Monday, April 7, 2014

April is the cruelest month

I've been writing monthly movie reviews for too long, I'm literally cycling through old titles now...but here we go!

Austenland

This movie is a modern day update of the Pride and Prejudice story. Homely spinster (eyeroll) Kerri Russell is all thirty and unmarried, so she spends her life savings to go to "Austenland," a live action reenactment of Jane Austen's ubiquitous love story. It's okay.

At Middleton

Um... the lady from the Bates Motel TV show and Andy Garcia are polar opposites taking their teens on a campus visit to Middleton. She drives him crazy with her interrupting and he makes her nuts with his uptightness! Stop me if you've heard this one before. Meh. It's okay.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Um... that guy from the Office and Steve Buscemi are partners in a Las Vegas magic show, but after ten years together, and a hot new magic act, Jim Carrey, breathing down their necks, they try to shake things up, but it all falls apart and James Gandolfini fires them. It's okay.

For a Good Time, Call UGH. I have this "no live action movie under 90 minutes is any good" rule. This piece of garbage is 84 minutes. It's hot garbage. Two women -- one a bootleg Bette Midler-- start a sex hotline together. Are there even still sex hotlines out there? So DUMB.

Save the Date

Hmm...I cannot remember what this movie is about...OH. Two sisters are planning the older sister's wedding. She is uptight, younger sister is flighty. Hinjinks, as they say, ensue. It was good.

The Sessions

This movie is about a handicapped man hiring a sex counselor to teach him how to have sex even though he's paralyzed from the neck down. I have no idea why I rented this, but I did...and I watched it and it was exactly what it said it would be. His confidante through the whole process is a roman catholic priest, so I didn't like that, as, well...I don't think a roman catholic priest would do such a thing.

Smashed

Um... I don't know why crack is making this big comeback in stories about middle class white people, but here we are. This movie is about a young couple who go out and get loaded every night, but when the woman half of the couple yarfs in front of her kindergarten class and has to fake being pregnant to explain away her party foul, she decides to go to AA and clean up her act. Also, she smokes crack.

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom I didn't learn much about apartheid or Nelson Mandela from this movie-- which is odd considering it's asposed to be about Nelson Mandela's long walk to freedom from *apartheid.* I was fascinated, though, by the character of Winnie Mandela. First off, she is portrayed as an aggressor, both in the courtship AND in the "struggle." Also, the make up people do not age her *at all* until the very last scene after Nelson has left her. I think we're supposed to " feel sorry for her" but I mostly felt ashamed of the men around her who couldn't support her. I don't know the real life story of how she ended up jailed for corruption and whatnot, but I'm suddenly much more interested in the "Winnie Mandela: Long Walk to Vilification" story.

Sarafina

I've seen this movie like ten times (and I saw the off broadway show when I was a kid.) I love it. Everyone should see it. I learn new things about apartheid every time I watch it. Great movie. PLUS: SINGING AND DANCING!

Total Recall

I watched the original, with the former Governor of California, a couple of years ago (oh, not with him, starring him. I have never met the former Governor, nor been alone with him, I won't be taking any more questions, this press conference is OVER.) and I fell asleep. I don't know why I rented the remake cause I also fell asleep during it. Total Recall is just a boring premise for a movie.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I think I'm officially too old for these "coming of age" movies about tortured high schoolers. Oh, no one will sit with me in the lunchroom, ehrmagosh my paper is like totally due TOMORROW, AAHH THE SATs. Eyeroll. I'm sorry, I don't care. Lawn comma get off of my.

The Kings of Summer

Eh. Three boys decide to run away from home and build a house for themselves in the woods. Then a girl comes between them and ruins everything. Chicks are the worst, amirite? Yawn.

Mud

Two boys run away from home and find a boat in a tree and then discover a convict has been hiding out in it. So, OF COURSE, they decide to help him. Double Yawn. Hmmm... all these horrible movies are about white boys. Why is that? Why are white boys always running away and why is Hollywood always writing movies about sad lonely white American boys and how hard life is for them? TUH. Lemmee go rewatch Sarafina.

About Time

This movie is about a family where the men can time travel through their own timeline. O_O Anyway, the main guy uses this power to get his wife to fall in love with him "at first sight," of course, in reality, it has taken months. O_o Then, he decides to use this power to help his poor hapless sister go back in time and not meet her abusive boyfriend, but THEN that changes the sex of his baby! His dad goes "oh, yeah, my bad, you can go back through your own timeline UNTIL you have a kid." o_O THEN his dad dies AND that same day his wife is all "I want to have another kid RIGHT NOW!" See where this is going? THEN, right before the second baby is born, he goes back to say goodbye to his dad AND his dad takes him back to play on beach as a boy -- VIOLATING ALL THE RULES THEY JUST MADE UP ON THE FLY IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'm still mad I sat through this bullshit movie. Now, you don't have to. YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

The Best Man Holiday

I think I saw the first "best man" movie a long time ago. I don't really remember it though, but the second holds up without any institutional knowledge. It was cute and I didn't want to punch things watching it, so it beats "About Time" in that respect.

We're The Millers

(._.) I really liked this movie. HOLD ON HOLD ON...I know, Jennifer Aniston as a forty-year-old stripper who has to pretend to be Jason Sudeikis' wife, so they can smuggle an RV full of pot from Mexico with their two pretend children SEEMS far-fetched -- but they make it work and it somehow turns into a sweet rom-com. I KNOW, took me by surprise too. But there it is. Go on, judge me.

Short Term 12:

This movie is about counselors at a group home for abandoned teens. It's sad and touching. I liked it.

Best Man Down

This is a movie about a wedding and the groom's best man is his drunken, fat, idiot friend from high school and he makes everyone, bride included, uncomfortable until he's found dead in the desert the next morning. Well, probably he was making them uncomfortable then too. They have to set out making arrangements for his funeral and the groom realizes he didn't really know his friend at all. *sniff sniff*

Drinking Buddies

This movie stars Jason Sudeikis' wife (I think, I don't really keep up with People Magazine) and Nick Miller from New Girl. They struggle with their attraction to each other because each is with another person. It's okay. They work in a brewery.

Adore This movie stars all the pretty Australian actresses NOT named Nicole Kidman...wait....actually, I'm not sure if the Princess Bride is Australian...anyway, she plays one here. The two women are best childhood friends and they each have one son and then whammo 18 years later, they're each boning the other's son. O_O This led to my new movie rule: If a movie stars more than one big name star, but you've never heard of it, DON'T STREAM IT on netflix.

Planet of the Apes

I have the Simpsons "Planet of the Apes" musical memorized and that episode completely ruined this movie for me. I was mostly laughing and inserting Simpsons dialogue into it. The underlying movie is ok, I guess, but watching it my way is definitely more hilarious.

Silence of the Lambs

I've been enjoying the Hannibal series so I thought I'd rewatch this movie to see if I could pick up on any spoilers. It was funny because when I saw it in high school, Silence of the Lambs was hands down THEE scariest movie I'd ever seen in my life...well, okay, maybe in a three-way tie with Gremlins and Fright Night. But upon rewatch, it's actually pretty tame. And Clarice hates wearing coats! But it's a good movie, the surprise twist ending still works even though you know it's coming.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

And the year Marches along

Get it? Marches...March? Shut up.

So weird, I thought I watched a ton of movies this month, but evidently, I just watched lots of House of Cards and Bunheads and Futuramas. Anyway, here goes. 

30 for 30: Price of Gold This is a rehashing of the Nancy Kerrigan knee capping. Nancy Kerrigan herself did not sit for an interview, but her husband (who was also her old manager... SKETCH-EEE) did. However, Tonya Harding gives extensive interviews and the movie delves into her "hard life" (waaa, her mother hit her with a hairbrush one time) and she comes off really sympathetically. However, I watched another recent documentary about the incident. NBC aired one after the Olympics and Nancy Kerrigan was interviewed and whoa, Tonya Harding comes off as a psychopath and undid all the good that this 30 for 30 did.

Blue is the Warmest Color WHOA. So much naked. So so very much naked. All the naked. My eyes. Um. Where was I? It's about a high school senior in France figuring out her sexuality through naked. It's rated NC-17, which I didn't find out till after, when I was just like, how is Netflix running pornography now? The movie is also in French, so you can't even look away like the nice Catholic prude you were raised to be. However, if much naked women is your bag. You're welcome. Don't say I never did nothing for you.

Rush This movie is about a (real life, I guess, I meant to google, but forgot) race car driver rivalry. It's great. I hate those rivalry movies where you are clearly supposed to root for one particular guy over the other (like Amadeus) this is much more balanced. And the movie made race car driving seem interesting!

The Spectacular Now Um... this movie is about high school seniors. Popular guy woos awkward comic book nerd girl after popular cheerleader dumps him. It sounds cliche, but they do it in a different enough way that it's not boring. It's not great either though. I give it two and a half Mellencamps.

Mr Nobody This movie was so long. Oh God. Why would it not end? Like, I felt there was some technology at play where they kept filming and adding on to the movie *as* I was watching it. This is three, maybe four movies, in one and that is just too much. Plus, they kick you straight in the nards at the end with the whole "none of this is real." Complete with cackling laughter.

Red 2 This movie is cute and fun. Lots of shooting and explosions and "twists" (sure, you see them coming a mile away, but you pretend you don't!) The exact right people die, *slow claps* Brava!

All is Lost O_o This is two hours of Robert Redford sailing. In the first minute, he awakes to discover his boat has taken on a lot of water, he is alone and ALL his radio equipment is destroyed by water. O_o So for two hours, he tries to survive. Oh, there is almost no speaking. Which, as I sat in my living room watching this movie alone, cursing and mocking it nonstop, struck me as hilarious. Just because you're by yourself doesn't mean you can't talk. In fact, the silence seemed so forced -- he doesn't say "crap, I forgot the bag" or "Arrrgh, damn you Neptune!" and then shakes his fist? Boo. What? Is that weird? Are you not supposed to curse Neptune aloud when you're alone on a sinking ship?

Running Scared Um. When Paul Walker died, everyone said this was his best movie ever, so I rented it. Those people are liars. Fast and Furious six was his best movie ever and I could have saved myself the month of waiting for Running Scared to become available and the three hours of bizarro chase scenes. Blargh. It was okay, I suppose. But twas no Fast and Furious six.

Machete Kills Mindless fun. Delivers on its title right away. Two machetes up! Looking forward to the next installment: Machete Kills in Space! I'm not kidding.

I've Loved You So Long Another french movie. And, a French movie I think I've seen before. It's about a former doctor who kills her son, goes to prison and then has to live with the little sister she left behind before serving her fifteen year sentence. It's good. I didn't need to see it twice. But, obviously, it wasn't memorable enough for me not to rent it again, but the synopsis is good enough to get you to rent it twice. Or something.

Enough Said I believe this was James Gandolfini's last movie. I hereby declare it his best. Also, the Seinfeld woman's best too. It's about middle aged people dating. So awkward, yet very well done.

St. Trinian's Two I love David Tennant. I will see anything if David Tennant is in it. David Tennant is in this. It's very silly, but eh, I've got nothing else going on.

Elephant It's basically a Columbine scenario movie. But shot all weirdly, from different perspectives and in a weird timeline. Eh, it's not good.

Last Days From the same guy who did Elephant. I think it's loosely based on Curt Kobain's last days. Also, not good.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Oscar Edition (mostly kind of sort of)

The Hunger Games I rewatched this movie because it's been a year since I've seen it and two years since I read the books. It holds up. It's a good movie, much better than...

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire This flick was okay, I guess. I'm not a fan of movies without endings --obviously, I know that when you're dealing with the middle of a trilogy, that's what you're going to get. Ugh, and then I 1. just found out they're splitting Mockingjay into two films AND 2. I read it in the article about Philip Seymour Hoffman's death (he plays(played?) a key figure in the Quarter Quell games.) So, who knows WHAT's going to happen now. Uh... I mean, condolences to his family. *whistles*

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug These movies are terrible. The Hobbit was terrible and I don't just mean the desperate cries for an editor that drowns out the horrific dwarf singing, the "plots" are awful, the ridiculous saves for the stupid elves or hobbits or whatever the hell always swoops in to save them are terrible. Terrible Terrible terrible. I don't know why I even watched this stupid movie, but I'm going to sum up my review with a line from the horrible film itself: I'm done with dwarves. Go away.

Inside Llewyn Davis OMG. So, you know how the "open letter" has become the favored literary device of awful internet magazine writers everywhere? Inside Llewyn Davis is so fucking depressing, it's basically an open suicide note. From the music, to the depressive lead character to the screeching supporting cast -- the worst part is that it is seductively depressing. You like Llewyn Davis AND the people who hate Llewyn Davis -- anytime the movie introduces optimistic or supportive characters you want to kick them in the nuts and make them eat their fucking cereal bowls. Uh... hypothetically. And since, as is well recorded in this blog, I fucking hate the Coen Brothers (and the rest of their family probably) trust me when I say this movie is great.

Frozen Mmmm... I read a lot of positive reviews of this movie. A LOT. AND I love what's her face, Idina Menzel, so I was very excited for this movie. It was supposed to be super girl power-y and a new model for a Disney princess yadayadayada. And the soundtrack outsold the Beyonce itunes album for weeks and weeks. Anyway, you get the picture, my expectations were sky high. My disappointment, directly proportional to that. Booo. I actually booed. There's like TWO good songs. The plot? Dumb dumb dumb. The resolution? Even dumber. Blargh. Kids will probably like it though. There are cool visual stunts with ice. It'll win the cartoon Oscar.

Dallas Buyers Club Jared Leto was amazing as a transvestite gay guy dying of AIDS. He should win the Oscar in his category. Um... this movie was good. It held my attention. The lead character -- a shady dude blindsided by an AIDS diagnosis who decides to get drugs from Mexico as an alternative to AZT and then he turns it into a business of selling them to other desperate AIDS patients. He has to stay one step ahead of the FDA and the AIDS doctors. Jennifer Garner is terrible in this -- and I usually like her. I don't think Matthew Ma...umm...mumbles...gh...n...there's a u.... anyhoo, he shouldn't win the Oscar for losing weight and being less annoying than he usually is in movies. Cause he was still plenty annoying.

Captain Phillips Can you spoiler a based on a true story movie? My apologies if you can, but I think it's important to my review. At the end, the head pirate guy is arrested and read his rights on a ship. Captain Phillips is also brought aboard the same ship and sent to sick bay where his wounds are tended to. If this were a *REAL* action movie, the pirate would have grabbed hold of a gun, killed the arresting marines, Phillips would have heard the scuffle, jumped down from the exam table, gotten a weapon and chased the pirate to the upper deck of the ship, cornered the pirate and then said something like "I'm tired of these motherfucking pirates on these motherfucking ships!" Or "Get off my boat!" And then shot him. But this was not a real action movie. It was a real...er...action movie. I liked it, but I did spend a lot of time imagining a more Hollywood version of it starring Jason Statham. I'm glad the pirate guy got a nomination, but I hated the lines that were clearly designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel sorry for the poor hard lives of the Somali people. *Eyeroll* GET OFF OF MY BOAT!

August: Osage County Listen. Meryl Streep is the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streeping. She Meryl Streeps the shit out of this movie. If she doesn't win the Meryl Streep award where she is Meryl Streeping with cancer, I will... um... be very surprised. The movie is about a bunch of dysfunctional women in a family and the poor hapless men they yell at. I didn't hate Julia Roberts as much as other people seemed to in reviews I read. But it's very hard not being Meryl Streep.

Thor: Dark World Yawn. I've about had it up to here *insert hand about neck level* with the MARVEL universe. The plot holes and contrivances in this movie are embarrassing. But that one guy is shirtless a bunch. So...you know. You'll endure.

American Hustle This movie terrible. I kind of want to lump this review with the review for

The Wolf of Wall Street Both these movies have been made over and over again with the actors and ingenues of the moment. American Hustle follows the script of the heavily costumed/wigged trope of a heist of some kind with a double reverse switch of allegiance. And Wolf of Wall street is the well worn path of the con man who believes his own con even as the straight laced cop figure is bearing down. Yawn yawn yawn. Jaysus. How are there no other stories? With other kinds of people. And how is it these same stories keep getting nominated for Oscars when movies like

Fruitvale Station ...which was the best fucking movie I've seen in a long time, gets nominated for nothing. This tells the --sorta-- story of Oscar Grant who was shot in the back by police, while handcuffed and face down on a BART platform in San Francisco. The movie does sanctify him in ways that made me roll my eyes (he hugs the body of a dying stray dog after its been hit and I added "wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy" and desperate mouth to mouth CPRing to the scene in my head and laughed) but it was such a well done, bare bones movie that told a tragic yet important story that, ugh, seriously, fuck the Oscars with razor blades for not recognizing it or Michael Jordan or the mom -- who won an Oscar for the gorram help. UGH! I hate everything.

Her Blech. This movie was dumb. It's about a guy who falls in love with his Operating System -- AND, hold the phones, HIS OPERATING SYSTEM LOVES HIM TOO! EYE Roll. I guess I won't say what happens next, but booo. Skip this stoopid stooopid movie. Go watch Fruitvale Station.

The Lone Ranger Okay, I am not cool with Johnny Depp playing a Native American character. NOT. Like I am unable to can with that casting. However, *insert hanging head and downcast eyes* I actually ended up liking this movie. I know, I suck. I kept hoping they were going to explain that the tribe found this lost little white boy and took him in and he suffered this great trauma and now he doesn't remember that he was white... I DUNNO something. But there you have it. Apparently I like redface movies. Sigh. I'm the worst.

You're Next Elana told me to see this movie after I said that "No laws for one day" movie was a terrible waste of a premise. You're next was equally bad, if not slightly worse. Um...actually, a lot worse. Because the premise was dumb too. Like I don't even get what the plan was or why it was executed in this way. Dumb. File this under empty torture pr0n.

Kick-Ass 2 This movie was okay. I don't really remember the first Kick-Ass and I couldn't find it streaming anywhere, so I don't know if the sequel hurts the first one or if it's a good continuation of the story. But as a stand a lone hero movie, this was fine.

Blue Jasmine This movie was great. It's about two sisters, both adopted and how their lives go in two completely different directions, one marries a corporate tycoon and the other marries a blue collar dude, but they both end up sharing a small San Francisco apartment after various misfortunes. The kids are miscast, I think. But I like all the other casting and I like the way the story unfolds. The end is a bit contrived, but overall, thumbs up.

Lee Daniels' The Butler Are there tons of "The Butler"s out there that Lee Daniels needed to make sure you knew this one was his? And frankly, this movie sucked pretty hard, so if I were him, I'd try to get it lost in the shuffle so I'd maybe get credit for one of the other ones, none could be worse than this tripe. (Off topic, my mom tried to feed me tripe -- the digusting dish of cow's stomach or sumshit when I was a kid and being the precocious reader that I was, I defiantly asserted: I'm not eating that tripe. LITERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY! Yep, folks, I've always been awesome.) Anyway, this movie is a pot of disgusting cow intestines. Skip it. (Though, I did like Oprah's portrayal of the alcoholic trollop wife.)

Despicable Me 2 This movie was dumb. Another unnecessary sequel. Eyeroll.

The Wolverine This movie was dumb. I don't even know why they made this movie. It's about a dying Korean man who tries to steal Wolverine's skeleton. I dunno. Dumb.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives The monster recommended this movie. A lady has sex with a fish. And that's why he's known as the monster.

The World's End This movie was FANTASTIC! I was so mad at Simon Pegg after that artarded movie Paul. SO ANGRY. Like I went on twitter and treated him like @vinnay treated that Lost guy. So, I was skeptical about The World's End, but wow *slow claps* Simon Pegg has returned to Shaun of the Dead form! Huzzah!

Insidious Chapter 2 BBoooo. Terrible sequel for a movie that actually needs a sequel. I loved the first one and was looking so forward to this, that I almost went to see it in the theater. Glad I saved THAT thirteen bucks. YARF.

The Possesion One of my twitter friends decided to live tweet this, so I watched along with her. It's a decent horror flick. It stars Denny from Grey's Anatomy (IZZIE CUT THE L-VAD wire) it features the first *Jewish* exorcism I'VE EVER SEEN. That shit is creepy! This demon laughs in the face of Jesus! MAAANNN.

Mitt If you're glad President Obama won reelection, you'll love this movie. You just drink in sad rich people tears and laugh and laugh. I kinda get the feeling Mittens is planning to run again... which... I dunno how I feel about that, but boy oh boy did he think he was winning in 2012 hahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahhaahh

Lone Survivor I don't like war movies. There's something about war as entertainment that sits uneasily with me -- though I love Gallipoli...anywoo. This movie is about a kill op that goes wrong and a whole squad of guys and the chopper sent to save them all get killed. ALL... EXCEPT ONE. One survives. A lone su...okay, you get it. Um...it's good. I wouldn't want to be shot to death going to watch it though.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014...and still no flying cars

Happy New Year to the seven people who read this blog!

I hope you all have an awesome year.

I didn't watch that many movies in December (I mean, that many for me, I definitely watched way more than a normal person). You see, I decided to revisit the Xena series which I loved in my youth. 132 episodes. 42 minutes each. And I watched every single one. Turns out, when I was younger, I had the good sense to quit television shows once they started to suck, which for Xena happened 110 episodes before the series ended. *shudder*

Anyway, let the healing begin. To wit: trying to wipe them from my memory. <---I wrote that sentence two weeks ago, but the scenes of people thawing out after being frozen for 25 years and Valkrie fire protection spells just flooded back into my head and crippled me. Hopefully, I can power through the pain today, here goes...

Blackfish This is an expose' about Seaworld's practice of capturing baby whales and training them to perform tricks for our amusment. The PETA people want all Seaworlds shut down and the whales released. As if. On the one hand, I like that we're arresting these vicious potential face eating killers and getting them out of the open water; on the other hand, I don't like that they're eating their captors with impunity. One whale has eaten like three women already! He should have BEEN turned into lamp oil.

Dreams of a Life The movie starts with the mummified corpse of a 38-year-old black woman discovered in front of her still-on television. It then goes back in time to try to discover what happened and why no one noticed she was missing for three years. Well, now that I've seen exactly how I'm going to die, I can live out the rest of my life with gusto.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance I think @luckbox was tweeting about how he'd never seen a John Wayne movie, I realized I hadn't either and then JuliusGoat told us to watch this one. I was super surprised at how diverse/progressive it was for this type of dated Western. It's about a big city lawyer who moves west and is angry that lawlessness runs amok, so he opens a law office. The criminals laugh in his face and challenge him to a duel, but then John Wayne is all "not so fast pilgrims" and goes John Wayne on their asses. It's okay. I've seen a John Wayne movie now.

30 for 30: Broke I don't know if these count as movies or TV shows, but this one is about these megastar athletes and how they lose their tens/hundreds of millions of dollars within 3-5 years of leaving their respective sports. So depressing really. They're all fucked up in the head and knees from playing professional sports, yet have nothing to show for it all.

TWA: Flight 800 Conspiracy fare about the FBI apparently covering up missiles shooting down the plane. I suppose they had a lot of supporting evidence, but never provided any motive that would explain why the FBI would do this.

Oldboy I wanted to see the original Korean movie before it got the Spike Lee treatment. OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. SIIIICCCKKKK. THE SOUTH KOREANS ARE SICCCKKKKKK. The North Koreans are right to barricade themselves behind a protective wall to shield them from this tale of revenge and imprisonment and mystery and mind control. Oh no... wait... the South Koreans might come for me now... I'm sorry, I take it back. This movie was excellent and totally not sick. Please don't make me eat my father in a stew. *runs*

Insidious Chapter 2 I really liked the first Insidious movie. It was annoying and bland for the first three quarters and then the last bit just scared the ever living shit out of me and I had to apologize to the first three quarters. Well, the sequel sucked from start to finish. It was dumb. The acting was lame, the plot twists were lamer. BOOOO. BOOOOO. For shame. They should be sent off to South Korea.

Jobs This movie about the founder of Apple was okay. But I felt like they were constantly patting themselves on the back for little inside jokes that I just didn't get because I'm not a nerd or an Apple fanboy. I think they presume a lot more insider knowledge than I have.... I can't believe that the MAC personal computers were money losers though. All my school classrooms had them.

Elysium LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOL. This movie is just two hours of getting trolled by Hollywood. Matt Damon, savior of the all the brown people. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Uh... it's about future Earth where the, I dunno, ozone layer is gone, so the rich people move to an outpost on the moon called Elysium, and leave robots behind on earth to keep law and order. Matt Damon something something and there's a shuttle and then the brown people are made citizens of Elysium and there's free healthcare for everyone. Ted Cruz gives this movie two thumbs down.

2 Guns This movie about two undercover officers who think the other is a real criminal, but then both get burned by their respective agencies and so both end up becoming criminals, isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. There are many shootouts and asplosions. I give it two Mellencamps.

Man of Steel ahahahahahahahahahhahahah Speaking of trolling.... I don't even understand how such a white/American supremacist movie gets made in this the 2013th year of our lord. Good lord. I love America as much if not more than this next guy, but this movie literally interchanges the phrases "people of Earth" and "Americans" sometimes even "Kansas." In essence, Kansas is all of earth. Sarah Palin gives this movie two thumbs up. I don't know why Hollywood has been unable to make a non laughable Superman movie since the 70s, but I think it's time they just give the fuck up.

Grizzly Man Listen ladies, and men, I suppose, if there is one takeaway from this movie, it's this: There is NO MAN WORTH GETTING EATEN BY A BEAR OVER. NONE. Okay, maybe Tom Brady -- but only if by getting eaten, you are saving him from being eaten -- but if he's being eaten already and his last words are "run," DO NOT grab a frying pan and hit the bear that's eating him. Oh, what's this movie about? A sociopath who thought he was friends with bears. And then he tells his girlfriend, hey, let's go spend the summer with my friends in Alaska and she's all "cool. Okay!" And then they get there and she's all "BEARS? YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS ARE BEARS?" And he's all "oh, don't be grumpy, ms. grumpface, come on and let me introduce you to "Growly and Teethy and Clawhands." And then they get eaten. The best part of the movie is that the director of the documentary actually interviews people who are like "dude, he thought he could hang out with bears. And then they ate him." There are stupid hippies in it too, but hopefully, they've been eaten by now.

Gerry So, here's the thing. Julius "The Monster" Goat recommended this movie to me. It's two hours of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's brother trying to get out of the desert. They are both Gerry. Or neither of them are Gerry. Or we the viewers are Gerry. I don't know. I thought Roger Ebert's review of this movie was perfect. I didn't hate it, but only a monster would suggest that another human being watch it. *whistles*

A Town Called Panic Julius Goat and his kids filmed this movie in their basement. Evidently, it was raining out, so they got their toys and a video camera and let their imaginations run wild. I hate Julius Goat so much.

Monday, December 2, 2013

And so we come to December...

I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.

Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away...so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I'M SOOOO MAD that I can't watch anything anymore, so I'm taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.

12 Years a Slave So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn't hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.

Gravity This movie was great. It's probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It's a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It's about americans in space or one woman's journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded "eh, I likes what I likes.")

Frank & The Robot This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It's about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It's cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.

New Jack City HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn't have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!

Tyler Perry's Temptation Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL'S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn't get to "remarry and have a kid with some other chick" while his "first wife" is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.

R.I.P.D. This is a cross between Men In Black and Ghost, if Men in Black and Ghost were the worst movies you ever saw. RIPD made me think Tyler Perry's Temptation wasn't so bad. Ryan Reynolds and I are broken up!

The Internship This is a cute movie about two middle aged guys, who are laid off, trying to make it in a field of youngsters at google. No really, google let them use their name and everything. I enjoyed it.

The Purge So, remember how when I saw "Edward Scissorhands" and couldn't believe it wasn't a horror movie and there were no scissorhanded rampages? WHAT A WASTE OF Tim Burton and something called Edward Scissorhands! That's how I feel about this movie which imagines a world where America suspends laws for 24 hours and you can kill and burn and maim as if your wont, without any consequences. The whole movie is just set in this one family's house. And we watch as they run and scream as ne'er do wells break through their defenses and try to pick them off. Booo. This should have been set on streets outside. Booo.

Pacific Rim We build giant robots to defeat the giant sea monsters? Cool. I'm in. Can't wait for the sequel. I imagine the monsters laid an egg and then it hatches and we have to bring back the monster fighting robots! I did not guess correctly on who would live.

The Heat I like the idea of a female buddy cop movie. I like Melissa Mccarthy and Sandra Bullock. But somehow I did not like the Heat. I dunno. It was just put together wrong. Maybe I'll like the sequel?

White House Down LISTEN. LLIISSSSTTTEEEEEENNN. Hollywood CANNOT make enough movies about the US President making a last stand to defend the White House, and by extension, America and all that America stands for! I am here for Olympus Down, White House Down, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue down, The house that the president lives in down, allluuhhhdem! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (Oh, it's about a plot to overthrow the US President and the President, with the help of a Channing Tatum, fights back. *slow claps* *single tear falls from eye*)

The Hangover: Part III You know, as bad as it was, this was still better than two. Shrugs.

Monsters University I liked this installment better than the original, which I remember not liking at all. OMIGOSH, this movie is basically "The Internship" but animated!

The Croods This movie is about cavemen trying to survive the ice age or some nonsense. It's awful. I don't even think kids will like it.

Salinger I've long hated "The Catcher in the Rye." And because of that I have refused to read anything else by Salinger (except the Banafish story, I read that). I had it in my head that Salinger was basically a "Holden" (read: over privileged, spoiled whiner) but turns out he served in the infantry on D-Day, so I retract that. Of course, he "courted" 13-year-olds (when he was 30ish) so... I've gone from annoyed to creeped out. Win?

What Maisie Knew Sad film about an eight-year-old girl with a rock star mom who is always on tour and an older man father who isn't really interested in parenting. She gets shuttled between them during the divorce and then abandoned by both after the court gives the dad custody. Sadface. But it has a happy ending. Sorta.

Only God Forgives OH MY GAWD. So, you know how I've seen every Ryan Gosling flick on netflix? I was SO excited when I saw there was a new one. O_O DDUUUDDEEE. This movie is soo bad. First of all, I think it's set in Bangkok but everyone just speaks English with an accent. WUUTTT? Then, not only is Ryan Gosling NEVER shirtless, he also runs a fight club ring. SO he's always fighting, BUT IN A SUIT. THIS MOVIE IS JUST TROLLING US AT THIS POINT. *fights air*

The Loneliest Planet If there was a theme to this month's reviews, it's "recommendations" -- Jordan recommended Pacific Rim, @mediaobsessed recommended Salinger AND THEN THERE'S JULIUS GOAT. *glares* Grr. He recommended this movie about a couple hiking through somewhere. It's like 40 minutes of them la la la hiking, kinda making fun of their tour guide, two minutes of them getting held up at gunpoint and then forty minutes of them sulking around because the woman is mad the man pushed her in front of the gunman. (But like only for a second, he totally stepped in front of her after that second. It was like a moment of "no, TAKE HER" and she holds it against him. Sheesh. CHICKS, AMIRITE? But then the movie just ends. Horrible. BOOOO!!!

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days This movie was also recommended by Julius Goat. It's sooooo soooo soooo shocking and horrifying, but you don't even know what's happening for the first half hour. I'm not sure if it'll ruin it to tell you what it's about, so I won't because I think it's good and everyone should see it. BUT ZOMG. ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. LIKE ALL OF THEM! TRIGGERS EVERYWHERE!

Holy Motors So, this is where Julius Goat became "JULIUS THE MONSTER." Ask me what this movie is about. Go on. ASK. I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA!! THERE'S A FREAKING TEN MINUTE ACCORDION SOLO BREAK IN THE MIDDLE THOUGH!!! MONSTER!! HE'S A MONSTER!! In fact, I think he's making these movies in his basement JUST TO TROLL ME!!! HIM AND HIS @ASTINTO ALTER EGO. Cause there is NO WAY these are two different men! NO WAY!!

Frances Ha More like Frances "Meh." It's about a twenty-something who is still childishly living her dreams while her friends grow up around her and get married and new jobs and she just sorta dances through life. Literally. I dunno, I guess I should relate to her, but she's just such a dunderhead with logorrhea, I couldn't believe she didn't trip on her own feet, hit her head on the sidewalk and bleed to death internally. Of course, she gets it together in the end. Sorta. Meh.

Dogtooth JULIUS THE MONSTER STRIKES AGAIN! Actually, I liked this movie, but like "4 months", the horror of the movie sneaks up on you as the movie builds. Suddenly there's a sinkful of blood and a body in the trunk and you are wondering just exactly how we got here. Uh. Lemme slap a trigger warning on this one too.

Upstream Color Okay, so BOTH @astinto AND the Monster recommended this abstract abomination of a film. THAT'S HOW I KNOW THEY ARE THE SAME!! This movie is about a flower worm pig virus and running through the streets, hiding in bathtubs and falling over balcony railings. There is NO WAY two different people could have liked this... this.... what could AT BEST *LOOSELY* be described as a movie. GRRRR. WHAT THE HELL *WAS* THAT!

In Bruges I know you're asking yourself, but Dawn, Julius the MONSTER is a monster, why did you see so many of the movies he recommended? Well, I'm glad you asked. See, it started with him recommending THIS movie. NOW, *THIS* movie was FANTASTIC! Like, it was funny and touching, but there was a thriller aspect to it and it told a story with interesting characters and it had a start and a middle and an end. You laugh, you cry, you get sucked into pig movies with talking limousines! *throws fish*

The Vicious Kind Um... no idea what this movie is about. Hold on, lemmee go google. OH. BAH. GAH. *spits* this movie was horrendous. It's about a guy picking his brother and his brother's girlfriend up from college to drop them off at the dad's house. UGh. awful. Just awful. The brother sleeps with the brother's girlfriend. The end.

The English Teacher This movie had the potential to be good. It stars a teacher who tries to help a struggling former student by paying to mount a production of his play. Then it turns into a weird sex thing. Meh.

October Baby So, funny story, I saw a trailer for "August Rush" about a kid put up for adoption who finds his parents later...whatever, this was years ago, anyway, I'm scrolling through netflix and I see this movie and I think oh, that's the movie about the put up for adoption kid, so I click it. Well, October baby *IS* about a put up for adoption kid, BUT it's a movie funded by some Christian ministry in Tennesee, so it's about a FAILED ABORTION BABY put up for adoption! And it turns out, she *REMEMBERS* it! And she goes searching for her mom who tried to abort her. AND SHE FINDS HER! I'm giggling as I type this because the acting and dialogue is *precisely* what you're picturing as the product of a christian ministry. Jasmine Guy and the blond Dukes of Hazzard guy are in this for some reason. It's unintentionally HILARIOUS. Don't see it though.

The Lifeguard Why do all of Veronica Mars' movies suck? This flick about a 30 year old who goes back home because she's so sad about a tiger dying in an apartment that she needs to rape the 16-yr-old stoner kid down the street is dreadful. Basically, annoying selfish woman does annoyingly selfish shit. Film at 11. Yawn.

Open Water HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! THIS MOVIE SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME!! (And yes, I realize, low hanging fruit.) IT'S GREAT. Like Gravity, but in the ocean space. SEE IT!!

Arbitrage Dumb Richard Gere movie. Man goes drunk driving with mistress, crashes, kills her, calls up the only black person he knows to help him flee the scene. Sigh. I wish I was exaggerating. Turns out he's also a business crook.

Empire State Dumb movie with The Rock about dumb kids who try to pull off a heist and end up ticking off the mob. It's supposedly "based on a true story." Yawn.

Regarding Henry Dumb Harrison Ford movie where he is a crack lawyer but then gets shot in the head and realizes there is more to life than winning trials! Double Yawn.

The General's Daughter Dumb John Travolta movie where he is a military investigator trying to figure out who raped and murdered the general's daughter. Sample dialogue "She may have been murdered that night, general, but YOU KILLED HER YEARS AGO!" Eye. Roll.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Moviember

Ugh. Not to be confused with that Movember thing where savages walk around with hairy faces like cave people. Gross. You get running water, electricity and flat screen TVs, in exchange you shave your face. THAT IS CIVILIZATION, PEOPLE!!!

Okay, rant over, movie time!

It’s the holidays and stuff, so I planned to focus on a central theme like horror movies for Halloween or family movies for Thanksgiving. But, like always, I then remembered I’m terrible at plans and/or follow through, so we just watched a bunch of random films. Oh, I did manage to see a Jason Statham movie every Friday. Cause Friday is my shooty movies day because… brain something something. (Sorry, writing these on Friday and words are hard. Not a good day to start NanoMoSomething, but start it I will anyway! Crap. Where was I?) Hmm… can I review the Jason Statham movie I just finished because technically, it was a November movie? Eh, if you don’t tell, I won’t ask. That’s not how that goes. Sigh.

Hashtag Friday Brain.

Redemption Jason Statham! Friday. You know what? There wasn’t that much shooting in this one. He plays a rogue British special ops guy who was ambushed in Afghanistan and killed a bunch of civilians in retaliation. Now he’s on the run from MI5 or 6 or Interpol or whatever. He’s hiding as a bum and befriends a runaway girl. But the girl gets taken in by pimps, so then he breaks into an apartment and steals that guys identity and then he becomes a hitman… um, and he makes out with a nun from the homeless shelter. Okay, okay I’m not explaining this right. Jason Statham. There are scenes where he’s shirtless. Moving on.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds I liked this movie. I confess I accidentally clicked on it before I saw the Tyler Perry brand and didn’t turn it off when I saw his stupid face cause I figured I hadn’t shat all over a Tyler Perry movie in a while. But hey, it turns out he’s not always a repulsive sexist buffoon. Though, there were sexist buffoonish elements to this movie about a rich man who falls in love with the single mom janitor and quits his job to move to Africa with her. (Seriously, “Africa.” The camera pans on the boarding passes he gives her and it says “Africa 2:00 PM” I laughed.)

Take This Waltz Okay, this is one of those movies that I can’t in good conscience tell anyone to watch cause, it IS weird… but it’s interesting. At first brush, this movie starring Michelle Williams seems like your typical annoying flighty girl meets boy movie. (“I’m afraid of being afraid” is sample dialogue from the first twenty minutes, during which she pretends to be wheelchair bound AND a tour guide.) And after you watch it, you will want to hunt down @astinto and lock him away in a dark, damp place with fire breathing bees coated in peanut oil as his only company. But, then you suddenly realize the whole movie basically tracks this chick on a love bender and you decide that’s kind of funny. Plus, bonus points for creative use of “video killed the radio star” outside of a trivia context.

Girl in Progress This is another movie that I turned against a quarter of the way through, but won me over in the end. Again, I can’t tell anyone to see it, cause, it is your typical coming of age story about a teen who decides her single mom is the worst and she wants to run away fare, but the actors are cute and I didn’t want to stab anything by the end. It stars the poor man’s Rosario Dawson.

Mama I don’t read reviews or synopses before I see movies. This is probably why I see so many bad flicks, but I honestly like to be surprised/unbiased when I see things, so I go in blind. However, sometimes a movie is so bizarre, that I have to google reviews afterwards. And for mama, I found this one.

I laughed so hard reading this review, I completely forgot what I had originally found so confusing. These questions are such a brilliant takedown of Mama, that I kinda recommend you see it, so you can read this review and appreciate their genius. But only kinda. Mama is dumb.

The Other Woman I usually hate adultery movies. They offend me to my puritanical core and it blocks out my ability to see anything other than cheating garbage piles of humanity. However, this story about wife number two and how she step parents and deals with the ex wife and her own parents, was interesting enough to break through that. So, that says something.

Hyde on Hudson Ugh. I do not like when movies make me dislike figures that I previously liked. This is an adultery movie about FDR. See above. Barf.

Following This movie is only like 70 minutes long, but it’s brilliant. It’s done by the Batman movies guy. It’s about a loser who decides to randomly follow people and one day, he ends up following THEEEE WRONG DUDE. Scary. Sad. But mostly scary and I’m never making eye contact with anyone ever again.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia This movie is fantastic! It’s a documentary about “hillbillies.” They are lawless white people who live on the dole. And I probably shouldn’t have just written that because I’m now afraid they might kill me.

House at the End of the Street This movie had a twist that I didn’t see coming. It’s about Katniss Everdeen and her single mom moving into a house in a fancy town because they got a deal on it due to the murder house being across the street. Katniss is drawn to the broody young man living there – the only surviving member of his family after his sister double murdered his parents. The last twenty minutes are scary and engaging, but not enough to make up for the first banal hour and a half.

First Position Great documentary about young dancers from all over the world trying to win scholarships and jobs in the elite ballet schools/troupes. Did you know I danced ballet for 10 years because my mother has long dreamed of having a daughter very different from the one she actually has? It’s true. There are adorable pictures.

Away From Her Okay, I believe I have now officially seen every Sarah Polley movie in existence? Um… I didn’t like this one at all. It’s about a man putting his demented wife in a home, but she hangs on to lucidity just long enough to give him permission to leave her and then when he’s cheating on her, it’s only to get her boyfriend back in the home with her. Eyeroll. Super flimsy and cliché. Boo.

Young Adult I LOVED THIS MOVIE. It seems a wonder that it didn’t star Katherine Heigl though. It was totally her wheelhouse. But Academy Award winner Charlize Theron shines as a young adult novelist (see what they did there?) who goes back to her hometown after getting an e-mail that her high school boyfriend and his wife have just had a baby. The whole cast is brilliant and the movie is great. Nine hundred thumbs up. (I think only 450 people saw this movie. Sadface.)

Much Ado About Nothing This movie was well done. It’s in black and white and it’s Shakespeare, so definitely don’t watch it on a Friday. Also, I thought the SHIELD Agent Coulson guy was woefully miscast. But seeing Fred and Wesley together again, was totes worth it! Bravo. So good.

World War Z I didn’t hate this movie. Though I haven’t read the book(s) and heard that those make the movie look like puke. Basically, an infection has spread, turning large swaths of the earth’s population into zombies and Brad Pitt has to figure out how to stop it in time to save his family…um… and the little Mexican boy they find in Newark! (That was my favorite part, the Newark scene. I’m like “end of the world Newark looks EXACTLY like the 2010 shithole Newark I had to work in for a month. Newark. *shudder*)

This is the End HAHHAHAHA speaking of the end of the world… this movie was great, despite large doses of James Franco. Basically, the rapture has come and the movie follows six A-B list Hollywood actors who are trapped together in James Franco’s mansion after a party. Great deaths of some of the most annoying celebrities AND a hilarious Emma Watson cameo. I laughed a lot.

The Bling Ring AHAHAHAHAHAHh Hermione Granger is on a roll. Here she plays one of a band of teenagers who break into celebrity homes and steal. She is very good. Oh, this movie is awful though.

The Whistleblower This was not a Friday movie. This was a serious Tueday movie. Tuesday is the day we tackle serious topics like sex trafficking and corruption of the UN Peacekeeping force in Bosnia. So…yeah. Tuesday! The movie is kinda meh. But justice and… truth…yeah…meh.

Resident Evil WHY HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT RESIDENT EVIL??? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!! Duuuddeeeeee. I think I kinda love movies where the AI goes rogue and starts slicing people up with lasers! (The zombie component made little to no sense, but the LASERS and the gassing and the train and the running. Yep, I’m here for all of that.)

Fire With Fire This movie literally has half a star on Netflix. I saw that it had half a star on Netflix. I clicked it anyway. I deserved every minute of this drivel about a man in witness protection who decides he’s got to take the law into his own hands! Ugh. UGH. SOOO fucking bad. Do you see the title? HE’S A FIREMAN! Do you know how he kills the bad guy in the end? WITH FIRE! *throws all the throwable things* It stars the rich man’s Eva Mendes.

After Earth Speaking of awful movies. Why does America keep trying to make Jaden Smith happen? This movie is about Earth After… um… I think it was an invasion or something. And Will Smith is the big commander and Jaden is his son who wants to follow in his footsteps to fight the wooly mammoth thingies. Booorrriiiinnngggg.

The Space Between This was another Tuesday movie. It’s about a little boy whose taxi driver dad drops him off at the airport to go to boarding school in California before going to his second job at Windows on the World on a Tuesday morning in 2001. Waaaaaaa. The kid is assigned a surly flight attendant because he is an unaccompanied minor. She then rents a car to drive him back to New York after the terror attacks and we find out her husband worked at a federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995. Waaa *Cries all the tears*

The Intouchables This movie about a paraplegic --- um…quadriplegic maybe (he can talk and movie his head, but nothing else) rich old man who decides to hire the brash, teenage black guy who only showed up to the job interview to be able to get unemployment benefits is interesting. It wasn’t magical negro offensive. I liked the dynamic between the characters, though, naturally, there was stereotypical black guy steals expensive thing from man stuff, but I still liked it. What was weird, is that at the end, they say the movie is based on a true story and they show a picture of the wheelchaired man and his aide… but the aide wasn’t black at all! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that kind of race changing in a “based on a true story” movie before.

Edison Force Holy Shit. I’ve been writing for hours. How many damn movies did I see this month?! This flick about a corrupt elite special force is garbage. Don’t see it. Don’t talk to anyone who has seen it.

Safe Jason Statham Friday, ya’ll! He is on the run from the mob after he was supposed to throw a fight but didn’t. He finds a young Chinese girl who is also on the run and decides to help her. There is much shooting and shirtless Jason Stathamness.

I don’t know how she does it O_O. <- My sternly serious face. Everyone involved in this movie, from the actors to the writers to the directors should forever be banned from making movies EVER AGAIN. This movie was offensive in every sense of the word. EVERY. SINGLE. SENSE. It was also wretched. To say I hated this movie doesn’t even come close to capturing the anger and disgust whirling around my head after I finished it.

Intolerable Cruelty You know what’s worse than accidentally watching a Coen Brothers movie after you’ve sworn to never again watch a Coen Brothers movie? Realizing an hour and a half into it THAT YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS GODAWFUL movie about a divorce lawyer who marries a gold digging woman. DUDE. THE FUCK ??? ARRGGHHH

End of Watch This movie is about beat cops. One white, one latino. They patrol the streets of East LA. Three guesses which one is shot to death trying to save the other one. Eyeroll. Skip. SKIP. SKIP.

The Kid With a Bike Aww, this is a movie about a kid abandoned by his father who then sells his bike. A hairdresser buys it back for him. He asks her if she will be his new mom. Then he joins a gang. It might be in French. I don’t fully remember.

Beyond The Sea Kevin Spacey plays Bobby Darin. I didn’t know anything about Bobby Darin. There were dazzling musical numbers. It was fine.

The Double This movie is bad. Oh my god why did Eric Foreman ever leave that seventies show to do movies? He is awful at it. And this movie about a Russian double agent who is activated to find another Russian double agent is no exception to the suck. Russian double agents? Jaysus. What year is it? 2011?

Another Happy Day This movie is also bad. It’s one of those Holden Caulfield “I’m a spoiled rich boy who is the only one in the world ‘keepin’ it real and god my mom is SUCH A BITCH” movies. There are voiceovers and a wedding on the private estate of some one or another and there’s not a person of color to be found for miles and miles.

Arthur Newman Blargh. Another wretched pick by me. This one is about a man who fakes his death to leave his girlfriend and son and that bitch of an ex wife. He then, OF COURSE, takes up with the runaway twenty nothing girl who is steals his wallet. Eyeroll.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

OctoberFilmFest


Not a fancy schmancy one in Toronto... just a regular one in my living room. I'm not bitter at all, AT AHSTINTOE!

Dr. Strangelove: Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb I remember seeing this movie in high school and loving it. As I started to rewatch it, I thought it wasn’t going to hold up, but then it totally did, and was still very funny. Mineshaft gap. HA! Oh, it’s about a crazy general who tries to give America a head start in the nuclear war by basically sneak attacking Russia first. Then hijinxs ensue. And we discover no fighting is allowed in the war room. LOL.

Behind the Candelabra This is a movie on HBO. It was apparently rejected by movie theaters because it was too gay. I loved Liberace as a kid; I have owned many a pair of Liberace sneakers as an adult. I didn’t particularly care for this movie because it didn’t show very much of the stuff you love Liberace for – there are one or two scenes of him playing the piano and the showy stuff, but mostly it’s about him preying on young men for sex --- which is less flattering. Douglas was great though. Matt Damon passable. It’s okay --- but I don’t think Liberace fans will like it. I wish they’d do a Liberace, Liberace movie!

Clear History This was also an HBO movie. It’s about the Curb Your Enthusiasm guy getting kicked out of a car company by the Mad Men guy right before the company takes off. I thought it was awful. But to be fair, I hate Larry David. Like violently. I think he’s a disgusting unfunny hateful petty little man. But the posters do a good job of disguising him, so I didn’t realize it was Larry David until about twenty minutes in -- around about when he was implying to a woman of color that because her hairdo doesn’t require daily shampooing, her hair must stink. See? Unfunny and disgusting. But you know, if you like him, this movie is for you. #Shade

Epic This movie stars Beyonce and she gets ganked in the first twenty minutes. I don’t know why they don’t put that right there on the poster! It’s an animated feature, so I don’t think that’s particularly spoily. I mean, you do know someone gets ganked in the first twenty minutes of all animated features, right? It’s an okay movie about the fight of good and evil.

The Big Wedding Yarf. This movie is about a young couple getting married even though all their parents' and siblings' marriages are all dysfunctional. Robin Williams plays the priest. Blech. It’s an all star cast in a low caliber script. I’m guessing the screenwriter must be someone’s cousin or something.

The Great Gatsby Baz Luhrmann’s movies are pretty. They’re colorful and bright and interestingly staged. However, the syntax in his movies is always stilted. The Great Gatsby more so than the others. I think I would have preferred watching this movie on mute.

Star Trek: Into Darkness A sequel to the first Star Trek movie where Kirk gets the helm of the ship and is saddled with a merry band of misfits. Here, he breaks all the rules, is demoted and has to earn it all back! And then he pays the ultimate price! It was exciting. I liked Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oblivion This movie is terrible. Terribly terrible. It’s about Tom Cruise clones. Nobody needs more than one Tom Cruise. Awful.

Now You see Me I enjoy magic. And capers. So, this movie wasn’t the worst. I figured out the twist right away, but the movie wasn’t ruined. IT is unbelievably fantastic though.

Uncle Buck Why. Who. WHAT. WHERE. I… poor John Candy that this piece of junk was his last movie. But HEY it introduced the world to McCauley Culkin!

Stories We Tell Awww. I don’t know how I feel about this movie exactly. But I feel sorry for somebody, but I’m not quite sure who… I don’t want to lay out the options either, because the movie is worth a watch and all the entanglements partly drive the movie. It’s an indie film about a family. In Canada. Go watch it.

Parker Remember when J-Lo used to make movies? She’s back. And actually, this movie is good. It’s an action revenge thingamabob. The bad guys leave Jason Statham for dead, BUT THEY’RE WRONG! Dun dun dun. J lo isn’t annoying and I think Patti Lupone is also in this. It was good. Very shooty. If you like shooty. Uh... it's still shooty even if you don't like shooty.

The Way This movie was so sad. It’s about a dad who goes to Spain to collect his only child's body after the son is killed on the first day of his pilgrimage. The dad then decides to complete his son’s journey. He meets people along the way. It’s sad. I totally want to do the journey now. But I don’t like walking or flying or Europe…so… *whistles*.

Erased There’s a crazy lady at my job who told me Alexander Skarsgard was in this movie. She is a damn hell ass liar. It’s about Ex-CIA agent who works for a bank and then his teenage daughter comes to live with him after her mom dies. But THE BANK IS FAKE! THEY LIED TO HIM and now he's targeted for assassination! And you are rooting for the assassins the whole way.

The Rum Diary Barf. I can’t remember if I broke up with Johnny Depp after that horrendous Rango movie, but we are definitely done after this vomitously unforgettable bomb.

In the Land of Blood and Honey Oh my gosh. This movie was FANTASTIC. Fucking Angelina Jolie. CAN’T SHE FAIL AT ANYTHING?!?!?!? *throws all the shoes* It’s about the relationship between a Bosnian Serb soldier and a Bosnian Muslim woman through the war. Ugh. So gut wrenching. Humans are awful um… humans. So sad. Beautifully well done movie.

The Avengers I watched this movie again in anticipation of the TV show SHIELD. It wasn’t as good the second time around. I still like Robert Downey Jr though… and the Hulk and Loki… okay, it was still pretty good.

Don’t Stop Believin’: Everyman’s Journey This movie is a good theoretical story. The band Journey loses its front man and starts trolling youtube where they discover an unknown Filipino man. They fly him in, he’s amazing and they hire him. Racists complain, Filipinos flock to the band in record numbers, the singer’s life becomes a Cinderella story. But all that happens in the first 26 minutes, yet the movie is 100 minutes… after a while, it’s like “I get it. I feel good, applause applause… can we wrap this up now?” I did go buy a Journey CD after.

Into the Abyss is a documentary film written and directed by Werner Herzog about the death penalty. He definitely believes the death penalty is wrong, but the movie interviews people on all sides of the issue – the daughter of the victim who goes to the execution, the dude executed, the dude who was with the dude who was executed but only got life, the chick who marries the dude who got life after *reading* about his story. O_o It’s a look at a death penalty case where all the perpetrators are white men; there is no question about guilt or mental fitness. It’s interesting to see what your views on the death penalty are when divorced from “mitigating factors.” (Except poverty. Still a lot of the poverty.)