drill yet?

Rounders – The movie that spawned approximately 67% of the screen names on online poker sites, and 87% of the poker clichés from 1998 until around 2004. This is sort of dated in the internet poker age, and way simplistic for anybody who has followed the evolution of the game over the last decade, but there’s something compelling about the world of Worm and Knish and Mike McD and especially the scenery-destroying John Malkovitch as Teddy KGB.

Run Lola Run – I don’t know; is this one still on the list? It’s on the edge for me. I remember it as being very flashy but ultimately hollow. It was without doubt relevant back in the day, though; an art-house action movie.

Rush Hour – Are we all over our Chris Tucker fascination yet? This was a major hit back in the day, but I think it will be a film that time forgets pretty soon.

Rushmore – Wes Anderson’s Bottle Rocket follow-up is the first movie that fully realizes what is now his signature style. It might be the best of them, too, though it’s not quite my favorite. Do you know that Bill Murray wasn’t even nominated for this? No matter; the rejuvenation of his career began with Rushmore.

Saving Private Ryan – Hold on . . .

Shakespeare In Love – I swear I actually heard the air get sucked out of the room when they called out this movie at the end of the Oscar ceremony. Yep, this was the movie considered Best Picture of 1998. And, once again, I don’t hate it. I actually like it. It’s quite well done. But come on, this is the best movie of the year? Sometimes it’s obvious when the wrong pick has been made. This movie was a well-made middlebrow hit. It’s not an all-time classic. Is it getting into some stirring “Ain’t Cinema Great” montage between clips of On The Waterfront and Taxi Driver? The answer, obviously, is ‘no’. We wouldn’t even be thinking of it if it hadn’t won the major prize. By the way, The King’s Speech just won Best Picture of 2010. Huh, what made me think of that?

A Simple Plan – Very under-rated modern noir gem from a post-Evil Dead, pre-Spider Man Sam Raimi. Watch it if you haven’t. You’ll not regret it.

There's Something About Mary – A mega-hit comedy from the Farrelly brothers that notably raised the bar on outrageousness; I suspect it would seem quaint today. Remember that South Park was only getting warmed up when the ‘hair gel’ gag was considered outré. I always thought that TSAM was overrated by exactly 76.9%, but I’ll always love it a little for two reasons: (1) Matt Dillon’s delivery when he proudly proclaims, “I work with retards”; and (2) for being the only film of the 90s bold enough to take on the issue of the disparity between the spelling and the pronunciation of Brett Favre’s name.

The Thin Red Line – Hold on . . .

The Truman Show – Ladies and gently-men, I give you the most overrated film of 1998! I remember that magazines had practically given it (and Jim Carrey) the Oscar before it came out. It seems to think it has a lot to say about either (1) our celebrity culture or (2) the human condition, but it’s actually (3) ludicrous. The premise – unlimited technology and resources are spent in order to stage what is essentially a very dull (yet inexplicably globally popular) reality show about a very dull man – is just unbelievable enough to be distracting, but it’s played just straight enough that you have to try to push through and accept it at face value, which is hard work. It’s ironic given how much credit Carrey was given for dialing back his manic persona in service to this film, but a broader comic tone might have helped sell the premise a bit better. (I’ll now back up and say that it’s not a terrible movie, and Carrey in particular is actually pretty good in it, but damn, 1998. Get a grip.)

Velvet Goldmine – A minor independent film from Todd Haynes about the glam rock scene starring a pre-superstar Christian Bale. It’s still well-remembered by aficionados, which indicates to me that I should probably watch it.

Wild Things – This movie will always be remembered for one thing: the dialogue.

You've Got Mail – This is the third and (to date) final Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic comedy, and I’m guessing the late 90s computer theme makes it easily the most comically dated movie of the year. Never mind that, though, this thing was awful to start with. Let’s sum up: Tom Hanks’ big business book chain owner is going to crush the family business of small independent bookstore owner Meg Ryan, little knowing that Ryan is the woman he’s fallen in love with online. Then he finds out. Then he crushes her anyway. Then she cries a lot. Then she loves him, because it is the end of the movie. This movie can be summed up by one word, and that word is “gloorrmf?” At least it lives up to its product placement: It is the AOL of romantic comedies. I have been waiting 13 long years to write this rant down. I feel better now.

War is hell. It's still not as bad as You've Got Mail.

And the Time-Delayed Oscars Go To:

Best Picture

Real List: Elizabeth, Life Is Beautiful, Saving Private Ryan, Shakespeare In Love, The Thin Red Line

Today’s List: The Big Lebowski, Out of Sight, Rushmore, Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line

My Choice: The Thin Red Line

We really have an embarrassment of riches this year; not only of great movies, but of great movies that are now generally recognized as such. I think Lebowski would actually be a contender today, given that the Coens are officially recognized Big Damn Geniuses now, and the fact that Lebowski is one of their most beloved movies wouldn’t hurt, either. However, it’s just too goofy and shambling and weird, and it’s a comedy. Academy don’t like comedy as much. They’d rather be taken seriously. Ironically, they’d be taken more seriously if they recognized movies like Lebowski, but whatever. Similarly, Out of Sight and Rushmore would be in the running, but one is a breezy and enjoyable heist flick and the other one is an idiosyncratic story about a teenaged misfit. They’re out.

So really, this is a race between two World War II movies. Now, WWII is the ultimate catnip to the Academy, but these actually happen to be among the greatest war movies of all time, so I think their head-to-head battle is appropriate. My preference is for the absolutely gorgeous, meditative and detached rumination on beauty and horror that Terrence Malick delivered (honestly, I’ve never seen a war movie that’s anything like it, and it’s been burrowing its way into my soul since I watched it), but I have little doubt that the hardware would be going to Steven Spielberg’s technically astounding Saving Private Ryan, an excellent movie marred somewhat by a narrative misleading and unnecessary framing device. Ryan is definitely more popular, more influential (it pretty much re-wrote the war film playbook) and more accessible than Line, and it’s entirely deserving.

Best Actor

There’s plenty of ways we could go, all of them better than the actual winner (Roberto Begnini the Holocaust clown). Tom Hanks gives what is in my opinion his finest performance in Saving Private Ryan. George Clooney anchored Out of Sight. Edward Norton was a force of nature in American History X, and Johnny Depp gave great gonzo. In the end, I’m calling it for Jeff Bridges in his most iconic role as The Dude. Every time I watch Lebowski I’m amazed at the Dude-ish perfection that Bridges brings to his accidental shamus/bowler/ex-hippie/occasional wearer of pants. It’s just about perfecto. There’s any number of award-worthy Bridges performances (in fact, he just got awarded for one of them recently); but it’s as The Dude that he’ll be remembered.

Best Actress

This was a two-way race between Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love and Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth, and I think it still is. However, I think the Academy would now zag instead of zig. I say this mainly based on my understanding of the current reputations of both. I’d argue that, without the imprimatur of Best Picture for Shakespeare, both actress’s films would be remembered equally well, which is to say not very, but there sure was some fine actin’, wasn’t there? Paltrow’s relative disappearing act since winning, compared with Blanchett’s awards show ubiquity, suggest that it is now Blanchett who is considered the finer actress, and who therefore would have the inside track to the win.

What was the Best Picture of 1998? Vote!

Time-Delayed Oscars 1997

2011-03-07T07:56:00.001-08:00

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

This is going to be a weird year; there were some genuinely great movies to come out in 1997, some of which haven’t yet received their full due, others of which have simply faded from our regard… and then there’s a giant 900 lb. gorilla in the room. A technically amazing, poorly-written, extremely high grossing gorilla who sometimes sounds like Celine Dion.

Will our hearts go on? Let’s find out.

Ian Holm and Sarah Polley contemplate the fact that they have
no shot at the 1997 Oscars.

Here’s Every Movie of 1997.

And The Survivors:

Air Bud – OK, I’m kidding. This movie was probably terrible. I certainly will never watch it.

The Apostle – AKA Robert Duvall’s tour-de force as actor/writer/director. This may be his greatest performance. He brought it to the screen almost by himself. It was almost totally ignored. I think the love for this movie is growing slowly. The day will come when suddenly the world of film history will take another look and realize what has been buried.

As Good As It Gets – One of the most beloved movies of 1997, both then and now, which obscures what a mess this thing is. Jack Nicholson is given one of his best opportunities ever to play The Jack Nicholson Character – and yes, he is sure enough given some of his most hilarious lines in an age to say, and yes, he does tear into those lines with gusto. But his character is just such a terminal louse, and his semi-redemption seems so tacked on and unearned. I’m being unduly harsh, because I actually enjoyed it, but as cinema it’s a pretty good TV movie. I think this movie is good eating, but it’s fast food.

Austin Powers – The movie that launched a million catchphrases. Or, perhaps, the same catch phrase a million times. A middling semi-success in theaters, it was such a hit on video that it catapulted Michael Myers into headlining movie-star territory the likes of which had only been seen by a handful of SNL stars (arguably only Eddie Murphy ever got bigger than Myers at his biggest, though you could make a case for Bill Murray and Chevy Chase). Myers used his newfound clout to make the exact same movie two more times, and then appear in a series of decent-to-excruciating movies as the voice of a Scottish troll.

Batman & Robin – This movie was the worst thing ever and should never be forgotten as such. However, it did end Chris O’Donnell’s movie career, so it wasn’t for nothing.

Boogie Nights – PT Anderson’s LA porn epic was his first big grab at the Scorsese crown and dangnabbit, if he didn’t pull off an at least temporary coup. Features include maybe a dozen of the more indelible scenes of the year, an entire stable of great actors on the cusp of stardom (seriously, look at it; Phillip Seymour Hoffman probably has 12^th billing), one of the more infectious soundtracks of the decade, and Burt Reynold’s last fleeting moment of relevance.

The Butcher Boy – OK, does anybody remember this movie? It’s one of the most amazing things I’ve seen. Neil Jordan gets a performance out of child actor Eamonn Owens that is a miracle. Eamonn who? Exactly. But trust me, this isn’t just one of the best child performances of the decade; it’s one of the best performances of any kind. I think the movie was just obscure enough that the baffled Academy was able to sort of ignore it.

Chasing Amy – I remember when Kevin Smith movies were nearly as fun as Kevin Smith speaking engagements. This was the first movie of note starring Ben Affleck, and to watch it today is to watch what might have been if he had been allowed to grow into his likeable but flawed everyman shoes instead of trying to wear Bruce Willis’ big boy action boots. Jason Lee is a genius in this movie. Jay and Silent Bob barely appear in this, still to date Smith’s best movie. This is not a coincidence.

Donnie Brasco – Ah, when Johnny Depp played human beings instead of a sequence of space alien schoolgirls in a variety of funny hair. Come back, Johnny, I miss you, man. Al Pacino in Donnie Brasco . . . oh man. Do you remember this performance? Do you remember him leaving his watch behind as he goes to his fate? How is this movie not better remembered? I see Brasco on the Godfather/Goodfellas axis, with Godfather showing the upper class, Goodfellas the middle class, and Brasco the working stiffs of the mob.

Face/Off – This is a pretty special movie. Something that John Woo should keep in mind as he makes his movies: He’s so over-the-top in such a self-serious way that the only thing to do is to cast in the lead roles crazy people who don’t mind dialing the scenery chewing up to 11, the better to make your film the comedy it really is. Face/Off is a masterpiece of ludicrous cheese. I loved every silly second of it. And you know what? Cage and Travolta are GREAT in this. I won’t hear otherwise.

The Fifth Element – John Baptiste Emanuel ZORG. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Funny Games – This home-invasion exercise in sadism and audience implication is an early stage-setter for Michael Haneke. He went and made a near shot-for-shot English remake a few years back for some reason. I haven’t seen it yet. It scares me.

The Game – David Fincher, Michael Douglas, Sean Penn, and about 7000 plot holes. I don’t care, this one is fan-flipping-tastic. One of the best genre pictures and one of the most under-rated movies of the year and many other years around it. You know what? Between this and Face/Off and The Fifth Element and Donnie Brasco and The Butcher Boy and The Apostle, this is turning into an absolute killer year for movies with either great cheese factor or great performances, or both, and some fantastic genre pieces . . . it’s just very weird, because I don’t think most of these are properly loved even now. It’s like that monster boat took the whole year in film down to the bottom of the Atlantic with it.

Gattaca – Another under-rated sleeper. This one’s actually sort of B-level, not as smart as it thinks it is (and surrounded by movies that are smarter than they let on) but it brought us Jude Law and it still is shorthand for “genetic science moral quandary.”

Good Will Hunting – Wow. Watch this movie again and tell me if I’m wrong but . . .it’s just really uneven, isn’t it? The parts that are good (starting with Matt Damon, who is excellent in the title role) are really, really good; but the parts that aren’t (the surface-level pop psychology first and foremost) really aren’t. Nevertheless, it’s a well-remembered film, and one that has Robin Williams mercifully playing the Wise Shrink role in a minor key, which he excels at.

Jackie Brown – I know I sound like a fanboy, but Quentin Tarantino hasn’t made a bad movie yet. However, his penchant for surprising stylistic turns has disappointed his fans before, and Brown was a big first bump in the road for people expecting more Reservoir Dogs/Pulp Fiction from QT. This Elmore Leonard adaptation is top-notch, though, and the themes of finding your place in a world you’re aging out of are just starting to ring true for me. I think this may be a film you age into, which is all the more extraordinary considering that it was made by a guy in his early thirties. Check it out again, and marvel at the nearly full minute of screen time Samuel L. Jackson’s character is given to think about who stole his mothafuckin’ money. Not many movies have the trust in the audience and actors to allow these sorts of beats.

LA Confidential – One of the best neo-noirs ever. Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce just popped out of nowhere to become major stars in their own right. Kevin Spacey gives one of his better performances right in the middle of a pretty sick tear of great performances. Kim Basinger channels old-school Hollywood star wattage. This is a crime flick of the best kind, the kind that just doesn’t get made all that much. I sort of wish I was watching it again.

Lost Highway – This would be a much more critically beloved (or at least acclaimed) movie, I’m convinced, if it weren’t seen as such a dry run for the all time David Lynch classic, Mulholland Drive, released a few year later. Still, if 1997 has a creepier scene than the “Call me/Ask me” bit between Bill Pullman and Robert Blake, I am not aware of it.

Men In Black – Will Smith arrived in Independence Day. He blasted off in this, but my favorite moments of MIB come from bit players, like David Cross as a David Cross kind of person and Siobhan Fallon as the confused wife of the movie’s comedic masterpiece, Edgar the Bug Man (Vincent D’Onofrio).

Princess Mononoke – Japan’s highest grosser (I think) until the Great Big Boat That Could (Sink) came along. That was a long time on top there, Princess Mononoke. I’d like to say this: Animator Hideo Miyizaki is a friggin’ genius, and everybody should watch every single one of his movies. That said, Mononoke is one of his lesser efforts, in quality if not in scope. I like my Miyazaki dreamy.

Starship Troopers – Haven’t seen this war against aliens cum satire of military fascism, but it (and the films of Paul Verhovan in general) are getting a critical reclaimation. Maybe it’s time to.

The Sweet Hereafter – Atom Egoyan’s devastating masterpiece of sorrow. Ian Holm as an ambulance chaser who secretly shares in the mourning of a town that lost their children in one fell swoop. This movie will hurt you and help you. It has often appeared at or near the top of critic’s “best of the 90s” lists. It is entirely, terribly and unequivocally great.

Titanic – Hold on . . .

Wag the Dog – Mainly remembered today for popularizing a phrase that was already sort of out there. This David Mamet production features Robert DeNiro as a politico and Dustin Hoffman as a film producer who make a war up out of whole cloth because the president wants to distract the country. This was a satire until 2003, at which point it retroactively became a documentary.


"Rose, listen to me. You need to live. You need to go on. In about 35 years a baby named Celine Dion will be born in Canada. You have to kill that baby. So it is very important that you don't die."

And the Time-Delayed Oscar Goes To:

Best Picture:

Real List: As Good As It Gets, The Full Monty, Good Will Hunting, LA Confidential, Titanic

Today’s List: As Good As It Gets, Boogie Nights, Good Will Hunting, LA Confidential, Titanic

My Pick: The Sweet Hereafter

This kind of hurts. First, let me say that I saw Titanic in the theaters, and I really liked it at the time. I thought (and still think) that in many ways it was a very well-made and involving motion picture.

That being said, whether you think it was good or whether you think it was nightmarishly awful, we can all come together to admit that this wasn’t the best movie of this or any year, right? The script hit all the right story beats, albeit in a totally by-the-numbers sort of way, but the dialogue was occasionally cringe-worthy, and some of the acting (looking at you, Billy Zane) was imported from the silent era of very big mugging.

I liked Titanic. It’s a throwback spectacle movie (few films suffer more in the translation to home video), and at its best it puts you right there on the boat. At its worst, it plays you a Celine Dion tune while an old lady throws a piece of fashion jewelry right over the side.

Titanic was in some aspects a great movie, in some aspects a merely good movie, and in some aspects not all that good at all. Wherever you land, I bet you do not consider it the best movie of the year, and I think in time we’ll ALL know that.

But you know what? This movie was such a phenomenon that more than a decade’s time just isn’t enough. I kind of think it would still win the Oscar even today. It was HA-YUGE, people. Whereas The Sweet Hereafter, which I still believe will win posterity, was very tiny. So my pick for the movie that would probably win Best Picture of 1997, even today, is, sigh, Titanic.

Best Actor

Difficult to say. Jack Nicholson took it this year for what is still a beloved role. This was sort of the last time he really got a chance to play The Feisty Jack Nicholson Guy instead of The Almost-Dead Guy With Moobs and Broccoli Eyebrows, and he does it really, really well in a very funny performance. He may still be the guy to beat. However, there’s a lot of people who might fit the bill, based on the fact that they gave more impressive performances rather than resting on an established movie-star persona. Russell Crowe in LA Confidential, Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, Ian Holm in The Sweet Hereafter, Eamonn Owen in The Butcher Boy, and Johnny Depp and Al Pacino both in Donnie Brasco, all fit the bill. (This was a VERY good year for performances, at least male lead performances.)

But really, guys? It’s Robert Duvall this year. See The Apostle and tell me otherwise. It’s one of the performances of the decade. I think this has been forgotten, but I spent all my cynicism on the Best Picture category. It’s time to recognize.

Best Actress

If it’s possible that Jack doesn’t win anymore, there’s no way Helen Hunt can still ride those coat-tails, especially given the exactly nothing of note that she’s delivered to the silver screen since then. Once again, though, we’re faced with a chronic Hollywood malady: The Curse Of The Not Many Well-Developed Roles for Women. They really they probably could have spent a bit more time naming that malady.

You know who I think gets it? Pam Grier for Jackie Brown. It’s a great role made just for her and she is awesome in it. There was Oscar talk for her in 1997 but the movie underperformed and she didn’t even get a nomination. She shines in Jackie Brown. Give her the gold.

What was the Best Picture of 1997? Don't sit here asking -- vote!

I am Number Four

2011-03-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

I don't often get to see movies in the theater.

But after a particularly bad run at the poker table, last week, I found myself in line at the Tropicana to see, "I am Number Four."

This movie stars Alex Pettyfer as seemingly all-American teenager until an incident while making googly eyes with a girl out in the ocean, sends him and his father, Timothy Olyphant, on the run.

Turns out Alex, or "John Smith," isn't an American teen at all, he's one of nine survivors of a destroyed planet and Olyphant isn't his dad, he's his alien guardian warrior. The incident in the ocean was a third mark burning itself into his skin, indicating that the third of the nine survivors had been killed by the alien terrorists chasing them. Now, John is on the run because three of his countrymen are dead and he is number four.

Now, a movie with extremely high coolness potential, takes a turn for Boringville, Ohio. Literally.

John Smith and his guardian move to small town Ohio where it turns out that an alien hunter who was helping John's kind has disappeared. John befriends the man's son AND falls in love with the pretty blond, Dianna Agron, whose previous claim to fame is playing the pregnant teen Quinn Fabray on Glee. A full hour of this high crap and then the alien terrorists finally tracks down Number Four! But by then you are in a coma out of which no amount of special effect explosions can roust you.

Also, at 1:45, you also quickly realize there is no way they can finish this story in time.

And you'd be right. I am Number Four is clearly set up to be "the first" of a series of some kind.

I doubt the other movies will ever be made though. It was terrible. The best part of the movie is Timothy Olyphant and his, um...well...what's a non spoiler way of saying "won't be available for the sequel"?

Blah. Definite skipola.

A Tyler Perry movie I might watch

2011-02-28T18:48:00.001-08:00

via Ken Wheaton

March Movie Sanity

2011-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

Why is everything madness all the time? What has happened to us as a people?

Let Me In [Blu-ray] (2010)
This is a creepy vampire movie. Creepy because it's about little kids. And it's supposed to be about first love, but one of the first love people is a hundred year old vampire who looks 12. And of course, a boy who gets bullied at school. You know what's awesome when you're a 12 year old boy who gets bullied at school? Vampire girlfriend.

Jack Goes Boating (2010)

Bleech. Seymour Hoffman changes himself to impress that weird woman who plays Michael Scott's girlfriend on The Office. She's weird too and thinks everyone is trying to rape her. Or she does get raped a lot, the movie leaves that ambiguous. I dunno. It's strange and too "indie."

Stone (2010)

Um... the guy who plays Worm in Rounders is in this...with Robert Dinero. It should have been better than it was. As it is, it was NOT good. Worm is in prison, applying for parole. Deniro is his parole officer who is like a super religious guy who doesn't believe in second chances, but he also beats his wife. Worm sends his own wife to plead his case with Deniro. They end up having an affair. So now of course, Deniro has to approve Worm's parole. Blah.

A Handful of Dust (1988)

Adaptation of an Evelyn Waugh novel. Can I just say the movie is all Victorian and la di da and Paddington Estates and then she leaves her husband for lover... but THEN it has the bestest ending ever! Not worth renting the movie and it's over 20 years old and based on a book, so I'll just tell you: the husband goes on safari "to clear his head," and ends up being kidnapped by a madman in the jungle who keeps him prisoner to read books! DUUUDE! If more movies ended with people who go "to find themselves" being kidnapped by illiterate madmen, more people would stay their damn asses home and take care of their responsibilities.

Life As We Know It [Blu-ray] (2010)

It's the blond girl from Grey's Anatomy and Fergie's husband. They hate each other, but their best friends are married. Then their best friends die and leave them joint custody of their one year old daughter. And they move in together to raise the child. Awww. It's just like Romeo and Juliet!

Abandoned [Blu-ray] (2010)

I rented this because it was Brittany Murphy's last film. She died so young. SO SO SO YOUNG! Oh, this movie is awful though. If she weren't dead, I would now be threatening to kill her. Alas. R.I.P.

For Colored Girls [Blu-ray] (2010)

I didn't hate this movie. It's dramatic. Real real bad things happen to the characters, but there's no preachy message and they sort of triumph in the end. You know, as much as you can triumph after your family has been murdered, you've been raped by your date and gotten HIV from your closeted husband.

Superheroes (2006)

It's a movie but it looks like a documentary. It's about a group therapy...um...group for injured war veterans. We see it through the eyes of the weird 20-year-old volunteer who is videotaping the sessions. He befriends one of the vets. They go on a camping trip together. Raise your hands if you think this ends well.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles [Those Aren't Pillows Edition] (1987)

This is movie was okay. I'd heard so much about it through the years, I thought it would be awesome. Instead, it was a series of inane problems followed by even more inane solutions. You're snowed in at an airport? Sleep at the airport until the flights head out in the morning. There. I've made this movie 10 minutes long and more interesting. I did laugh at the wrong way down the highway part.

Welcome to the Rileys (2010)

Man goes on a business trip to New Orleans. Goes to a strip club. Meets a stripper about the age of his dead daughter. Decides to move in with her to take care of her. His wife in Chicago decides to come down to help. O_O. Um. How come it's always the white hooker girls who find salvation through the sex industry?

Never Let Me Go (2010)
You don't know what this movie is about at first...so I'm not sure I should say. I liked it, think you should see it. It elicits interesting moral questions. But the characters aren't annoying.

Conviction (2010)

You know where all the characters are annoying? In this movie. It's based on the true story of a high school drop out who gets her GED, goes to college, graduates law school and passes the bar after her brother is convicted of murder.

Megamind

This movie wasn't awful...though there's about forty minutes sorta right in the middle where you will sigh and say "this movie is awful." I really don't think it's for kids...unless you've got some twisted kids over there...in which case I don't think they should watch this movie either...they might get ideas. Overlordy ideas. The premise is that there is a good superhero and a bad supervillain and one day the bad guy wins. What now?

You Again

Now THIS is an awful movie. I just don't get it. The cast: Kristen Bell, Betty White, Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Curtis should have been able to do better with this premise of two generations of high school rivalries facing the prospect of becoming family via marriage. But nope. It's terrible from the first "oh look Kristen Bell is the ugly girl" scene to the "look now everybody is dancing the Macarena together" final scene.

Dark Victory

I must have been in a Bette Davis mood one day, cause Netflix keeps sending me these old Davis movies. In this one she is a pants wearing, scotch drinking horse rider from a wealthy family. She gets diagnosed with an incurable glioma, but her family and friends decide to lie and say the surgery was successful. She finds out the truth. Dun dun dun. It's okay.

Persepolis

This is an animated motion picture version of the autobiographical graphic novel of this Iranian ex patriot's life. It's excellent. You love her as a little girl, love her family and are sad about what happens to them and their country. Yep, I feel sorry for Iran. That's some good storytelling right there.

CJ7

This is another movie from the Ku-Fu Hustle people. It's about a single dad struggling to send his kid to a fancy prep school even though they are so poor the kid wears hand me downs from the dump to school. He is teased mercilessly and one day throws a tantrum in the toy store cause he wants the hot new toy all the other kids have. His dad goes rummaging around the dump and finds something quite special. CJ7! It's cute.

Shaolin Soccer

Again, same people as Kung Fu hustle, but nowhere as good. It's weird and doesn't really make any sense.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

The new one. I've never seen the original (I have enough problems sleeping without Freddy nightmares.) But I had a hunch the remake would be lame enough for me to handle. I was right. Meh. One cool fight scene toward the end, but the lines were your hackneyed C list movie level.

Friday the 13th

Ditto. The new version is lame. (I did see the original of this one.) It stars Rory's doofus first love from Gilmore Girls. Everybody dies by variations of getting stabbed in the head... after a while it loses the gore factor. Ooh, there is a whole Lagavulin scene in it though, just for @astinto.

Case 39

Oh. My. God. I picked up this Renee Zwellwegger flick and expected the utter worst. She plays a social worker who has 38 cases of neglected kids on her plate when her boss comes over and hands her a new one. Yeah, lame right? Uh uh. Thirty minutes later, I'm screaming my head off, swearing off having further contact with any children anywhere and trying to hide. Good lord it scared the crap out of me!

Not Easily Broken

Er... I don't know why Blockbuster sent me this tale of a marriage on the rocks. There's a lot of baptist church scenes and crazy, neck snapping black women emasculating their poor black husbands until they run straight into the arms of a white woman, so naturally I blamed Tyler Perry. But no, tis reverend TJ Jakes what was to blame. Awful.

Ace Ventura: when nature calls

No clue why, of all the Jim Carrey comedies, Blockbuster would send the *sequel* to Ace Ventura. I mean, how am I to understand what's happening without the benefit of the original?! I half watched it while falling asleep. Wretched.

Middle Men

Owen Wilson's brother plays a straight man who gets mixed up with the inventors of online p*rn. He sees the dollar signs and spirals into a world of mobsters and kiddie p*rnographers. It's decent.

My Soul to Take

Is in the boogie man genre of horror. There are some gruesome deaths, you aren't quite sure who the killer is until the end, so it serves it's purpose. And it's got a black kid!

I am love

This movie is in Italian. It's set in Italy. The cinematography is simply breathtaking. Did I do that right? That's the classy way of saying an arty movie sucks, yes? It's about a redheaded Russian housewife who is a whore. O_o

You will meet a tall dark stranger

Ugh. Yet another in what I'm calling the "Viagra Genre," of films. Basically, Anthony Hopkins is 400 years old, leaves his 300 year old wife and marries a 20-year-old hooker. Then his daughter's husband leaves her for the across the hall neighbor who changes without drawing her window blinds and he steals a novel from a guy in a coma. Ugh. Retarded. The whole thing is retarded. #NoSarahPalin

Time-Delayed Oscars: 1996

2011-02-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

Cross-Posted at The_Goat Speaks.

You know the old saying: “An awesome, fun vacation with your family will wreak havoc with your schedule for a series of Time-Delayed Oscars blog posts”?

Well, that saying is true.

Anyway, this week brings us to 1996, which I think was a year that actually happened once, though Wikipedia is still asking for a citation to verify this. Since it’s been a while, here’s a refresher for the groundlings:

Time Delayed Oscars is predicated on the idea that time itself picks the true quality in movies. Each year, we the mass of casual movie watchers, film aficionados, and habitual renters decide which movies will last in the public consciousness; we do this by deciding what we still want to watch, through pop culture references, through pastiche, through homage, and even through which posters we put on our dorm room walls.

Here we go.

"Listen honey, I know you're not a big Monty Python fan, but I've got
to ask: This would be the perfect time to do the whole 'I'm not dead yet'
routine from Grail. Chance of a lifetime. Would you mind?"

All The Movies of 1996

Sometimes These Come Back

Bottle Rocket – This one is special, guys. You know those bullets that make a tiny entrance wound but an exit wound the size of a pie plate? That’s this movie. Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson (and yes, OK, Luke Wilson, too) made a tiny little splash in the cinematic ocean with Bottle Rocket, but since then there’s been an explosion underwater somewhere. Without a doubt Anderson’s least polished work, it’s still one of his best. A little classic.

Breaking the Waves – Emily Watson and the rather divisive auteur Lars von Trier first came to the attention of the general U.S. moviegoing public when Watson received a (well-deserved) Oscar nomination for her devastating portrayal of a devout, nearly suicidally-sacrificial young woman (a recurring theme of von Trier’s). The rather controversial ending is still a favorite of mine, as von Trier breaks the naturalistic, gritty formalism of his self-created “Dogma 95” rules in an audacious commentary on the divide between religion and divinity.

The Cable Guy – The first Jim Carrey box office disappointment is also the first Jim Carrey movie to hint at the strains of darkness and complexity that would mark some of Old Rubberface’s more interesting roles.

The English Patient – This is 1996’s Best Picture laureate, which should come as no surprise, since it’s essentially the How To Make A Best Picture template. It’s beautifully shot and gorgeous to look at. It’s well-acted by British people. It’s historical. It’s epic. It’s very tastefully done. It has basically no sharp edges or anything that might be the slightest bit challenging (it completely jettisons the moment in the book when the gentle-nature Sikh sapper Kip explodes in fury at the dropping of atomic bombs in Nagasaki and Hiroshima, which is only one of the two emotional climaxes). I don’t know if anybody is interested in watching it again, ever, or why they might want to do so, short of curiosity after finishing Michael Ondaatje’s superb novel. It also has Colin Firth in a supporting role, and Colin Firth is the star of a very nicely-acted British historical movie called The King’s Speech. I don’t know why I brought that up.

Everyone Says I Love You – Am I the only person who thinks this was Woody Allen’s most enjoyable movie –by a mile – of the nineties? A return to a sort of silly whimsical Woody, and most of the cast doesn’t embarrass themselves with the singing. Also, any movie that has two dozen Groucho Marxes (Grouchoes Marx?) in pith helmets singing “Hooray for Captain Spaulding” in French is going to be Good People in my book.

Fargo – For some reason, Fargo represents the moment when the world at large started paying attention to the Coen Brothers; kind of analogous to the moment when your favorite indie band turns into a rock superpower. I think this is middle-drawer Coens, which is still a very good movie indeed. It’s top of the middle drawer. Maybe bottom of the top drawer. Anyway, people are still watching and quoting and thinking about Fargo, its pregnant no-nonsense sheriff, its wood chipper, its impeccably staged double-murders, and its deadpan aping of Northern Midwest patois, but I remain bemused that this was the breakout album and not (say) Miller’s Crossing or Raising Arizona.

Fear – I don’t think this is remembered, but I do remember seeing the box in the video store. It was the moment I thought, “Huh. So I guess they’re going to keep letting Marky Mark make movies.”

Flirting With Disaster – David O. Russell’s studio debut (he made an uber indie called Spanking the Monkey) with Daniel Faraday a few years prior. I haven’t seen it. Anybody here still love it?

Hamlet – Man, Kenneth Branagh was on fire with this faithful Shakespeare adaptation. To my tastes, this is 95% the most gorgeously made movie of the year (the other 5%, in particular the ghost scene and some ill-advised stunt casting, went for the gusto and missed), and Branagh gives one of the performances of the decade as the Dane. Strangely, I’m in a minority here; the movie hasn’t had much attention in the last 15 years. I’m including it anyway, because this is THE definitive film Hamlet.

Happy Gilmore – King Adam Sandler ruled for 12 years. This is by consensus his best movie. Let’s all say it together: “The Price is WRONG, bitch!”

Hard Eight – P.T. Anderson’s debut is a twisty little noir. It’s not much known, but I include it here as a sign of what was to come.

Independence Day – This big stupid summer blockbuster distinguishes itself from the mass of big dumb summer blockbusters that have been completely forgotten for two reasons: First, it’s so committed to its big and its dumb that it achieves a sort of lasting purity, and second, (Bad Boys aside) this was the moment when Will Smith broke loose from the sitcom set and established himself as a Big Damn Star. Welcome to earth, indeed.

The Island of Dr. Moreau – A massive stinkbomb that effectively killed both Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando. A camp classic today.

Jerry Maguire – SHOW ME THE MONEY! A big hit when it came out, it then surprised everybody (by which I mean me) when it got nominated for a bunch of Oscars, including Picture and Actor. Cuba Gooding Jr.even won for Best Supporting Actor, and immediately parlayed his newfound credibility into forming a production company dedicated to creating genuine artistic expression. Either that, or he started making movies that required him to bug out his eyes a lot and share the screen with talking dogs. Oy. Anyway, Maguire remains one of the most-liked movies of this year. And it has a kid with like a 70 lb. head in it.

Kingpin – We all know now that this – and not There’s Something About Mary – is the best of the Farrelly Brothers’ movies, right? Right? Good. Let’s move on.

Lone Star – This slow paced, character driven story about a Texas sheriff solving a decades-old crime is the last time that I can remember John Sayles getting widespread critical praise. It was a little movie that few had heard of when it came out, and it remains just that, but when critics talk about the greats of the year (or sometimes even of the entire decade), this one will invariably be on the list.

Mars Attacks! – This completely insane movie is the last Tim Burton film that I actually like without qualifications. You need to surrender to the madness and let go of expectations, though, or you’re in for a rough 90 or so minutes.

Mission: Impossible – Only memorable today for that “lowered by wires” sequence.

The Nutty Professor – The movie that taught Eddie Murphy that putting on multiple fat suits equals bags full of money. For this reason alone, it should be put into a space capsule and fired directly into the sun.

Primal Fear – Ho hum, dumb little Richard Gere thriller. Oh, here comes Ed Norton, the most talented actor of his generation. Holy crap!

Sling Blade – mmm hmmm, sure do love them French fried per-tay-ters. This movie gave the world Billy Bob Thornton, as well as a bunch of people constantly saying that last sentence. You decide if that’s a good thing.

Swingers – The movie that taught douchebags how to behave! Actually, it’s aware of their character’s flaws, even if many of the film’s fans aren’t, so we won’t blame Jon Favreau and company. Notable for Vince Vaughan’s hilarious portrayal of fast-talking uber-dip Trent “Double Down” Walker, which made him an instant star and created the persona that he’ll never escape.

Tin Cup – The last gasp of Kevin Costner’s career was actually a lot of fun. This is one of the more under-rated sports movies in recent(ish) memory.

Trainspotting – This tale of the rapid disintegration of four junkies and their drunken homicidal cohort introduced us to Ewan MacGregor and director Danny Boyle (if you didn’t see their excellent tiny indie thriller Shallow Grave a year before, that is). It’s still a frenetic good time, until it morphs into a grim psycho-horror. Then a good time again. Then horror. Then . . .

Waiting for Guffman – Christopher Guest’s re-invigoration of the mockumentary is one of the funniest movies of the 90s. If Oscar were a little more friendly to comedies, I’d put it on the nomination list.

"No, he's not Bruce Willis. He's Peter Stomare. He's the IKEA Bruce
Willis, which means that he's Swedish and not 100% properly assembled."

And The Time-Delayed Oscars Go To:

Best Picture:

Real List: The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Secrets & Lies, Shine

Today’s List: The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Lone Star, Trainspotting

My Pick: Hamlet

The Winner: I’ve already detailed the reasons that I think The English Patient would no longer win the big prize. I honestly was expecting to de-nominate it (and I sort of liked it), but in reviewing 1996 I am faced with the fact that it was a really bad year for film. So, Patient is still on the short list, but the race for the TDO is between Fargo and Jerry Maguire. I’m fairly torn. Both of them are still well-loved modern classics that have been uploaded into the collective consciousness, but neither of them stands out to me as an obvious choice for a win. Maguire definitely has the edge when it comes to how much of the script has entered our vocabulary (though I’m not sure if that helps or hinders a perception of quality), while the Coen Brothers, outsiders of sorts in 1996, have become Oscar darlings in the last few years. I want to call it a tie, but a man’s got to take a stand eventually. I think that if the Academy gave out the 1996 do-over awards this year, you’d probably see Fargo take it – and immediately face popular opinion that Maguire was robbed.

Here’s an interesting thought that I haven’t encountered until now: The assumption of Time Delayed Oscars is that it allows a more objective view of a film’s historical significance and staying power, shorn of the hype/money machine that now permeates the Yearly Awards Cycle (which is itself now longer than the NHL season), and might act as a tonic to Oscar’s habit of awarding somebody for a lesser work because of their prodigious body of previously unawarded work (see Scorsese, Martin). However, it seems possible that a lesser movie may get a boost because of its film-maker’s prodigious collective body of work since then.

Turns out there is nothing that Tom Cruise could be yelling here
funnier than "I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!!!"

Best Actor: I don’t think Geoffrey Rush would get the prize for a hammy performance in a dull movie (Shine) that is now generally recognized as such. Personally, I’d give this prize to Kenneth Branagh for Hamlet, but I know I’m the only person banging that gong. Tom Cruise has really damaged his career lately, but that’s really only taken him from “biggest star in the world who everybody loves” to “one of the ten biggest stars in the world who everybody thinks is weird”, which also describes Johnny Depp. Jerry Maguire is still beloved, and the whole thing falls apart without the cocky desperation that he invests in his title character (watch that shark’s grin start to glisten with flop sweat as unctuous Jay Mohr fires him). I don’t think there’s anybody else in 1996 that could have played that part, and Cruise does so to perfection. If not Cruise, then maybe Woody Harrelson in The People vs. Larry Flynt, but that movie is pretty much dust by now. I say Cruise.

Best Actress: The thing about Francis McDormand’s turn as Sheriff Marge Gunderson is that, while certainly iconic, it was a supporting role (strangely, William H. Macy, the closest thing that Fargo had to a lead role, was nominated in the supporting category). Meanwhile, Emily Watson’s performance in Breaking the Waves remains astonishing (do yourself a favor and check that movie out). I think she gets the golden boy in a fairly weak year. Even though the movie she appeared in is not broadly remembered from a popular standpoint, von Trier is still a relevant director today, and so one of his early and more universally well-regarded entries would still get consideration.

Time-Delayed Oscars: 1995

2011-02-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

I predicted a three-way race in the poll for 1993, and I got a three-way race. It just wasn’t the race I was expecting. Forrest Gump was left in the dust as Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption contended with . . . Four Weddings and a Funeral. Given that The Real Dawn Summers is the first person in 15 years that I have ever heard expressing any sort of enthusiasm for that movie …well, let’s just say I’m skeptical. Do I suspect her of ballot stuffing? I can't say. But yes.

In all seriousness, I’m having a blast with this, especially when I discover those movies I thought had thought sunk beneath the sand are still alive and well in the hearts of one of you, or maybe more than one. Speaking of “more than one”, I had better give some love to Quiz Show, a 1994-nominee that was seen as a potential winner that year. Robert Redford’s historical picture about the quiz show scandals of the 50s is still very much loved by many of you. I haven’t seen it since it was first out, and though I remember it as being good, I’d heard very little love sent its way over the years and I left it off. I may have been wrong on that count; certainly a number of you made sure I knew that.

Anyway, let’s not let all this finger-pointing keep us from 1995.

Mel Gibson, in the hot tub, finally getting what he demanded.

You Know What Do Do. All the 1995 Movies

And The Keepers:

The American President – Otherwise known as the last Rob Reiner movie worth a damn, one of the few movies that lets Michael Douglas be charming rather than sleazy, the movie with that inspired hit TV shows for supporting actors Michael J. Fox (Spin City) and Martin Sheen (The West Wing), and a damn fine entertainment in the Frank Capra model.

Apollo 13 – Otherwise known as Ron Howard’s best movie to date. Tom Hanks continued his winning streak with the real tale of stranded astronauts, but the role I’ll always remember from this movie is Ed Harris’ mission controller. I think he probably deserved the supporting Oscar in an understated role (Kevin Spacey won this year for what was basically a lead in The Usual Suspects). I really appreciate this movie’s style; quiet and unassuming and straight-foward, much like its subjects.

Babe – Otherwise known as the “that’ll do, pig” movie. I’m done with this “otherwise known as” theme now.

Bad Boys – The movie that put Michael Bay on the map and established Wil Smith as a credible action hero. Actually a pretty fun action movie, if typically bom-Bay-stic. See what I did there?

The Basketball Diaries – Marky Mark began his transformation from underwear model/crappy rapper into an occasionally brilliant actor with a supporting role. This movie was also notable for a 3 hour scene [citation needed] in which a strung-out Leonardo DiCaprio howls “MOOOOOOONEEEEEEY” at his mother.

Braveheart – Mel Gibson hasn’t really done himself any favors recently. He was the big Oscar winner in 1995 with this big historical Scottish epic, winning both Best Director and Best Picture. There are still a lot of people – mainly guys – who still consider it one of the greatest movies ever. I saw it after having a) all my wisdom teeth out and b) four Vicodin, so I thought the raining Smurfs during the big climactic shuffleboard game were out of place. Anyway, after blaming all wars on the Jews, howling death threats and racial slurs at his lady-friend, and starring in an inexplicable movie about a man who talks to a beaver puppet on his own hand . . . let me just say that I actually doubt that it would win. In fact, I sort of expect it wouldn’t get nominated. I mean come on. A movie that spends literally half its running time on a subplot where Abe Vigoda struggles with his diabetic Labradoodle’s infertility? The Vicodin was good.

Casino – Essentially this is Goodfellas 2. It was still pretty good for a pale substitute. “Charlie M? You made me pop your eye out of your head for Charlie M??”

Clueless – Don’t know if this one is losing steam or not. It was so much better than I expected an Alicia Silverstone movie to be. I think we're all still surprised.

Dead Man Walking – Good acting, and a surprisingly even-handed look from generally one-sided Tim Robbins on a controversial subject. In most years, I think Sean Penn would have won for his turn here. Not this year, though.

Goldeneye – This is remembered more for the video game than the movie. It’s James Bond. The one where he beat the bad guy. Then he made a quip. It was that one.

Heat – This was recognized as a good movie at the time. Now it’s understood as one of the best crime movies of the nineties. Pacino. DeNiro. They only share one scene together. No matter; the centerpiece bank heist scene is a straight-up marvel. Al Pacino is a ham of the best kind. You know what? I need to watch this again.

Leaving Las Vegas –Nicholas Cage was The Amazing in this one. I’d watch it again to appreciate, but just thinking about this movie has depressed me again.

Othello – I’m cheating on this one. I don’t think many people remember it. But Fishburne as Othello and Branagh as Iago are just great; I can’t simply pass over these performances without mention. Also, how is it that it took us until 1995 to get a black Othello on the screen?

Rob Roy – Gotta say, I preferred this, the other “stalwart Scotsman fights the Evil British for the love of his wo-man’ movie of 1995. There’s just something more believable and earthy about it, and Jessica Lange is dead sexy in it. Liam Neeson and Tim Roth’s swordfight has to be among the most memorable committed to celluloid. No quips, no swashes buckled. Just two guys putting each other in mortal danger with long knives.

Se7en – The greatness of David Fincher begins here. “What’s in the box what in the BOX?” If The Silence of the Lambs started the serial killer genre, Se7evn was the first of its followers to take it in its own direction. I sort of stumbled out of the theater after this one. It was also one of the first movies I went to with the woman who is now my wife. Not a recommended date movie.

Species – This was 1995’s booby movie. I haven’t seen it, but it still gets referenced in popular culture, so them must have been some nice boobies.

To Die For – The first seriously acclaimed performance from Nicole Kidman, and a very young Joaquin Phoenix.

Tommy Boy – The most beloved comedy of this year, and of most other years. I think I speak for all of us when I say that Chris Farley is missed. Holy Schnikies.

Toy Story – Hold on . . .

Twelve Monkeys – Why isn’t Terry Gilliam more of a legend? Twelve Monkeys is one of my favorites of the year. It gave Bruce Willis his best role to date (that “Blueberry Hill” scene kills me), Brad Pitt one of his most interesting ones, and 1995 some of its most striking images. Giraffes on the bridge, yo. Watching the time-travel inevitability click into place was perhaps my favorite movie moment of the year.

The Usual Suspects – This one has turned into an all-time mindscrew/modern noir classic. Notable for giving Benicio Del Toro his first major screen role, miraculously featuring Stephen Baldwin without sucking, and giving Kevin Spacey the lead role that made him a mega-star until his K-PAX moment. It was a lead role, by the way; didn’t keep him from picking up an award for supporting.

Waterworld – Hey,what’s that sinking? Oh, it’s just Kevin Costner’s career. Move along . . . I actually saw this twice. In the theater. On purpose. I didn’t want to see it either time; it just sort of happened. (That’s what SHE said – HEY-O!)

Woody, being an antique toy, was the last to hear the "pull my
finger" joke. He wouldn't stop telling it for days.

And the Time-Delayed Oscars Go To:

Real List: Apollo 13, Braveheart, Babe, Il Postino, Sense and Sensibility

Today’s List: Apollo 13, Heat, Se7en, Toy Story, The Usual Suspects

My Pick: Toy Story

The Winner: I don’t think the Academy knew what to make of Pixar’s blockbuster in 1995, but at this point the studio itself has become a critical darling and a major “star” in its own right. The annual Pixar film is pretty much the only sure bet each year for both box office success and critical acclaim. And it all started with a sheriff named Woody and a spaceman named Buzz. Not only did Pixar’s debut represent a quantum leap forward in computer animation, it irrevocably changed an entire genre of film. You could argue that it represented the same sort of seismic effect on event movies that Star Wars did a couple decades earlier. More importantly, it accomplished all this without ever sacrificing spectacle to character and story, and heart.

That’s why, if the Academy were offered a decade of hindsight, they’d rightfully choose to award the Best Picture of 1995 to Toy Story, making it the first animated movie to take the top prize.

(And I really wish that I could say that 12 Monkeys would be even nominated. It should be, but I don’t think it would be remembered well enough. Too bad.)

And now, after un-nominating nearly the entire Best Picture slate, I'll keep the status quo.

Best Actor: Nicolas Cage. Look, Cage used to be one of the most amazing and unpredictable actors of his generations. He deserved his award in a close one vs. Sean Penn. He’d keep it.

Best Actress: Susan Sarandon. Poor best actress. I’m always sick of writing by the time I get here. Maybe I’ll lead off with it next time. Anyway, Nicole Kidman would make a run at this (she’d certainly at least be nominated this time), as would the boobies from Species, but Sarandon was due and deserving, and the performance still holds up. She wins.

So what was the Best Picture of 1995? Vote! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOMMM!!!

Time-Delayed Oscars: 1994

2011-02-03T18:27:00.000-08:00


"Life is like a feather? But mama always said life was like a box of choc-o-lates. My whole life has been a lie."

Cross-posted at The_Goat_Speaks.

And so it came to pass, that after three years of choosing Best Pictures (Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, Schindler’s List) that upon retrospect actually lived up to the name, the Academy finally started (arguably) screwing up again, making this blog series considerably more interesting. Thank you, Academy!

This wasn’t as strong a year for movies as ’92 or ’93, but the strong movies were very strong. Let’s get this out of the way: 1994 in retrospect is a pretty much a discussion about three movies, and those movies are Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, and The Shawshank Redemption. The first two got a little early retrospective ink when the AFI put them on their sorta-famous Top 100 List. Best Picture winner Gump hit #71, and Oscar runner-up Pulp came in at #95. Meanwhile, Shawshank, which was nominated but won no Oscars, is a fan favorite that spent a goodly amount of time at #1 on the IMDB.com fan rating of Best Movies of All Time.

That’s pretty canonical.

But let’s not break with tradition.

John Travolta, answering the question "How many more
good movies are you going to be in?"

Here’s a list of ALL the movies of 1994.

And Those Not Forgotten:

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective – Yes, it’s a really dumb movie. Nevertheless, it deposited Jim Carrey, a genuine talent, onto the national consciousness, and uploaded a half-dozen or so phrases into the cultural lexicon. It earned its spot.

The Chase – I’m cheating; nobody remembers this ridiculous Charlie Sheen/Kristi Swanson romance/comedy/chase film. But rent it and see if it isn’t a big fun pile of dumb with notable appearances by Red Hot Chili Peppers and Henry Rollins. Also fun, notice that Sheen realizes he is in a terrible and ridiculous movie and has fun with it, while Swanson apparently seems to think she is in an Important Movie. This is, of course, the funniest thing about the film.

Clerks – The film that launched Kevin Smith, a million Jay and Silent Bob movies, crashed through at least two or three barriers for ribald language, and looked like it was filmed using the location’s security cameras. Still arguably Smith’s best effort, though that’s been a case of diminishing returns for a while now.

Dumb and Dumber – Wow, Jim Carrey made a lot of movies all at once. He also made The Mask in 1994, which I didn’t list here. I remember Dumb and Dumber best for the moment when Jeff Daniels just BLASTS that lady in the face with a huge iceball. That snow way to treat a lady, Jeff. (See what I just did there?)

Ed Wood – Will probably be remembered as Tim Burton’s best film. I actually didn’t like it all that much when I saw it back in the day. It probably deserves a revisit, but Burton’s career since at least Sleepy Hollow doesn’t really encourage a retrospective. I remember thinking that Johnny Depp was pretty good and Martin Landau was over-rated. I am pretty sure that this was because I wanted Samuel L. Jackson to win for Pulp Fiction, and Landau eventually scooped the Best Supporting trophy. Anyway, Ed Wood still has many admirers. Maybe someday I will be one.

Forrest Gump – This movie was huge in 1994, Jin-Naaay. HUUUUGE! In retrospect it’s still a pretty solid movie, though tonally its all over the place, and at times it feels like a soundtrack first and a movie second. I think Gump has lost the most ground of 1994’s Big Three. It’s so much a paean to the Boomer generation that I wonder if it might not turn into an oddity after a few more decades. Then again, you’ve gotta love that ice-cream linen suit. Did you know Haley Joel Osment plays Forrest’s love child?

Heavenly Creatures – Critics are somewhat divided on Peter Jackson’s enduring mega-hit trilogy, The Lord of the Rings: What Do You Mean, There Are Eagles That Can Just Fly Us Anywhere? However, they are pretty much in accord on this, the movie that gave New Line the confidence to hand a cubic crap-ton of money over to the unproven director of (up until now) schlock gross-out horror comedies. It’s very likely that if you handed the Oscars over solely to critics groups, Heavenly Creatures would win Best Picture and be in the running for best of the decade. This movies is also notable for giving Kate Winslett her first major role.

Hoop Dreams – This is largely considered to be one of the greatest documentaries of all time, one of the great sports movies, an invaluable social document, and a great story. This movie will run you through the ringer.

Legends of the Fall – And the Reign of King Pitt will last a million years. Lock up your women. Was this movie any good? I never saw it. I understand that Brad is fairly dreamy here.

The Lion King – It’s the ciiiiiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife! This was actually a fairly artfully made Disney movie, and I think it remains the pinnacle for them in terms of overall success in hand-drawn animation. Hakuna matada, fool. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Natural Born Killers – Don’t actually remember how well-remember this movie is. It was a pretty big deal at the time. Might have been Oliver Stone’s last gasp.

Nell – I don't think it is actually still watched, but I keep hearing this movie get referenced, mainly to say that somebody who makes no sense is “like Jodie Foster in Nell.” Did anybody see it?

Nobody’s Fool – Paul Newman is perfection, in general and in this movie. This was his last great role, and this movie is one of the most under-rated of the decade.

PCU – A movie that was trying to be Animal House for the 90s, and you know what? I think it succeeded. I know I’m not the only person to remember it fondly. Early exposure here for Jeremy “Ari” Piven and Jon Favreau.

Pulp Fiction – Hold on . . .

The Shawshank Redemption – Hold on . . .

Speed – The first big role for Sandra Bullock. The birth of Keanu as a credible action hero (we now understand Point Break to be a comedy). Also, a city bus jumps about 7 city blocks. Big fun.

Three Colors: White – Actually, even among fans of the Three Colors trilogy, White is usually considered the least of the three. But if I left it out, you’d be all like, “Hey Goat! What is the third color? Huh, Goat? WHAT IS THE THIRD COLOR???” So, here it is.

Three Colors: Red – And then we have the movie in the trilogy that is best-remembered. It even got Kieślowski a nomination for Best Director. I know that of the listed movies, the Three Colors films are the ones your average movie fan is least likely to have heard of (though it’s not super-obscure). But you should do yourself a favor and check them out. They are most worthy.

True Lies – If there can be a James Cameron film that is considered “little known” it would probably be this one. A big hit 16 years ago, sort of a footnote today. I have a theory that action movies, while obviously the huge money makers of their times, are tied so closely to the rapidly rising bar of expected spectacle that they start to seem quaint more quickly. Check out The Towering Inferno today, and you may see what I mean. Anyway, I don’t know if anybody will be thinking about True Lies in another ten years.

"Oh man, this feels great. I've been avoiding the shower for 32 years.
You know, because of all the rape."

And the Time-Delayed Oscars Go To . . .

Best Picture

Real List: Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption

Today’s List: Heavenly Creatures, Hoop Dreams, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption

My Pick: Pulp Fiction

The Winner: Of the 1994 big three, I love Pulp best, and always will. I think it’s the most audacious, the most iconic, the most creative and clever, the best characters, ultimately the most influential. It’s great. It’s pretty obviously surpassed Forrest Gump in terms of film history. But it wouldn’t win Best Picture in a redo. Another film has leapfrogged it in overall Oscar-winning juice.

That film is The Shawshank Redemption. Remember that 1997 AFI list? The one that placed Gump as the 71^st best movie of all time? The one that put Pulp at 95^th? Well, the AFI re-did that list in 2007 (basically the same sort of thing that I’m doing here, except a whole lot more people read it than read this). They cut out around 20 movies. They moved Pulp up a notch, to #94. They moved Gump down five pegs to #76. And they installed Shawshank above both of them at #72.

Some movies are the big movie of the moment. Others are iconic, and creative, and audacious. Some are just classics, and classics are a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

I have a feeling that by 2017, AFI will have realized that Gump isn’t one of the 100 best movies of all time. I expect that Pulp will have moved up the chain a bit, as well. And I have a feeling that Shawshank will have notched just a little bit higher, just a little bit. Slowly working its way up, as patient as a convict chipping away his wall with a tiny rock hammer.

Time to read in my Morgan Freeman voice: Shawshank Redemption was a box-office flop when it first came out, but I could see something in it. A shine, a sort of an easy way of being. Yes, I suppose you could say I liked Shawshank from the first. I hope it will be waiting for me on AFIs 2017 list. I hope that its still as uplifting as I remember in my dreams. I hope . . .

Best Actor

I’m going to go ahead and say that Forrest Gump wouldn’t have a prayer at respectability if not for Tom Hanks. Without the choices he makes in a fairly limiting role, Gump could have been a total mess. It’s quite possible he’d still win the do-over. Frankly, I still think Newman is more deserving, and he might edge Hanks, but I don’t notice a whole lot of attention paid to his Donald “Sully” Sullivan these days. Johnny Depp would be in the hunt. Travolta was really good in Pulp but he’s hurt himself badly since with a raft of truly horrid movies.

Truly, Morgan Freeman is the only credible threat in this year. I think it would be very close, but it’s probably still Hanks in what remains his most recognizable role. Who do you think would beat him?

Best Actress

Jessica Lange won for Blue Sky. If you’re saying to yourself, ‘What on earth is Blue Sky?’, then congratulations! You’re just like everybody in 1994! This was one of the most obscure movies in a long time to pick up a major Oscar, and it hasn’t gained much heat since. Little-known then, not at all known now. There are often very sparse years when it comes to juicy roles for actresses, and I think Lange’s win here probably indicates that 1994 was a particular famine in this way. Lange is a fine actress, and she may well be deserving, but I have a feeling that in a re-do, she’d just be overlooked. Here’s my guess: I think that given how highly regarded Kate Winslett now is, and how critically beloved Heavenly Creatures is, Winslett might just take it for her murderous schoolgirl. I also think that Uma Thurman's Pulp role, though considered "supporting" in 1994, might warrant some consideration; certainly there have been roles with less screen time to win one of the majors. Other left-field options include Jamie Lee Curtis (whose True Lies striptease scene is far and away the most remembered part of that movie), Irène Jacob in Three Colors: Red, and Juliet Lewis in Natural Born Killers, but the first actress is probably not taken all that seriously (even though the movie utterly fails without her), the second one is probably still a bit too arthouse obscure, and the third went batshit crazy about 12 years ago. I think Winslett is my pick.

What was the Best Picture of 1994? You'd better vote, because I reckon this is going to be a three-way race.

February Movie Blogging

2011-01-31T20:57:00.000-08:00

There are seven posts on Filmchaw's front page AND NONE are by ME! This is an outrage! And in Black History Month at that! Somebody get me Martin Luther King Jr on the batphone!

Anyway, here's what I've been up to:

I'm Still Here

I was fine with this movie until I started to get bored about three quarters of the way through and googled it and found out it was a "mockumentary." Fuck is that?! So this was supposed to chronicle Joaquin Phoenix's meltdown and retirement from acting and foray into rapping. That was fine. It was compelling even. Douchey and self involved, but, hey I have eleven fifty blogs, so who am I to judge. BUT ALL MY DAMN HELL ASS BLOGS ARE REAL! Although a fiction blog has been...wait...where was I... yeah... so I thought I was watching reality, then found out I wasn't and then I was annoyed.

Buried

So in keeping up with my main man Ryan "totally NOT Canadian" Reynolds. I rented this flick. It's called Buried. The box cover is a dude in a coffin. That's the plot. Dude kidnapped and buried alive in Iraq for ransom. So here's the thing. If you're claustrophobic at all stay away. Cause really, the whole movie takes place in a box. I liked it, it was scary...there are some contrived moments that made me roll my eyes because DUDE there's already a guy buried alive, do you need extra drama here? No. But your heart will race. It ends well.

The Old Maid

Old timey movie starring Bette Davis. She plays an old maid. Well, and a whore. Her cousin dumps this dude to marry another dude, Bette Davis feels all bad for the first dude and shags him. Gets knocked up. Has to fake an illness and “move out West” to have the kid. Then she has to take in thirty war orphans to hide the kid. It’s weird. And for the record, Bette Davis’ eyes? Also weird.

Guess Who

Totally thought I was going to hate this movie. I didn’t. I’ve never seen the original though, so I get the feeling the cavalier way that Bernie Mac is irritated that Ashton Kutcher is white doesn’t quite capture the impact of the original. Bernie Mac’s wife annoyed the hell out of me though. No idea why he married her. Certainly don’t get why he’d want to renew vows to her. This may be part of my ongoing irritation with the way black women are portrayed in movies, especially comedies. Oh, um, plot? Bernie Mac’s daughter is getting married. Guy is white. Hijinx.

The Oxford Murders

DUUUDE! This movie is sooo good! Not the least of all because Owen from Torchwood is in it and I'm kinda in an obsessed with Dr. Who stuff moment in my life. Torchwood is an anagram for Doctor Who! Wait...where was I...oh yeah, so the Oxford Murders is a murder mystery (duh) but you SO WON'T figure it out! But not in an annoying way where they pick some random dude you see one time and make him the killer annoying... SO GOOD! AANNNDDD the movie convinced me that I am not bad at math. In fact, I'm a brilliant mathematician! TOO BRILLIANT for you not-as-brilliant-as-me math people to understand my brilliance. There is only one flaw in the movie, but I assume I only spotted it because I'm so brilliant.

Bride and Prejudice

Look. I absolutely loved the first two hours of this movie. Why on earth was this movie longer than two hours. I dunno. It’s a Bollywood romance. Starring Sayid from Lost! And the new lady from that Fox series starring Chance and the big black guy from Pushing Daisies. But no one watches that…so Sayid! It’s an Indian Pride and Prejudice thing with a white American named mister Darcy and an Indian girl. They are proud and prejudiced. But mostly there is singing and dancing. And brightly colored costumes! Oh, that life were a musical! I would say “my life” but I know my character would die early in the second half.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

OMG! It’s another Pride and Prejudice themed movie. I so didn’t plan that! This movie is awful. But Colin Firth… nope, not even worth it to see him fighting in a fountain with Hugh Grant. Well…um…okay, so how about you rent the movie, skip all the way to like the third to last chapter and watch him fighting in the fountain with Hugh Grant.

Cyrus

This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched.

Cry-Baby

Every now and then I find a Johnny Depp movie I've missed. This is the first time I've regretted my due diligence. Ugh. Why would he do this to us? WHHYYY??? WHYYY? Okay, it's a very old movie and maybe he was just young and starving... What's it about? He's a bad to the bone teenager in a rockband called the cry babies. He's sweet on a good girl square. Will she cross over to the wrong side of the tracks to be with him or stay on the straight and narrow with her grandmother? Yawn. It maybe is also supposed to be a spoof of Grease cause there's singing and dancing and a car race thingy.

Takers (2010)

Vomitous. I had to, unfortunately, watch the first half twice cause I had no fracking clue what was happening and then the second time through, I discovered this was intentional cause it was supposed to be a clever double reverse double triple reverse double cross. It’s idiotic is what it is. Everybody dies. Everybody is in on everything. IT’S STUPID. Ooh, but they do shoot Zoe Saldana in the face! Almost worth renting…

Easy A [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie was GENIUS! I avoided it at the video store for a long time cause it looked like just another raunchy high school movie for me to hate. But instead, it’s a raunchy high school movie to love! Very funny. Great script. Brilliantly acted! Yay! Hooray! Definite renter!

Plenty (1985)

Every now and then, I come across a movie that forces me to ask google one very important question. That question is “what the fuck was (insert title) about?” Plenty is that movie. Google didn’t know either. Meryl Streep was lovely in it though. O_o *scratches head*

Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)

Awww, this movie is like the Brady Bunch, if the Brady Bunch involved 18 children and forty-five pets and the dad from the Sound of Music. It’s cute.

Phoenix & Griffin
Total bummer terminal illness movie. I'm writing this review before the end cause, well, I'm sleepy. But so far, it's pretty standard tearjerker fare with a not awesome twist about 30 minutes in. Best lines: Griffin: What is it you always used to want? Phoenix: George Clooney Griffin: I'm being serious Phoenix: SO AM I. GEORGE CLOONEY and if you really love me, you'll get him for me.

Twelve (2010)

This movie is about rich, promiscuous Upper East side prep school kids who do drugs all the time. It’s told vignette story style and shows how their worlds collide. It wasn’t totally awful.

Saw 3D: The Final Chapter (2010)

THIS MOVIE WAS GREAT! Okay, it was probably just good, but I was expecting such sucky sucktacularness that the coherency of the story floored me! This movie actually made sense! I KNOW, right?! If I wrote those little quotes on DVD boxes the one for this would read “An ending finally worthy of the franchise’s beginning.” It’s a nice gruesome wild ride, right from the gory opening scene to the kickass finale! Yay! Saw is back just in time to not make anymore.

The Social Network [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie was brilliant! I was riveted from start to finish. Though, I did come away feeling like all the parties involved are douchey assholes. But hey, they did go to Harvard. I am not exactly surprised. That Jesse Eisenberg may have just vaulted himself up from being the poor man’s Michael Cera to being someone whose name I might remember. Justin Timberlake finally finds a role I can believe him in. Brava. Slow clap.

Machete

Okay, seriously, this movie is just pure bloody fun. Like. Really. Don’t look for a plot… though there is something about a drug kingpin lord killing his family or trying to take over the world, I dunno. The dude that plays Machete kills people. With a machete. Enough said. Oh and he has sex with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez… oh and there is lesbianism. Between Lindsay Lohan and her mother, if you’re into that sort of thing. And a guy gets crucified. So to recap: Things die and people have sex. You’re welcome.

The Hills Have Eyes [WS] [Unrated] (2006)

I was in the mood to be scared. So I rented this. I was not scared. I was annoyed. This movie is stupid. The bad guys are really disabled people. How am I supposed to be all rooting against the disabled? COME ON! Eyeroll.

Devil [Blu-ray] (2010)

I had such low expectations for this movie once I saw that it was brought to us by M. Night Shyamalan that I actually ended up enjoying this movie. It’s about five strangers trapped in an elevator when they start dying off. The superstitious guard starts to think the devil is near and is behind it. Knowing that it was M. Night Shyamalan, I expected it to turn out to be something else, something dumb like…food poisoning. But it wasn’t. It’s formulaic and if you are as avid a consumer of popular television and film, as I am, you will figure it out before the end. But at least it wasn’t a dumb bullshit ending like all his other movies except Unbreakable and the Sixth Sense.

Dinner for Schmucks (2010)

I am going to copy and paste a previous review now: This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched. Except insert the names of that guy from the office and the dude who played Cher’s stepbrother in Clueless. I really hope this isn’t the future of all comedy now. Blech.

The American [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t great. But I was interested. I kept waiting for stuff to happen though…it creeps. And then when stuff really starts to happen, it’s over. Oh, Clooney plays an assassin who tries to quit. Yeah…lemon.

Red (2010)

This is starting to become a bona fide movie genre. Old men wanting to keep playing the action heroes. This stars Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman as ex CIA guys who come out of retirement when their compatriots start getting picked off one by one. There is a ridiculous romance story tacked on. But for the most part, things get blown up and bad guys get shot. We should not be encouraging old men to run around shirtless with weapons though. Action movies are the domain of the young dammit. Get me Zac Efron’s agent on the line.

Secretariat

Red followed by Secretariat! See what I did there? This movie was FANTASTIC! Disney just knows how to make you love a movie even when you know how it ends. Yes, you will be on the edge of your seat, holding your breath until the final photo finish! Go, Secretariat, Go! Weird to see Lafayette all normified though.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole [Blu-ray] (2010)

DUDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. This movie is terrible. Awful. God awful terrible. It’s my own fault though. I rented a movie about talking samauri owls. I did that. Like, on purpose. I deserved what I got.

Mother and Child (2009)

This movie is told vignette style about women and the children they adopt or gave up for adoption or are living as an adopted child. It is designed to make sure you start crying the minute you put it in the player all the way to when you take it back to Blockbuster. Evil manipulative bastards. I need a tissue. Or a box.

Along Came Polly

It's when a movie like this arrives in my mailbox that I realize that I must truly hate myself. What else would possess me to ask someone to send me a movie starring Ben Stiller AND Jennifer Aniston? WHY? This movie looked awful, I thought it was gonna be awful and VOILA It totally delivered!

Babies

Speaking of delivering. This movie just looked cute. Then it came. The previews are longer than the movie, which follows women on four continents through the last weeks of pregnancy through the first year of their babies' lives. It totally reminded me that WYGANT TURNED ONE YESTERDAY! I was too hopped up on painkillers to remember yesterday. Bad Aunt Stephane. Anyway, the movie is basically like watching strangers' home movies. There is lots of boob action. Oh, and you will hang your head when the Chinese baby is driven home from the hospital on a moped and the African baby is biting it's way to dominance, but the San Francisco baby is bolted down in a car seat with a helmet on its head at the grocery store. Oy.

The Client

This is a super old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon that I remember wanting to see when I was a kid because the commercial shows the kid hiring a lawyer for a dollar and I thought that was so awesome. And yeah, that was pretty much the best part of this Grisham story about a boy on the run from the mob after the mob lawyer tells him the mob secrets before killing himself. It's not good.

Nowhere Boy

This movie is about teenaged John Lennon. He is living with his aunt and uncle when his uncle dies and his mother comes to the funeral. They rekindle their relationship, much to the chagrin of his aunt. They sneak around behind Aunt Mimi's back. She teaches him to play the banjo and he decides to become like Elvis and recruits all his schoolmates into his band called the Quarryman. Or something. The actor who plays John is compelling and the woman who plays Aunt Mimi, is very famous and wonderful...can't remember her name just now. She's got like three of them...she was in Four Weddings and a Funeral....damn. Anyway, the movie is good.

Jump

Brought to you by the same people responsible for Kung Fu Hustle. About 1/3 as good. But it's cute. It's basically the same as ever other movie to feature the phrase "I just want to dance." So...you know, there's a dance off and someone sprains an ankle during the final showdown.